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CYCM: The Princess of Cheetham Hill…

Submitted by on March 24, 2011 – 11:22 pmOne Comment

EggsThis Saturday play-off-place-chasing FC United of Manchester have a run-in with Horse Therapy United in a here’s-the-house-here’s-the-people-here’s-the-church-and-here’s-the-steeplechase for a smarter position in the league than where we are now. It’ll be a mare. There’ll be glue involved somewhere for the loser. We’re sure that football will be the winner though, cough. In something as perplexing as ‘Why doesn’t ‘though’ rhyme with ‘cough’ even though it should because they almost have the same letters?’ here is the agenda for Saturday’s CYCM:

11.59 The frilly-fronts who are the Frilly-Fronts turn up.

12.00 The doors open. Breathe the Manchester air within that’s been brought to cheer us.

1.00 Straight outta Crompton. See below.

1.45 Margentiferous. Karl Ihaveanafflictioninson.

2.00 Josephine Oniyama. Our megamintop turn. See below.

2.30 Twomowers and ‘This team is, quite preposterously, sheet’.

3.00 FC Untainted of Manchester take to the pitch with their unsponsored shirts untainted.

3.03 We held out for 3 minutes at Buxton before conceding. We’re optimists at CYCM and think we can get to that defensive standard again.

3.04 0 – 1

3.45 CYCM welcomes you back in for the half time oljebolling.

4.50 Traipse back to the city we won’t for long be having to traipse back to because we’ll be in it.


The unofficial Mayoress of Cheetham Hill is playing at Course You Can Malcolm. She is the captivating voice that is Josephine Oniyama. Goodness me the folk behind CYCM love her music and they are borderline Notts-County-cup-win giddy that she is gracing our presence with her shultry shounds of shenshitivity. Putting it simply, the girl is too good for us. Playing for the Princessly sum of just romance and one bottle of beer, prepare yourself for a filling up of all the goodness that you could possibly require before 90 minutes of football warfare where one can feel free to release the darker side of our quest for fan-ownership-inspired dominance.

It’s fitting that we have someone so lovely and so Mancunian playing CYCM this week so as to fill the ‘lovely-void’ left by our usual volunteers who are down in number. This is because so many of them are in London for the day – all of them season ticket holders and members – demonstrating their Mancunian inheritance by exercising their hard fought for, democratic rights to protest against the government cuts “Politics in football? Goodness me, who would have thought it?” said one fan-owned-club member to another as they went to watch a team they had created and owned and that their children and their children’s children were going to own.


This new early section on the agenda in the last Malcomses saw amongst other things a Trim phone impression, a drummer telling drummer jokes, a joke about ‘What is it with Russian dolls? They’re just so full of themselves’ and someone singing an acapella song that we think was called ‘I’m Anthony Blunt.’ This time we have Matt and Dennis.

Matt, who many of you know as Matt the Bike, runs a monthly quiz night in the Briton’s Protection in town. He’s also one of the charmers behind the Belle Vue magazine and the Belle Vue vinyl nights that we’ve all enjoyed so much and in fact there’s one on the night of the 26th of March. Dennis is all round eggy of head. He’s proved this by being on Eggheads. And The Chase and Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and an array of other such ‘please turn over’ quiz shows.

In Malcolmses this week Matt the Bike is going to ask a small number of questions to two teams. One team contains the whole of the audience at Malcolmses with mass audience conferring. The other team contains…Dennis. He’ll be downstairs on his own in that side room by the front door where you come in. Are we collectively as clever as one bloke? We shall see. Without stirring our wooden spoon but stirring our wooden spoon we see us lot as the fan-owned collective of knowledge. We, the CYCM audience, are like the Native American Indians who gladly pooled their wealth of intellect and didn’t have a word for ’homework’. Mind you it could have been ‘metalwork’ or ‘Tech drawing’ or something. Anyway, they were nice. Whereas Dennis is more of your greedy Abramovich grabber of knowledge. You can be too boffinesque. Accordingly, we can hiss and boo at his boffinology, the brainy article that he is.

Contact us at courseyoucanmalcolm@fcutd.co.uk if you know of anyone with ‘special’ skills that might be suitable for future Malcolmses. Go on.


Blaine informs us that this week’s guest-beer-from-the-brewery-that-is-near-to-the team-we’re-playing is Great Newsome Brewery’s ‘Sleck dust.’ “A straw coloured, light, refreshing session ale, 3.8% abv.” He stated. 3.8%? Thank goodness for that, at last one that doesn’t get you walking like Max Wall. ‘Keep it to less than a bucketful and it won’t affect your love making skills either’, Blaine added.


There’s no Norwegian chef this week as he’s in Norway. That’s just odd. Stepping into the culinary north west counties league division two to assist Eyebrows, the Denis Irwin of Lettuce Leave, is Mr Pace with his ‘Mam and lad’ combo dish. Well we say ‘Mam and lad’ combo. This translates as Mam does all the graft cooking the vegetarian chilli whilst son tries on a series of plumped-up hats whilst fancying himself in the lobby mirror in various levels of subdued lighting. He might occasionally go into the kitchen to ask if he’s getting to the required level of dandy but that’s about all she’ll see of him. Well that and the metal tips on his shoes and the vent in his crushed velvet jacket as he flounces out to his Rococo bedroom to play 78s and to buff his buffables twixt the tweak of his tweaklets.

That’s about it. Again at the last do, as has happened all season, the ‘full’ sign went up. There’s earlier entertainment and food now so just get there early and gird up thy loins for the six pointer that will be taking place later. It’s not as if it’s a hardship or there’s an SBD championship taking place. Although many contenders frequent the place. It’s your very own pub. We’ve engineered a little piece of free Manchester to take place in Bury. It’s your pub, you own it, you built it, you build it, you belong there. The great thing is, is that we know it. Rejoice for we have found peace. All this and Josephine Oniyama. Together, as always, to the next three points.

Fraternally yours,

The CYCM Oddies.

One Comment »

  • Felonious Manc says:


    No. Here’s the church and here’s the steeple, open the doors and here are the people.

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