Klar Könnt Ihr Malcolm Und Dietrich 04/02/17: 1993 -1994: Wing When You’re Sinning
Ever since humans evolved to the stage they could feel envy, they’ve looked up at birds with a sickly-green tinge to their faces. Not only can these feathery little chaps strut around on terra firma, but thanks to their wings, they can soar to the tip of the highest mountains, or swoop so low they can make out each transplanted follicle on Wayne Rooney’s bonce. To put it bluntly, birds have wings and can fly, people don’t have wings and can’t fly. And it has us spitting feathers (arf) with jealousy.
We may have since developed technology to the point we can sit at 40,000 feet in the sky and simultaneously make Michael O’Leary even richer, but we know it’s not the same. The human race has long since given up on gluing feathers to arms and flapping them up and down in a knackering, futile gesture, but the fascination still remains, all the same. Paul McCartney, for example, named his first post-Beatles band, Wings. Louis Van Gaal, despite having terrible taste in football, had great taste in Chinese food and was a regular at Wings in Lincoln Square. And the 1993-1994 Double winning team of Manchester United utilised wings to devastating effect, with Ryan Giggs dazzling on the left, and Andrei Kanchelskis bombing it down the right, holding his arms at that slightly odd angle that made him look like he’d followed through and couldn’t hide it any longer.
The season of 1993-94 saw United build on the success of their previous title-winning season, and with last week being CYCM’s 1992-93, we now move onto the second part of our own double, and look to improve on last week’s offerings with a cranking up of the fun/nonsense.
If we’re looking to emulate the success of that United side through our own wings though, one thing we definitely won’t be doing is drinking a certain, sickly-sweet energy drink to grow them. Far from giving us wings, it’ll probably just give us diabetes and a muffin top instead, and that’s hardly conducive to us not only matching last week, but improving on it. Drinking said Taurine-infused beverage would also mark us down as morally redundant, especially as our special guests this week have suffered more than most at the hands of this corporate monster intent on caffeine-laced world domination.
Hopefully you’re well acquainted by now with the story of SV Austria Salzburg’s formation (and if you’re not, a] sort your life out, and b] have a read of Jonathan Allsopp’s ace article here), but the short version essentially is that the fans of Salzburg had their club stolen from them, by a drinks company who like putting pictures of male cows on football shirts. So, like us, they decided they weren’t standing for it and set their own club up.
Fast forward twelve years, and that brings us to this Saturday, where not only do the Salzburg supporters get to see a game against a fellow fan-owned club, but also take an active part in an event we’ve briefly renamed Klar Könnt Ihr Malcolm Und Dietrich (If you don’t know who Dietrich is, look him up. But don’t spend too much time on him as he’s not worth it). Read on to find out more:
12:00 Unable to handle the luxury of a lie-in, institutionalised early-getter-uppers The Oddies have been awake for hours. Despite being up since daft o’clock, there won’t be any need for copious amounts of sugar and caffeine to get them through
1:00 Doors open, and Reds desperate to whet their whistles will be able to choose from an array of drinks. But not a certain energy drink, of course
1:30 Factory Records Auction – See below
2:22 Space Monkeys – Monkeys are better than bulls, everyone knows that. Read below for more details (details about the band that is, not details on the difference between monkeys and bulls)
3:30 Quiz – The Bull-ingdon Club: a bull-related quiz, and not a pig’s head in sight
4:15 Salzburg fan Schützei – see below
5:00 When FC United go out to play it’s 3 o’clock on Saturday. Except this Saturday it’s 5 o’clock, and not because Sky or BT have dictated the time to us either. With the first direct flights from Salzburg only getting in to Ringway at 1:35, it wouldn’t have been fair to expect a group of fans on their Euro away to not have some drinking time first
Space Monkeys lead singer and all-round good egg Richard McNevin-Duff is no stranger to Malcolms, having had the honour of being the last ever turn to appear at the old Bury-based CYCM. This time he’s back with the rest of the band (minus the drummer, unfortch. And no, it’s not down to the usual rogue-ish drummer shenanigans, before you ask), and they’ll be playing an acoustic set for us. For those of you not familiar with the band, they were the last ever act signed to Factory Records in 1996, and proceeded to score a top ten hit in America, following up that success with a tour on the same bill as Smash Mouth and Third Eye Blind. If that’s got you suitably intrigued, have a read of this old A Fine Lung article on the band here. And make sure you come down and see them, obviously.
Just as he did last time, Richard has also kindly donated a load of old Factory Records stuff he’s had for years. We’ve got CDs, vinyl and even reel-to-reel tapes, so we’ll be auctioning them off to whoever can hold their nerve and bid the highest. As you know, it’s all for the club, so cast aside any guilt you may have at being a capitalist consumer, and bid, bid like you’ve never bid before. Please? Ta.
(And in case you were worried; yes, they do know we play in Moston now and not Bury. Richard was here on Saturday watching Cabbage, so rest assured they won’t end up at Gigg Lane wondering why there’s so much bad leather on show for an FC game)
Ending the afternoon/early evening on a high, we’ll have Salzburg fan Schützei, who in the words of fellow supporter David Rettenbacher, “…is a legendary Austria-Salzburg Fan who can make a stand-up “show” with his guitar, singing funny songs, telling funny stories in his funny English, …”. We’re hoping to have as many Salzburg fans there as possible, so what better way to extend the hand of international friendship and solidarity than getting them to have a barmy sing-song with us? They won’t understand a word we say, we won’t understand a word they say, but on a Euro away, none of that matters one jot.
Can’t wait until Saturday to see Schützei do his thing? Not even sure what his thing is? Well worry no more, as here’s a video of Schützei and his thing in action.
As if music, drink, auctions and comradeship with our Austrian friends wasn’t enough, we’ll also be running a quiz that may be Bull-themed (if I can be arsed doing my Taurus based research), proving there are better bulls than red ones out there. On top of this we’ll also be running a raffle, with prizes including a smelly set we’ve been trying to get rid of since the Bury days, an A3 sized United calendar from 1982 complete with authentic eighties plastic bag (it has 061 instead of 0161 on the number listed on it, so you know it’s legit), and anything else we can get our grubby, prize hungry mitts on. Rounding off these many delights on offer, we’ll also have a table set up with old issues of A Fine Lung, and CYCM DVDs that we’ll be flogging for a 50p donation to the DF. Never let it be said that we don’t spoil you rotten, as it is clearly isn’t true. Rumours that we have boxes of old fanzines cluttering up various spare rooms and lofts that need shifting fast, are just spurious lies, and shall not be responded to.
So, Malcolm Glazer and Dietrich Mateschitz may be/have been a pair of horrible, greedy gets, more interested in filling their already bulging pockets, but they inadvertently created two clubs they’d never be able to understand or even want to understand. But that’s fine with us, because we don’t need people like that and we never will. Is it clichéd and a bit cheesy to say what FC United and Salzburg have, money can’t buy? Gorgonzolay so, yes, but it’s also completely true. This Saturday, come join us and enjoy this thing of ours that money can’t buy, even if there is a bit of a cheesy whiff. You just might like it.
Just so you know: CYCM resides in the Main Stand bar. We’ll have two thirds of the room, but if you’ve just read all this and think it sounds bobbins, then one end of the room will be partitioned off so you can enjoy a pint in peace. Once you’re in the ground, entrance to CYCM is free, just head to the Main Stand. Normally if you get there before 1 we’d tell you to make your way through the main entrance until the turnstiles are open, but at this stage we don’t know the times they’ll be opening yet, so keep your eyes peeled for information on the fishal site. Either way, make sure you get there as early as possible, as we’re anticipating it’s going to get busy. So busy in fact, we’ll have hand stamps allowing you to get in and out as you please. We don’t want you not getting back in if you’ve popped out, as that’d just be cruel. And we don’t want that.