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Roo’s Stow-a-Wag Plot Rumbled!

Submitted by on June 3, 2010 – 9:02 pm2 Comments

Wags in Baden-Baden

Although England coach Fabio Capello looks to have successfully disbanded the WAG circus by imposing strict regulations on his 23-man squad which has led to the likes of Stevie Gerrard ordering the missus to stay at home, A Fine Lung has uncovered an amazing plot, thought to have been hatched by Coleen Rooney, to secretly hide in super striker hubby Wayne’s hotel room throughout the tournament.

Although some of the WAGs have booked themselves in at the 6-star Palace Hotel in Cape Town to be close to their boys, many have opted to stay at home because Italian Stallion Capello, who described the WAGs as “a virus”, has slapped a ban on his rampant lions in a bid to prevent a repeat of the drunken shopping capers in Baden-Baden at the last World Cup in 2006.

However Coleen is said to have been working on a plan to have a special hideaway bed made and sneaked into Wazza’s sleeping quarters at the Royal Bafokeng Sports Campus where the England squad will be based. The scheme was revealed by Coleen’s distant cousin Ken Wagstaff who gave her advice about secret compartments in beds but fell out with her after a drunken row over tickets for Manchester United’s visit to Wayne’s former club Everton.  “I bumped into our Col outside Cricket boutique in Liverpool”  said Ken. “She pretended she didn’t know me at first, but after a bit of cheeky pestering she agreed to sort me out a couple of briefs (slang for tickets) for the game at Goodison in return for my joinery advice.” However 41 year-old out-of-work carpenter Ken never received the tickets and is furious that he had to watch the game on TV. “After all the advice I gave her about hiding in beds and the carpentry involved in secret bed compartments, I feel I’ve been used and brushed to one side”, snarled the furious chippy (slang for carpenter).

One of Ken's plans

Ken reckons that after tricking him into drawing up the blueprint for the special bed, the Rooneys have stole his plans and passed them on to a Cape Town joiner to build the dishonest divan. “They’ll be having it built on the friggin cheap – cheap foreign labour using Great British brainpower” stormed the Aigburth father of seven.

Although many of the WAGs are said to be annoyed at the revelations and see it as a bold attempt by Coleen to overtake Victoria Beckham as Queen WAG, one who we spoke to who wished to remain nameless backed Coleen’s audacious plot. Adorned with designer labels, large sunglasses, French-manicured nails, skin the colour of a space hopper and daffodil yellow hair the Wag told us “I don’t blame her one bit, Capello thinks us WAGs are supposed to stay at home while our Hubbies go enjoying themselves playing football and clubbing and cavorting with the local slappers? Just because Italian women are tied, bound and gagged to the kitchen, it doesn’t mean we English girls should follow suit. He should get used to the English way of life. When in Rome et cetera…”

Back in Liverpool the man that claims to be thought of as one of Coleen’s closest relatives, who has now turned to the bottle following the dispute, has only words of malice for the Rooneys. “I hope their plan now fails, the rotten pair of b*stards” said the livid, unemployed former cabinet maker Wagstaff who once served a prison sentence for arson. “They robbed the idea off that poor Shannon Matthews girl, and just like in that case I hope their plan fails and Rooney gets sent home and the Argies go on to win the World Cup. I’ve e-mailed Capello and grassed them.”

computer image shows bed could house both Coleen and Theo Walcott


  • Fraudulent says:

    All this Stereophonics talk on here has led Cable to do himself in. Rooney will be crushed now and it will inevitably affect his game, I hope you lot are proud of yourselves.

    • Twomowers says:

      I wonder if when the undertaker gets home from work on the day of the funeral he’ll say to the missus “hey love, I laid a Cable at work today”.

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