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The Lord, Sir ‘N’ Hers Apprentice

Submitted by on May 5, 2011 – 9:51 pmNo Comment



He’s used to grooming young apprentices in the tough Clyde shipyards and the merciless boot rooms of Aberdeen and Old Trafford but it looks like Sir Alex Ferguson has buried the hatchet with the BBC to join Lord Sugar (formerly known as Sir Alan) in literally putting the boot in on aspiring Amstrad apprentices in the BAFTA winning reality show The Apprentice, which is back on our screens next week.

Manchester United boss Fergie (Sir Alex Ferguson), will join the former Spurs (Tottenham Hotspur Football Club) chief and his co-star former Birmingham City, now Hammers (West Ham United Football Club) leading lady Karren Brady in an amazing football-business boardroom combo, according to a BBC source.

“The Scottish Knight’s temper tantrums and a tongue that often resembles a machete is sure to turn the boardroom heat up, render the air conditioning useless and above all, boost Auntie’s (the BBC’s) ratings,” said the Beeb (BBC) insider.

Sir Ferguson is no stranger to the way business works, being a successful racehorse company owner but he has experienced both sides of the human resources fence, having once been a militant shop steward in the tough Clydeside shipyards, where he led fellow toolmakers to strike action. Indeed, his union activity earned him the nicknames Alex “light-the-brazier” Ferguson, “Red Al”, “Citizen Ferg”, “Alexander Trotskyson” and “Hit-the-gates Fergo”.

Former barrow boy Lord Sugar and Brady, a former apprentice herself to porno (short for pornography) king David Sullivan, along with trusty aide Nick Hewer brought the curtain down on the sixth series of the hit reality competition last December as Lord Sugar said “you’re hired” to a blonde haired girl from an underprivileged background. However it seems the silver-haired, silver-tongued aristocrat has now said “you’re fired” to his long time pal and popular PR (public relations) pundit Hewer in favour of Sir Ferguson.


“It is tight on Nick that his Lordship has given him the hard word” a BBC insider told us, “but they both know business inside out and business is business, and in the harsh reality of the business world, tightness, backstabbing and kicks in the teeth are all literally part and parcel of everyday big business. Like the song goes – there’s no business like dough business.”

Sir Fergie is said to be receiving a massive £1M per episode after a deal was struck with Sugar and BBC director general Mark Thompson, during peace talks to resolve an ongoing dispute which followed the Panorama documentary Fergie and Son. The programme made out the communist United boss’s football agent son Jason to be a right shady twat and a greedy cunt. Ferguson insists the programme was bollocks and felt that it was implying that he had brought up a dishonest cunt rendering the Red Knight himself a cunt. Indeed in the Fergusons’ Govan homeland calling one member of the family a cunt is equivalent to branding the whole family a bunch of cunts.

That all appears to be water under the bridge now whilst Hewer seems to have been made the sacrificial lamb in Thompson’s olive branch pact with Knight Bachelor Fergsy.

Filming for the new series, in which 16 hopefuls will compete for the chance to work for and bum Lord Alan Sugar, has already started at the BBC’s new MediaCityUk development at Salford Quays and Sir Alex looks set to make his mark in a new feature called “the salon” – a room adjacent to Lord Sugar’s boardroom where the outgoing failures will receive a dressing down via the infamous Fergie hairdryer treatment which is known to have made grown men literally shit actual bricks.

Meanwhile broken-hearted Hewer has deleted Sugar, Brady and Ferguson from his Facebook friends and has updated his status by calling them a bunch of shithouses.


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