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telly guide

Submitted by on March 14, 2010 – 11:53 am7 Comments

I used to write a telly guide for another site – i stopped writing it.  There was no outcry of people demanding it back – that really should tell me something.. so here back by absolutely no demand is toast’s telly guide:

See, what it is, is that my saturday mornings are the highlight of my week – i rip open the guardian (apparently other papers are available but seemingly not to writers of A fine lung) and chuck aside all the other sections, grab the guide, sit down and plan my week’s telly viewing… it’s genuinely my highlight.  But things have recently taken a turn for the worse and me and the guide are beginning to fall out.  See, i have freeview, i don’t have sky because i’m not a cunt. If that reads a bit ‘all people with Sky are cunts’ then there is a good reason for that, they are – you are if you have sky.  I really genuinely fucking hate people with Sky, if someone  casually mentions they watched something on Sky i walk  away – if someone tells me they ‘sky plussed’ something i stab them in the eye with their own fucking shoes.

I’m sitting here wondering whether i have the time or energy to describe why i hate Sky, and more particularly hate people who have sky (hate the sinner not the sin as a, possibly drunk, priest once told me.) Actually i’m not, i’ll save it for when i’m full of the wine and am barely coherent, it’ll stop me from buying another lathe on e-bay… i don’t even know what a lathe does, but thanks to 2.99 wine and ebay i now have one in my shed.

So anyway, me and the guide are falling out big style – see the guide used to highlight only the things on council telly, but no more, today for example i got dead excited when i saw that ‘loneliness of the long distance runner’ is on this week… i love that film, i REALLY love that film, i got out my megatron and got ready to set my trusty recorder… oh that’s right a recorder – you people with your ‘oh what do you call it now when you sky plus something you can’t call it “taped” ‘ – no you call it “record”, dicks. Anyway i got ready to record and… FUCK, it’s on TCM. That’s for them sky types, not for the likes of me… So, i thought, well if i am going to sit down and scour the tiny print to find what telly is worth watching then surely i should resurrect the telly guide – so here we are.

Yes I know it’s Sunday now but i’m started writing this on saturday, and you can get this on iPlayer, if i remember i’ll put in a link… here it is

Requiem for Detroit
Detroit was once America’s fourth largest city. Built by the car for the car, with its groundbreaking suburbs, freeways and shopping centres, it was the embodiment of the American dream. Now it is truly a dystopic post-industrial city, in which 40 per cent of the land in the centre is returning to prairie. The burgeoning urban agricultural movement is the fastest growing movement in the US.

Sunday already looks like a perfect storm of terrible films….. i say ‘looks like’ because of them I have only seen one – the truly fucking awful Human Traffic (BBC2 1.20am), i walked out of the cinema at this one, it was my own fault, why in the name of christ did i pay money to watch it, it’s got danny dyer in it – also on is Snakes on a Plane (Ch4 9pm), Revolver(Five 10pm) and Silent Hill (Ch4 11.05) – i haven’t seen these but they look really shit.

Fans of cunts really do have a great day ahead on sunday with Top Gear featuring Boris Johnston, piers morgan doing something on ITV, Trevor Mcdonald meeting moon faced disappointment, david cameron (ITV 22:15) all rounded off with shit band blur in their own documentary about what they did before they became cheese farmers Blur: No Distance left to run (BBC2 22:50). This is followed by them live at glastonbury.  Which can’t really be as bad as it sounds can it?

The only film of any note is Water (BBC4 19:00) which i haven’t seen but looks like it might be worth a watch,  trailer here. Also The Brothers Grimm (BBC1 22:55) is Terry Gilliam so can’t be bad, can it?

Good telly wise, the only things that leap out are Wonders of the Solar System (BBC2 9pm) which does look ace and Tropic of Cancer (BBC2 8pm) the press release for which reads:
‘In Mexico Simon is put through his paces by a masked female wrestler, while in the Bahamas he uncovers the suffering of Haitian refugees. North Africa is full of surprises, from a long-forgotten civil war to a vast scheme to extract millions of gallons of water from underneath the desert. In the jungles of Burma he meets villagers struggling to survive under brutal oppression.’  Other proper reviewers who get advance copies and stuff say this is very good – it does sound it.

Of the radio on sunday, Women of the New Waveblurb here (R4 13:30) looks worth a listen,  not much else stands out but as always the wonderful Freak Zone (R6 17:30) should also be worth a listen, this week featuring Throbbing Gristle and Nigerian Afro beat.


Panorama (BBC1 20:30) ‘Are the net police coming for you?’ explores the governments digital economy bill, which sounds interesting, but it’s joe whiley who is doing the exploring so this could be one of them – i can’t watch stuff like this without shouting at the telly, i used to quite enjoy that, and would, in the past have lapped up programs like Dispatches (Ch4 8pm) Children of Gaza, now i find that it just depresses the hell out of me.  Film wise The good the bad and the ugly (Five 21:00) is the pick of the day.  On the radio, Punk Rock USA (R6 midnight) is about the 60s west coast garage scene.

The Battle for North America (BBC2 9pm)could be good – but i’m undecided on Dan Snow, this week it’s about the Battle of Quebec in 1759 – but this is just filler before Cocaine Cowboys on More4 at 10pm – this looks ace – heres the trailer On the radio, is Behind the Brel: the story of a musical genius (R2 23:30) – Marc Almond on the life and music of Jacques Brel.

The Berlusconi Show (BBC2 7pm) – i might not like to admit it but there is something fascinating about this fella, just how the hell does he get away with it? is my main question – i hope this programme answers that otherwise it’ll be duomo cathedrals in the face all round.  Barcelona Vs Stuttgart (ITV 19:30) is the live football on Wednesday. The man who ate everything (BBC4 9pm) sounds a bit like one of those BBC3 things like ‘the boy with an arse for a face‘ but it is Andrew Graham-Dixon profiling Alan Davidson, author of the quite eccentric ‘Oxford Companion to food’ – as i write this i realise how dull this sounds, but it sounded good when i read about it, so you shut up.

On the rare occasions i ever leave my house and take the great silver snake to london i get excited because more often than not it means i can go to the Natural History Museum, it’s the best place ever – but even putting aside a full day it’s difficult to see everything – it is vast.  I also have been lucky enough to go ‘behind the scenes’ there, that makes it sound like i have contacts and an ‘in’ in the shadowy museum underworld, no i just signed up for a behind the scenes tour…. it’s whole new levels of ace, so with that i will be very much looking forward to  Museum of Life (BBC2 8pm) where reformed pig farmer jimmy doherty goes behind the scenes.. like me but probably because he DOES have contacts in the murky museum underworld. Little Otik (Film 4 00:35) is possibly the best film about a woman who raises a  tree stump as her child i have ever seen, really this is a great film and a great intro to the wonderfully named Jan Svankmaer, the Czech master of stop motion animation, heres the trailer. Fear of Fanny (BBC4 22:25) has Julia Davis and Mark Gatiss and is described as a black comedy, thats pretty much all i know but i’ll be watching it on the strength of that anyway… and it’s got a mildly amusing title… obv. And if that wasn’t enough, Kes (ITV3 23.05) is on – surely a contender for greatest film ever?

I hate prog rock, i’m not sure why, i’ve always avoided it and probably wouldn’t know my Tales from topographic oceans from In the wake of poseidon, but i do like the ‘Britannia’ series of musical documentaries on BBC4, Prog Rock Britannia (BBC4 9pm) will undoubtedly feature Yes and Genesis – i might do that thing where i drink a box of wine and shout at the telly again, yes that’s my friday night sorted. Does anyone want to buy a lathe?


  • Nefred Felman says:

    That makes about as much sense as hating people who drunk Coke. ;)

  • Twomowers says:

    is one still a cunt if one obtains sky programmes illegally?

  • toast says:

    No, I thought about this quite a bit last night, and i was torn, but no, no i don’t think they are and NTL telly or virgin or whatever it is now is alright as well…. its mostly people with sky plus – they do that thing that iphone people do, they talk about it in a way that you wonder did they buy it or invent the fucking thing?

    • Twomowers says:

      my father-in-law has sky+ (the + sign is what i imagine people with sky+ say when they say “sky+” rather than the word “plus”) and he also pays sky for HD tv which possibly makes him a double cunt

      • toast says:

        i’m getting angry just thinking about that. I like how now, even in these technological times, the best way to watch live football is on a shit stream on justin.tv or sopcast or one of them, foreign commentary with pauses lags and all the rest, you should suffer a little bit to watch football, this is a marked step up from ‘watching’ games on ceefax but still a bit shit – and thats how it should be – this high definition stuff… its not right twomowers, its just no how things should be. you’ve made me upset now

  • jstand says:

    Boy with an arse for a face just made me “LOL”. This is Facebook, no?

  • I used to write a telly guide for another site – i stopped writing it. There was no outcry of people demanding it back – that really should tell me something……

    Шикарная вещица!…

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