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Music, film and foreign food at Course You Can Malcolm…

Submitted by on March 28, 2013 – 9:22 pm2 Comments

An unassuming room tucked away in the top right corner of the MRE is the place to be once again beforebernardpopart Bank Holiday Monday’s crucial game against Stocksbridge Park Steels. If you pass the unflinching security presence on the door, you should climb those stairs with bated breath, unless you’re early and we ask you to help carry a fridge up, in which case an abatement in your breathing is not recommended, as it would contravene the Health and Safety Executive’s Manual Handling Operations Regulations (1992) that “apply to work which involves lifting, lowering, pushing, pulling or carrying”. So read up if you’re arriving early.

Entertaininlegsandcog you inside the welcoming environs of CYCM will be a Mancunian cultural gem, whose talented fingers now threaten to surpass even the feet that once out-danced Legs and Co to ‘Brown Girl in the Ring’ on Top of the Pops. Writer, artist and musician Bernard Kelly makes a much-anticipated return with his trusty ukulele, this time with mystery band members, ready to regale us with his inimitable brand of melancholy, funny, heartfelt and astute lyrical observations and ponderings.

Before we reach the top of the bill, our resident film archivist will be inducing warm bouts of nostalgia with some projectile rays of footballing and musical heritage. This is an experimental experimentation with a controversial new form of media that looks like television, but isn’t really ‘cos it comes through a projectorcomputer, so don’t worry kids. Live acts, enthusiastically scouted and head-locked in to performing by the CYCM oddies, will always be a staple of the Malcolmses diet, but we’re nothing if not open to suggestive new ideas. Like DJs digging out and publicly exposing innocent audiences to their vinyl obscurities, we reckon FC supporters have huge untapped collections of valuable films, documentaries, tv programmes and home movies that have been waiting years for an appreciative audience, a big white screen, and a bunch of ageing technical geniuses struggling to plug things in.

With it being Easter Monday, Droylsden’s favourite bakery is closed (he might be risen, but their dough isn’t), so they can’t provide the usual tater ash, cheese & onion pies or wimberry charlottes. Volunteers will therefore be working extra hard over the weekend to produce a panoply of dishes to try to bridge the inevitable hunger gap. This may still prove a bridge too far knowing the Malcolmses clientele, so the advice is to get in early if you want to grab some of the deliciously diverse food on offer.

For vegetarians, there will be Jumbo hot dogs – that’s jumbo-sized, not a worrying escalation of the horse jumbo hot dogDNA scandal – alongside veggie pizza and Bulgarian veg hot pot. It is hoped the hot pot will still be hot after its journey to Bury, which doesn’t start in the Balkans but nevertheless must negotiate a south-to-north Manchester post-Thatcher bus swap between competing franchises. So if it’s cold, you’ll know who to blame. As we have an inclusive policy on minorities, meat-eaters will also be catered for. This dish will actually be cooked in another country, though as food isn’t subject to the rule that meant United had to sleep in Wales the night before playing Wrexham, this Chicken Stew from the Bay will be arriving just in time to satisfy the carnivorous hordes. For cake fans, as well as the rapidly wimberry-trumping Victoria Sponge, a special bay-baked chocolate Easter cake will also bolster the sweet-toothed offerings.

Bottled beer of course, as well as soft drinks, tea, coffee and hot chocolate will all be on offer as usual, and the now familiar rules apply – members-only, non-members can be signed in as a guest, doors open around 12…


  • JAY says:

    I’m an omnivore not a carnivore. I eat other things besides meat. (I’m also a bit pedantic).
    What is max seating capacity if I want to bring wife to these salubious surroundings? People downstairs keep counting heads as if 63 are having sit down 3 courses with wine & not football fans wanting a beer or 12 with some tater ‘ash.

    • Talkative says:

      Not sure what the capacity is kept at now. It fills earlier on some days than others, so hard to judge – just as early as you can is the only advice possible really.

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