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CYCM 13/10/18: The Darlington Buds of Malcs

Submitted by on October 10, 2018 – 4:12 pmNo Comment

Eggs. Wind. News. Arsenal’s unbeaten record in 2004. All things that are, we think you’ll agree, much better when they are broken. And what with us being a breakaway football club we tend to have a half-decent eye for things that are broken and, as if to prove a point, this Saturday at Course You Can Malcolm, we’ll be entertaining you with something that is both broken and ace. But more of that later because first we have some very important breaking news to share with you.

No, not the type of breaking news that you get on the BBC where that red banner scrolls along the bottom of the screen and your heart momentarily skips a beat before Martine Croxall picks up a piece of paper and announces that the Tories are being Tories again and are setting out their latest plans on how they intend to screw the nation at their bonding weekend in Birmingham. No, this Malcolmses breaking news is the good type of breaking news for a change.

SpennerThe eagle-eyed amongst you may have spotted the close proximity of the Steve Spencer cardboard cut-out to the tater ash server-uppers at last month’s Malcolmses. Well there is good reason for this as we can now exclusively reveal that Stu from the Bay (or SFTB as the cool kids refer to him) has acquired a gizmo off a well-known internet auction site which allows us to accurately measure out how much tater ash is being plopped into each bowl. And yes, before you ask, we’ve had it checked out and it is fully compliant with the Weights and Measures Act of 1985. We’re not daft. Anyway, this top of the range gadget is carefully hidden in Lynette’s winter hat (which is placed on Spenner’s head) and with its wifi-wizardry is able to whizz the numbers, faster than we can say “help yourselves to red cabbage”, to a tater ash spreadsheet in the office where the club’s top brass are able to monitor the profit margin, to two decimal places, on each bowl. Who said that a bunch of “lefties” couldn’t play their part in running a football club eh? Pfffttt.

Photo courtesy of Working Class Movement Library, Salford

Photo courtesy of Working Class Movement Library, Salford

But enough about us fulfilling our fiscal duties because Malcolmses is back this Saturday to welcome with you a bear-like Red embrace, nourish you physically and spiritually and hopefully put a smile on our faces in these trying times. Even factoring in the balls-up of Ten Acres Lane and all those play-offs we’ve lost down the years, last Saturday felt like the grimmest of grim Crystal-Palace-in-December-1989 afternoons. But fear not. We may be bottom of the

league, out of the FA Cup, struggling to recruit a new manager and permanently furrowing our brows over cash flow forecasts but for three hours before kick-off on Saturday you’ll be able to, once again, enjoy music, beer, food, a quiz and possibly some poetry all in the company of fellow Reds and inside your own football ground. All brought to you by the hard-grafting Malcolmses volunteers. There’ll be nothing else quite like it in a football ground in the UK or possibly even in Europe this weekend. We do alright.

Food-wise we will have the usual Westwell’s tater ash and cheese pies along with some homemade vegan loveliness prepared by one of our volunteers and more veggie hotdogs out of a kettle madness as well as possibly a cake or two to nourish you. Entertainment-wise, although we haven’t got any scouse-busting seventies United heroes for you this time round, we‘re confident that nonetheless we’ve got another line-up to sate your appetite. So read on to find out how it all might or might not pan out:

12.00 Doors open

Turnstiles will open at the St. Mary’s Road End at 12 noon for fans wishing to attend CYCM (many thanks to the volunteer making this possible). So please use these turnstiles rather than accessing the ground via the main entrance.

12.45 Si kicks things off

Stand-in MC Baz was ace last time out but our very own Weatherman is back from getting hitched and honeymooned (check your Instagram feeds kids) to once again introduce the turns at Course You Can Malcolm. Expect plenty of trademark wry observational humour and some seasonal Fjallraven.

1.20 Speaker to be confirmed

Not a definite at this stage unfortch but as soon as we know more we’ll update you.

1.50 Quiz (Karl Ladley)

CYCM’s resident quizmaster Karl Ladley is back to test our knowledge of FC United related matters and other stuff. Last time the answers included former Southport (our opponents that day) residents Peter Davenport and Red Rum so it’s probably worth swotting up on ex-United players and/or Grand National winners that have lived in Darlo. The winning team scored 9 out of 10 last time so if you fancy getting your mitts on a top prize then as Roy Maurice once said before an important competition “fail to prepare, prepare to fail”.

2.15 OK Broken

OK BrokenDown the years we’ve been well served at Malcolmses by bands with unassuming names like Slow Readers Club and Cabbage that eschew fast-paced detective novels and leafier vegetables for less shouty pursuits. At CYCM we also prefer to get stuff done and done well without straying into trumpet blowing territory and we admire this trait in our musical guests – Noel Gallagher and his High Flying Tories deffo won’t be on the guest list any time soon.

So we’re delighted to announce that the suitably self-effacing OK Broken will be playing for us at Malcolmses this Saturday. If you haven’t heard of them already, they’re a hotly tipped three piece indie rock band from Oldham featuring Gaz Wright on vocals and guitar, Phil McArdle on bass and Alex Whitehead on drums and list a wide range of musical influences from heavy rock to R&B. The success of self-funded singles such as Waiting in Line and Dying Soul has been followed-up with a trio of recent releases, like Ground Control, that listeners to FCUM Radio may already be familiar with and they recently played at the Manchester Creative Collective event at Night People in town as well as a festival in Blackpool last month. They like their clobber too and recently signed a sponsorship deal with a leading mod clothing retailer. But regardless of whether or not you have a fetish for fishtail parkas we think you’ll like OK Broken. They’re OK with us.

3.00 Our red-shirted heroes take to the field to do battle with Darlington

We’ve never beaten Darlington before and, on current form, they probably won’t exactly be quaking (geddit?) at the prospect of playing us at the moment but having been fed, watered and culturally replenished, let’s raise the roof and see if we can cheer the lads on to a much needed three points. Or a point, let’s not get carried away.

Sounds alright doesn’t it? We’ve said it before but we really are lucky to be able to enjoy such talent and creativity for freemans, all within the bosom of our very own football ground. And we’ll possibly have other stuff going on if time allows. Hopefully we’ll see you there. Till then….

 

CYCM’s home is under the St Mary’s Road End terrace and entrance is free, just head to the turnstiles at the St Mary’s Road End of the ground but try and get there as early as possible as we’re anticipating that, once again, it will be busy. We’ll be located about two-thirds of the way down the SMRE and there will be no partitioning in place. So if you’ve never been to CYCM before and are curious to find out what it’s all about then please feel free to join us and have a nosey – the more the merrier, the rest of us will just have to shuffle up a bit. Usual rules apply: no divviness or nuclear weapons or prancing uneasily to the music of Abba. Refugees welcome.

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