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Dog turd steam in February

Submitted by on February 8, 2010 – 10:01 pmNo Comment

Some shapes dog turd steam does in February…

1 – Wispy. Errol Flynn moustache’ly so. Especially when he was playing a pirate. Which he often did.

2 – Red Indian smoke from the top of a hill in the distance in the desert that really would be too hotter weather for a fire. And don’t forget these Native American Indians didn’t do much in the way of clothes so it was really hot on their bare skin, especially the ones that were resisting the modernisation that was moleskin trousers by still wearing only that ‘flap-for-the-front-and-back-and-that’s-it’ fashion of their forefathers. By the time they have found some flint, straw, twigs, wood, and negotiated the release of an old blanket that little Miss Dances-with-West Brom didn’t mind you getting a bit burnt, you could have walked across to the next hill and told your mate all he needed to know. But we’ll let them off as they’d probably had a long night pow-wow’ing and couldn’t be arsed walking. That hand-over-the-mouth woo wooing is a bit draining as well. They also had poor reception around there. All this means that the smoke from the fire they eventually built sort of comes up in little billows. That obviously depends on what they’re saying. If they were just letting on to each other they’d only be little billows. If they were discussing testicular cancer it might be more of an intense billowing. The billowing from the dog turd steam would be indicative of the steam from the heart of the chunky turd escaping, in little pockets, through a ‘veg hole’ as someone had fed the dog with one of those big cans of Troy dog food from Aldi. They put peas with the rabbit for instance.

3 – The woman from the beginning of ‘Tales of the unexpected’ programme dance.

4 – Duran Duran entering the stage to ‘This is planet earth, perpla pla, pla, perpla, pla, pla, pla’. They’d be wearing silver jump suits. And at least one would have a silver headband on. Probably the one with the haircut. But that doesn’t really say owt as they all had haircuts of similar standards.

5 – Embassy number six.

6 – Dog turd steam is the dog turd steam equivalent of damp on your parlour back wall. It can only rise to three feet then gravity pulls it down. There is no recorded evidence of anyone getting out their measurer and seeing it pass two foot. Labrapoodle shite has of course never been included in any empirical evidence so far gathered. I know it’s labradoodle but they can fuck off.

7 – Cheesy. Like Sunday morning.

8 – The shape steam does when it comes out of your ears when you’ve gone beyond jolly cross and you’re borderline hopping mad. I know this is more than the usual sevens that seems to predominate in this publication but no one has ever said dog turd steam documenting was going to be easy. Putting your tape measure as close as possible to the highest point of the turd whilst you attempt to measure the correct height of the steam proves that. One touch of the turd with the bottom of your tape measure will mean you will get hot biz in that little rivet at the end of the metally turn up bit at the end of your tape measure. It never comes out. The miniature little rim of the miniature little rivet will always have trace. This is surprisingly more common than is generally accepted. People don’t like that. Except for dog lovers who don’t really mind it as they’re used to shit. Having said that, those same dog lovers are the same people who are loathe to have the correct height of the steam documented, preferring instead that it remains mystically untamed. For no man shall know my name.

9 – Dog turd steam in February shape. Except for little yappy, Colwyn Bay dogs with their Colwyn Bay’y, JFK’y, Gary Bear’y ways. They’re not dogs. The fact that you never saw any of them even get in a Joe Royle ‘JFKs of War’ reserve side is all the argument that is necessary for that one. They shit tanners. And that doesn’t count. It’s disrespectful to tanners for one thing. And for fuck sake they were disrespected enough when the five pence piece came out.

Four footnote. Do not attempt to approximate the height of steam from a fresh dog turd in February if you are passing by it on a bus as the dog is in full wobbly-leg-thrutch as this will just lead you to exaggerating the height. You won’t mean to but you just will. Even more so if you’re upstairs. Or you’re in an exaggerating mood.

o This article was contained within the pages of the second ever AFL:SPG. It took its place alongside witterings from proper journalist Stuart Brennan, former Word presenter Terry Christian, FSA head Mark Longden, some Norwegian bloke and a radge from Mudhuts Media among many others.
It’s still available to buy now for £2 at FC United of Manchester home games at Gigg Lane, Bury. Next issue will be out before the end of the season. For more details or to contribute, email: content@afinelung.com
Please don’t nick this article. It will make your hands smell.

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