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Submitted by on December 24, 2019 – 2:10 pmNo Comment

Santa at Primark in town

A new study by a leading Manchester University professor and his team has proved what all Christians feared – that Christmas is shite. Dr. Jeremy Shellac of UMIST made the startling discovery after researching all aspects of the popular annual holiday that celebrates the birth of the baby Jesus.

“We studied Christmas, or, as we say in the team, Xmas for 12 months and came to the conclusion that it is absolute shite as is everything related to it from Santa Claus (Father Christmas) to the virgin Mary (Jesus’s mam), all bollocks the lot of it”, said Shellac. “When you’re a kid it might be o.k., especially if you’re a rich kid. You get toys and selection boxes and life seems good, you might have to go to boring church but it’s usually a price worth paying at that age. But then you get older and everyone wants your money and your kids are mithering for stuff and they make you replace perfectly good tellies for new plasmas and lcds and everyone gets pissed and your missus starts snoggin strangers”.

But top Christians have hit back at Shellac’s study. The Reverend Travis Bickle of Chigley described the study as ridiculous. “Professor Solomon is talking with his cock out”, the man of the cloth told us. “Christmas is a joyful time, a time of giving, with logs on the fire and gifts on the tree, a time to rejoice in the good that we see, a time for living, a time for believing, a time for trusting no deceiving, love and laughter and joy ever after.”

However Shellac accused the clergy of looking after their own interests: “That cunt would say that wouldn’t he, vicars and their other bible bashing mates just want the work it brings, they wouldn’t vote for the abolition of Xmas just like turkeys wouldn’t vote to keep it.”



Father Christmas. A load of shite. There’s no need for him anymore when you can just shop on the internet. It might have been a good idea when toys were made of wood but are you seriously telling me that Santa’s elves make playstations and mobile phones?

Mistletoe. What a load of old bollocks. It’s a parasite plant for a start and anyone who uses it to snog other people’s missuses or daughters is a desperate perv cunt. Savile used to grow mistletoe.

The Nativity. Utter shite. Made up story about a virgin getting tubbed – yeah there’s loads of them in Harpurhey too. Anyway when Jesus grew up he got on every fooker’s nerves so they ended up crucifying him.

Christmas Cards. What a racket. If anyone sends me a Christmas card I get my magic marker out, write fuck off on it then send it back to them – I call it my festive fuck off tablet. Cards are for insecure twats.

Food and Drink. I like getting pissed and having a good nosebag just like the next bloke but the way people indulge at Xmas is fooking ridic. Some of the fat cunts need an extra arsehole drilling to cope with the excess and those wankers that can’t handle their ale…

Carols. Boooorring. No one like carols or carol singers. Mithering look-at-me twats.

A spokesman for Manchester University told AFL that Professor Shellac was unknown to them and that UMIST ceased to exist in 2004. “They would say that wouldn’t they” was Shellac’s response. “Fucking miserable cunts”.

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