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Things we don’t like

Submitted by on February 18, 2010 – 9:20 pm2 Comments

1. Chris Moyles etc
Here’s an experiment for you, before you go to bed tune your alarm into Radio One for when you wake up. You’ll know you’re on the right station if the DJ is speaking using American phrases like calling films ‘movies’ or saying ‘what’s up with that’.

Anyway when the alarm wakes you up next morning put it on snooze four or five times. I can guarantee that not once will you hear a song.

Instead you’ll be hurled from a pleasant slumber into another shite work day by the Yorkshire fatty’s non stop egotistical ramblings. Worse still, in the background will be a gaggle of sycophants laughing loudly at his painfully unfunny opinions and anecdotes.

There is no redeeming factor whatsoever about this obese windbag. Shitey jingles like something from Smashey and Nicey, weak jokes and an obsession with forcing his own opinion on people. Another thing that grates about Moyles is that he is ubiquitous.

If it’s not the radio waking me up (which she tunes in by the way, I wouldn’t dream of putting Radio One on, but I can’t work the alarm clock) then he’s all over the television as well. Thankfully his ill advised Channel 5 talk show died on its arse as you would expect but he seems to be in some sort of demand. Be it on celeb reality shows, little big brothers, ‘comedy’ panel shows or ‘I remember 2007’ type of nonsense. I think I have just described all current programming from most of the channels there actually.

Why not have a channel where Moyles, Jonathan Ross, Ricky Gervais and Gordon Ramsey can brown nose each other and shriek laughing at painful in-jokes and leave the rest of us in peace. Maybe you could press the red button if you wanted to watch that shower.

Sky Sports is introducing a similar idea next season called Sky Sports Redknapp. Press red to get analysis on the latest white shirts and black ties from Jamie (surely he is now of an age where he should be known as Jim) and transfer gossip and betting tips from ‘Arry. I despair at how popular whoppers like this are in this country. Mind you the residents of the country’s capital voted Boris Johnson Mayor of London. I blame this on the Nuts and Zoo demographic who thought he was funny on Have I Got News For You.

Maybe he was amusing, but the viewers were surely laughing AT the bumbling toff and not with him. Or so I thought. This halfwit is now in charge of an 11 billion budget and the London Police Force.

2. Manchester Dramas by non-Manchester writers
This isn’t an irrational Mancunian bigotry (of which I have a few) but it really pisses me off watching writers who have never lived in our city trying to guess at or in some cases brainwash viewers with what it is like.

To a man they make a bollocks of it. Shameless being a prime example. Paul Abbot based this sixth form end of term drama production farce on his own family and it supposedly stems from all authentic characters and family members. Abbott was born and bred in Burnley so why aren’t the authentic storylines about supporting the BNP or someone getting their finger trapped in a loom?

Why has this been set in Manchester? Jesus it embarrasses the place more than the city fans on that trawler boat to the Faroe Islands. Inner city Manchester has a rich cultural diversity and inner pride, as illustrated in the fine United song ‘Take a trip down Ancoats’. This is not represented in Shameless and the accents are up there with some of the worst ‘appen he dids’ of Coronation Street. Then again those are the accents Abbot heard in Burnley so he wouldn’t know would he?

Next is The Street by the usually excellent Jimmy McGovern. Now McGovern gave us the wonderful Cracker and in that he had aspects of Manchester and Mancunians to a tee. With The Street though despite the location being clearly based on Salford he has every episode being focussed around city fans. There are stickers and air fresheners in cabs, posters on walls and shirts on characters.

The only ever mention of United is when one of the characters makes a derogatory remark. Fair enough McGovern is a Liverpool fan and we are not too fond of his team round here either but when penning hard hitting ‘realistic’ dramas such shite as this totally ruins any semblance of credibility.

Take a stroll round any part of Manchester or Salford and you will be inundated with youngsters in United tops. Unfathomably a lot of these have ‘Nani 17’ emblazoned on the back and for the life of me I cannot see any reason what anybody despite the innocence of youth could find to like about him.

If I was writing a drama about Liverpool I would never stoop to the lowest common denominator idea of making everyone an Everton fan just to spite Liverpool fans. Everton’s ‘people’s club’ shtick is as toe curling as city’s ‘this is our city’ fallacy* and I would be loathe to feed it.

Despite this I rate Liverpool as a city and have genuinely liked the majority of its inhabitants I have encountered (except on match day of course) and I find it embarrassing how so many United fans sing so many songs about Liverpool and how they are thieves and criminals then in the next breath boast of their own jibbing and taxing exploits.

*Another experiment – think of all the blues you know and I guarantee that virtually everyone will have a city sticker or mini dangly kit thing in their car. Usually a Key 103 The Blues are Back one or ‘This is our city’. I remember playing fives against a team called Handforth who had tee shirts bearing that slogan as their kit. When Handforth received city status I’m not clear. Hilariously city’s official souvenir shop sells patches with this pish on to sew onto the players’ shirts. Almost as funny as the mod style Le Coq parkas.

3. Shit guitar bands
How on earth are those bland gobshites The Feeling making a living? Jesus tonight who buys that insipid mush? Acts like Puressence and the lyrically brilliant I am Kloot can’t seem to break out of the local circuit despite a decade plus of high quality albums and concerts and then preening snots like this seem to be on T4 and the plethora of dog muck cable music channels all day long.

This must be the worst period ever for wishy washy indie pish. Bad Cure cover band The Hoosiers and wishy washy studenty posh kids like The Wombats and The Pigeon Detectives with their plimsolls and Hollyoaks haircuts are not only selling records but securing slots at Glastonbury and being raved about in the music press.

There are countless others as bad as these mentioned. You know the script. Irrespective of where they are from they all have the same accent that sounds like every sentence is a question. Then the guitarist jumps up and down like a giddy goat and the idiots in the crowd go wild. Moyles plays everything these bells release though and his army of listeners lap it up.

These bands to me are every bit as bad as the acts churned out by the hellish Saturday evening talent shows that must have done wonders for local pubs’ business as people turn on, tune in, turn off as soon as they see what’s on and go for a pint.

These shows with teenage lads wearing George at Asda suits singing covers of swing songs and Robbie Williams tracks which nobody would watch at primetime were the original artists singing them. Why then would anybody bother their arses watching, and incredibly spend their hard earned voting for this garbage…

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