CYCM 08/10/16: Triggering Article Nifty
If you’ve seen the news this week, you’ll have noticed something a bit odd and disconcerting peering out of your TV screens: sour looking human/goblin hybrids, clad in the greyest of grey suits matched only by their equally grey faces. They’ve been spending the past week in Birmingham, greying it up and having one long party with all their greyer than grey mates. It doesn’t seem to be a particularly fun party mind, especially as all they do is sit around a lot looking bored and wearing lanyards, with not even a game of musical chairs to pass the time (they’ve clearly got the chairs, but maybe they’re scared of their lanyards getting tangled or something? Dunno). One thing they do seem keen on though, is waffling on all day about triggering something known as ‘Article Fifty’. If this is what passes for a party these days, it’s probably for the best Course You Can Malcolm makes its long awaited match day comeback, and shows them how to do it properly.
Aside from one Friday night in the summer, Broadhurst Park has so far been bereft of an event that combines music, poetry, beer, homemade cakes, tater ‘ash, socio-political talks and other such nifty things, so it’s clearly the right time for us to trigger our own Article Nifty and get things back on track. And getting things back on track we are, with a bang bigger and less likely to spear you with a poorly constructed spike than the B of The Bang. While Alfred Reton and his merry band of footballers face off against our own merry band of footballers at 3 o’clock, the hours from 12-3 are our chance to entertain you, as we delight all five (and maybe even the scientifically proven sixth*) of your senses with music, poetry, a talk, and even the odd famous face. Read on to find out how this all-out assault on your senses will pan out:
11:00 The Oddies arrive to set up. It used to be even earlier at Bury, but with no need to contravene every Health and Safety reg going by lugging fridges up the stairs, they can make the most of it and have a lie-in whilst watching Saturday Morning Kitchen
11:30 The flags go up. And Moston’s heavy duty Duct tape supplies are severely depleted. And at least two flags will still fall down….
12:00 Doors Open. It’s important you try and get here for as close to 12 as possible to guarantee entry. After all, no-one wants to be left outside, all teary-eyed and snot-nosed like the kid no-one wants on their team. Why? Well you’ll soon find out why….
1:15 Jonathan from ‘Freedom From Torture’
1:30 Terry Christian (yes, that Terry Christian)
1:55 Fat Roland – Poetry and possibly pandas
2:20 The 99 Degree – Surf Psych Spaghetti Western Garage Rock, anyone?
3:00 I know, I know, you’ll want to stay, but there’s a football game to be watched. And it’s unseasonably dry and mild, so make the most of it you daft beggars
So, kicking off events at 1:15 is Jonathan talking on behalf of Freedom From Torture. They’re an organisation that grew out of Amnesty International’s Medical Group over 30 years ago, and work with survivors of torture, be that rehabilitation, adapting to life after torture, or even settling in the UK. The club have previously worked with Freedom From Torture and held weekly football sessions, so it’s nice that we can share the good work they do with a wider audience. For more information, you can visit their website here.
Our second turn of the day is someone you may be familiar with. And if you’re not familiar with Terry Christian, then where do I start? And where’ve you been the last 30 odd years of his career? I suppose a brief rundown of his CV is in order if you’re new to Terry, so here we go: he’s a multi-award winning TV, radio presenter and journalist, famous for Channel 4’s late night anarchic bonkers-fest The Word, Turn On Terry with regular guest Tony Wilson, as well as shows on ITV, VH1, MTV, and radio stations including Radio 4, BBC6 Music, Talksport, Century Radio, Key 103, Signal and BBC’s Radio Derby and GMR. He’s also written for more newspapers and magazines than he’s had hot dinners, written three books, and following on from his 2013 one-man stand-up comedy show, Naked Confessions of a Recovering Catholic, he’s back with another tour: Rebel Without Applause. More importantly than any of this though, he’s a lifelong Red, so hopefully he should feel right at home with us. He may talk to us about his life in the media, if Mark Lamarr used the grease from a pastie purchased by Franny Lee to slick his hair back, or about United; either way he’s guaranteed to entertain.
Following on from Terry, it’s a pleasure to have Fat Roland perform for us. I’m not sure I can even begin to do him justice, so I’m going to let the Edinburgh Fringe’s website do that instead (not because I’m a lazy copy and paster or owt like that, but because this is a marvellous description):
Spoken word behemoth Fat Roland mixes deadpan comedy and surreal stories with wonderfully odd illustrations. Imagine Johnny Vegas devouring Stewart Lee. On a depressed rollercoaster. Driven by a buffalo. Fats runs Bad Language in Manchester (best UK spoken word night, Saboteur Awards 2015) and is a columnist for Electronic Sound.
Have a listen to his podcast here and get your knickers all in a twist of anticipation.
And finally, it’s a first-brew-of-the-day-esque relief to bring live music back to matchdays at FC. Rounding off the afternoon, we have The 99 Degree, and ruddy excited we are to have them, too. They’ve been described as “one of Manchester’s most unhinged and original bands” and we wouldn’t want it any other way. They describe their sound as Surf Psych Spaghetti Western Garage Rock, and really, who are we to argue? The four piece Manchester band consisting of Joe Sartini on vocals, Phil Turner on guitar and backing vocals, Paul Fetherstone on bass and Craig Trickett on drums and backing vocals, have been together since 2014, and if you want to find out more about them, visit their Facebook page here.
Is that enough for you? If not, and you’ve got a salacious appetite that even four turns can’t satiate, we’ll have records spun throughout the day, including Martin Buchan’s criminally under-appreciated Old Trafford Blues (don’t say we don’t spoil you). As mowed for time as we’ll be, we may even be able to also squeeze in a quiz or a raffle. Jumping on the bandwagon of vinyl’s revival, we’re going to attempt to make VHS the next big new/old thing, and palm off old United videos to some lucky punter/fool (And of course, speaking of appetites, we’ll have tater ‘ash and veggie hotpot courtesy of the good people in the FC kitchens, homemade cakes if you’re lucky, as well as beverages both alcoholic and none, to wet your parched whistles).
There you have it then: the first match day Malcolms since 2014. It may have been a while, a lot may have happened since then, and we may have got a bit older/greyer/balder/fatter/all of the above (delete as applicable), but we’re back and ready to carry on where we left off: just making it up as we go along and hoping people like it. See you there.
CYCM’s new home is in the Main Stand bar. We’ll have two thirds of the room, but if you’ve just read all this and think it sounds bobbins, then one end of the room will be partitioned off so you can enjoy a pint in peace (but if you’re not interested, why have you read all the way to the bottom? Just saying, like). Once you’re in the ground, entrance to CYCM is free, just head to the Main Stand, through the turnstiles after 1, but make sure you get there early (come in through the main entrance and up the stairs if you arrive before the turnstiles open), as we’re anticipating it’s going to get busy.
*The sixth sense obviously being the ability to spot a blue based purely on their foot and legwear combination