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Submitted by on December 31, 2019 – 8:26 pm2 Comments


A new survey has revealed shocking evidence that could put an end to the world’s biggest party and make millions of revellers look completely stupid.

Professor Ken Shellac of Manchester University has finally published the results of his 12-year study into New Year’s Eve celebrations and found damning proof that the popular end of year celebrations are absolute shite.

“New Year’s Eve is a complete pile of shite,” the academic research fellow told AFL. “I’ve been out every year to various parties since I was 16, the last 15 of which I studied by way of controlled field experiments using typical statistical samples and independent random variables, identically distributed in compliance with the central limit theorem (CLT) thus promoting strong convergence measures, providing precise factual data that New Year’s Eve and the celebrations associated with it are absolute fucking shite.”

However a spokesperson for Underbelly who manage ‘Edinburgh’s Hogmanay’, hailed as the greatest New Year’s celebration in the world, has strongly dismissed the Prof’s research. Nigella Tebbit, shapely daughter of Lord Tebbit said “the study is complete nonsense, thousands of people enjoy bringing in the New Year with a bang, and it’s been a fantastic tradition for centuries. Yes there might be a lot of superstition involved but it all stems from the belief that we should end the old year with respect and start the new one in the way we would like it to begin – with fun, laughter, happiness and above all love. Shellac’s study is complete balderdash.”

But Shellac hit back. “She would say that wouldn’t she? the fucking fat cunt. Talk about protecting your own interests or what? As usual she’s talking out of her fucking fat arse. She’s frightened of having to make a paradigm shift or maybe my research is way above her level of intellectual comprehension. If so I’ll put it in layman’s terms and that is – that New Years Eve is all about pissed up cunts who hardly ever go out all year round then coming the big ‘party boy’ on the last night out of the year. On top of that you get those dicks that let off fireworks and walk around in kilts with pieces of coal in their hand. Night clubs take the piss, pubs start issuing entry tickets for fuck’s sake, bus drivers fuck off home early and those cunting taxi drivers nail your fucking hat on. Face it it’s shite.




New Years Parties. Don’t get me wrong I like to socialise with a beer and decent company but you tell me one house party where it hasn’t kicked off at New Year. If you’re having one at your home prepare to be cleaning up puke from your carpets, piss from your duvets and human excrement from your shower cubicle. Your partner might help you do this if they haven’t fucked off home with one of your guests.

First footing. What a crock of shite. A bloke with a piece of coal and a glass of whisky is supposed to be first through your front door on New Years Day to bring good luck. This bloke is supposed to be tall and dark and male – so women, midgets and gingers are fucked right off out of the equation proving that New Years Eve-ers are fascist twats.

Taxi Drivers. No mate cunts who weren’t going out anyway treble their prices and take bladdered punters the long way round. They literally take us for a ride and we accept it. No wonder we always end up getting a lift from a perverted bogus driver, risky but better than lining licensed fat-arses’ pockets.

Bus Companies. Twats literally tear up the timetables and throw them out of the window – and we fucking well let ‘em.

Train Firms. Cunts all year round but extra useless cunts on New Years Eve.

Street Celebrations. Thousands of mugs pile into city centres for what? Its just another day you cunts. Today is Tuesday and tomorrow is Wednesday. Some places even make you buy tickets to walk down your own fucking streets! From my experience its full off pissheads and pervs trying to get a free snog and feel off someone else’s missus.

Auld Lang Syne. Speaks for itself does that stupid made up language piss and wind nonsense. Auld Looda Shyte more like.

New Year’s Resolutions. These are for fat people, pissheads, smokers and insecure twats. My New Year’s resolution is to punch people that tell me their New Years resolution. Wankers.

A spokesman for Manchester University told AFL that Professor Shellac was unknown to them, any research by him was nonsense and any of his work the he attempts to validate by using the name of the University will be met with legal action.

“They would say that wouldn’t they” was Shellac’s response. “Fucking hypocrite cunts”.


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