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CYCM 28/10/17: Oh, Broadhurst Park is Wonderful, it’s Full of Holt, Holt’s and United….

Submitted by on October 25, 2017 – 10:45 amNo Comment

coastersThe history books don’t tell us if Joseph Holt ever met the Hyde brothers, Ralph and Alfred, and they certainly don’t tell us if they ended up scrapping. For this preview’s sake though, let’s just say they did. It probably would have started with a bit of name calling; one side telling the other theirs was the better beer, more radges enjoyed their booze, that sort of thing, before descending into full-on brewery-based fisticuffs. If it turned out more claret flowed than ale, then it hardly would have been a surprise. Two Mr. Hydes on one J. Holt? Not exactly a fair fight. No, what Joseph would have needed was back-up in the form of a second J. Holt to even things up a bit. Fortunately for the first bloodied and bruised J. Holt, one does actually exist, but unfortunately for him, A) time-travel isn’t a thing/hasn’t been invented yet, B) This is a completely made up scenario, so would be pointless anyway, and C) The second J. Holt will be too busy playing music for us to be involved in any time-bending, hypothetical brewery magnate on brewery magnate aggro.

Yes, CYCM returns once again, to entice you, attempt to delight you, but most definitely not fight you. The beery J. Holt’s will be bitter (but in a good way, not a ‘bitter as a blue trying to stop a non-league football club from getting an energy grant’ sort of way), the musical J. Holt will be all rock n’ rolly, the tater ash will be tatery, and the cheese and onion pies will be, well, cheese and oniony, no doubt. As is also usual for Malcolms, there’ll be a game of football straight after, so for the day our kickballing guests are Has-the-Nuneaton-enough-or-is-she-still-hungry Town FC, the plan is as follows:

11:00 – Diamond: To briefly sound like a cockney, the diamond geezers that are the Oddies who can be arsed getting up, arrive early, ready to lug, graft and complete a whole manner of preparation-esque activities

12:00 – Touchwood: Doors Open

1:00 – Two Hoots: Q & A with a board member, and Paul Haworth, who runs the club’s comms. If you give two hoots about your club, then this is not to be missed

1:30 – 1849: With poverty and homelessness levels seemingly not wanting to stop until they reach Victorian standards, we have two speakers from tenants union and anti-poverty organisation, ACORN

1:45 – Humdinger: The not-so welcome return of audience participation with a pure pants quiz

2:20 – Crystal Gold: The excellent James Holt provides the music. Read on to find out more

3:00 – Sixex: Will you need several bottles of Holt’s six percent leviathan to get you through the next 90+ minutes? Only one way to find out….


Say what you want about the St. Mary’s Road End, but it belongs to all of us, whether you stand on it, and/or frequent its bars or not. And as it belongs to all of us, it’s okay for us to acknowledge that it’s not quite the stand we know it can be. Obviously with the Power To Change grant, the club are aiming to change all that and give our little old stand the spruce up it needs. Now, we were going to have an SMRE development update with the board, but such is the nature of life, it’s had to be postponed. Fret ye not though, because instead we’ll be having a general Q & A with a board member, alongside Paul Haworth, who currently heads up the Comms Team. He’ll be providing a brief update on the club’s communications and answering any questions you may have. He’ll also tell you about plans for the next “Reds should Play…” event planned for next month, as he’s going to need your help to pull it all together. And if you’re thinking of asking the board if we can have a spot in the SMRE that commemorates Wayne Rooney’s stunning performance in the Casillero del Diablo wine advert, then forget it, because I already asked. And the answer was no.

Following on from the Q and A, it’s a pleasure to introduce ACORN, the renters’ union. You can’t have helped noticing, especially since a certain political party came to power in 2010 (it’s almost as if there’s some sort of correlation), that the cost of living has increased dramatically, while the standard of living has plummeted, and continues to plummet, for many. We’re also in the midst of a housing crisis, and while the likes of ACORNManchester council continue to drool over their ‘luxury apartments’ that are springing up everywhere, nothing appears to be happening to help those in dire need of a roof over their head. Step forward ACORN, who are, in their own words: “First and foremost a tenants union. We came together over rising rents, evictions and disrepair. We want decent, secure, affordable homes for all. Our revolution starts at home, and finishes in the workplace. And the nursery. The local park. In the job centre. And in Westminster. Because we also need good jobs & communities. This housing crisis is an employment crisis, a welfare crisis, and an economic and political crisis….We need a revolution in politics and the economy.” We’ll be having Molly and Sam representing ACORN coming down to talk to us, so it’s definitely not to be missed. For more information on them in the meantime, you can see their website here.

The day’s entertainment, as always, climaxes with live music, and boy, oh boy, oh boy are we in for a treat with this turn. A native of Bolton, James Holt is an alt-rock artist making wavier waves than a 1980s Molly Ringwald hairdo. Described as “Fresh and exciting to listen to” by none other than Brian Eno, he combines rock, prog and blues, mixes in his “arresting voice that is reminiscent of John Lennon or early Bob Dylan” (as the MEN put it), and produces some rather fine and raucous music. To find out more about James, you can visit his website, Facebook page, Soundcloud page, or have a shufty at this ace video of his cover of The Smiths’ ‘Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me’, where he plays every instrument himself. Smart.


Amidst all this goodness, there’ll be the usual features, such as raffles, bad quizes, anti-tooth treats in the form of cake, and the never-to-be-missed Westwells’ tater ash and cheese and onion pies. Seriously, if you’ve never tried them then you basically haven’t started living yet. And what better time to start than this Saturday? Carpe diem, and all that.

So there you have it, another installment of the on-going adventures of Course You Can Malcolm. You can’t quite binge on us like a full series on Netflix, but you can rely on us to pop up with a special from time to time. A bit like Morecambe and Wise at Christmas, except it’s not the festive season yet and we don’t have a 1970s celebrity in tow who we continually refer to by a comic variation on their name. Though there is still time to get Vanessa Redgrave to appear for us, even if she is eighty and might not fancy it. If you’re reading this and do fancy it though, then get yourselves down. There’s worse ways to spend a grey October Saturday….

Just so you know: if you come looking for us in the main stand bar, you’ll be disappointed. Not quite the disappointment I felt this week when I found out the Aldis didn’t have the buffalo mozzarella I like, but close. The reason? We have a new home, and that new home is under the St Mary’s Road End terrace. We’ll have about half of the space under there (at the end furthest from the Main Stand), so if you’ve just read all this and think it sounds bobbins, then one end of the SMRE space will be partitioned off so you can enjoy a pint without us impinging on your life too much. Entrance to CYCM is free, just head to the turnstiles at the far end of the St Mary’s Road End of the ground, but try and get there as early as possible as we’re anticipating it’s going to get busy. Usual rules apply: no divviness, nuclear weapons or people who refer to a cup of tea as a ‘brewski’. Refugees welcome.

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