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Waste of a good walk…

Submitted by on February 17, 2014 – 12:37 pmNo Comment

Golf

When I was eight my babysitter’s husband stuck me in a box, turned it upside down, and left me there for several minutes as he pissed himself laughing. Later he cheated on his wife with one of her friends. He was a golfer and supported Leeds.

When I was 23 I went to Glasgow on a golfing trip with my mates rather than take a girl I was seeing out for her birthday. She was clever, funny, well-dressed, and gorgeous.

My mates were ugly and played golf. She rightly never spoke to me again, moving to Florence to teach English, before coming back to settle down with a man who, although inferior to me in almost every way, at least knew how to emote and maintain an adult relationship.

Withington golf club has a banner outside claiming “LADIES WELCOME!” the fact they have to advertise this says a lot about the entrenched beliefs and politics wrapped up in the sport. In 2014 plenty of golf clubs refuse women admission to the club house.

That they’d be mad to want to spend any time whatsoever in the company of red-faced Tory pricks chatting shit about house prices and business isn’t the point.

So what have we learned from these three richly textured vignettes? Well, that golfers are all cruel, women-hating, selfish wankers who have odious personal politics and take joy in the suffering of children. And that Leeds fans have always and will always be backwards not-rights.

I was told the other day that golf was banned in Warsaw Pact countries as it was a waste of land that could be used for farming and growing food. I’ve not checked on this as an over reliance on facts does no one any good.

The world is too full of accountants, hung up on actualities and statistics. Where are the poets, the thinkers and the dreamers?

This Warsaw Pact fact seems reasonable enough to me and emboldens an opinion that I already hold. And for that reason I’m taking it as gospel. It’s a liberating feeling.

I went to a meeting just before Christmas in a church community centre in Beswick. A local group are setting up a cooperative to transform a piece of waste ground into a community garden.

The idea is that in a time when thousands of families are relying on food banks and handouts to eat, the community plays a role in ensuring the provision of fresh food and vegetables, for free, to those who need them. It also challenges perceptions of public space and ownership. It’s a bloody brilliant idea.

In an ideal world we’d all go out in our balaclavas and turn golf courses into rich and bountiful orchards, vegetable patches and herb gardens.

Digging up greens, filling in bunkers, and using those daft little cars they have to transport compost, water butts, and trowels around our once more green and pleasant land. Who are we going to upset? Golfers. And quite frankly fuck golfers. But I’m not daft enough to think this will happen. Yet.

Golf is quite clearly an enemy of the revolution and should be cast down a well with broken back, like that fascist wanker Batman in ‘The Dark Knight Rises’.

When this country has full employment, no homeless, and a system that provides basic necessities such as food, health care, education to all that need it, then, and only then, will we discuss its return.

Besides, it’s fucking shit.

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