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Bakerie

Submitted by on December 26, 2012 – 7:28 pmNo Comment

tea clampBakerie may well be able to bake bread but they can’t make tea. Putting a tea bag inside a nipple clamp tea strainer is not the best way to brew tea. There are several things wrong with this method of making tea, one, it’s wrong. Two, the tea can’t brew because the tea bag is being squashed by the nipple clamps. Three, what flavour that is forthcoming can barely seep through the tiny mesh of the tea strainer. Four, stirring your tea with a nipple clamp is not very appetising. Five, the nipple clamp tea strainer is designed for loose leaf tea, not tea bags. The award givers obviously overlooked this crucial point. But given the calibre of awardists employed by the Manchester Food and Drink Festival we can expect no better.

Once the tea bag had been released from its prison we had the ingredients for a nice cup of tea.

The problem now became what do we do with the nipple clamp tea bag holder. A spring-loaded device that is able to crush sensitive parts of the human body becomes a conspicuous item that just has to be played with. So rather than sitting discerning the finer qualities of Chartist organisation, we began to use the nipple clamp tea bag holder to pulverise various sensitive parts of our body. Nose first, indubitably, then ear lobes, fingers, toes, tongue, lips, folds of skin and penis.

Exposing one’s penis in a restaurant, no matter how trendy, is not going to create a good impression. People sitting eating in restaurants just don’t want to see and hear a penis being triturated. It has the effect of making one want to vomit and that is definitely not welcome in an eating establishment.Nipple Clamps

A waiter and a big bloke from the kitchen came over and asked us to put the crushed penis back in its tent. However, this is easier said than done once your penis is ballooning out of proportion. The nipple clamp tea bag holder was still attached to the ever-reddening and swelling penis. The removal of the device was made much more difficult by the person attached to the penis jumping up and down, hopping about, waving their arms about and screaming blue murder. As the nipple clamp tea bag holder came swinging round hanging onto the tip of the penis, we tried to catch hold of it to pull it off. But this just seemed to aggravate the situation, with the person having the nipple clamp tea bag holder gripping onto them becoming violent as well as increasingly unpredictable in their movements.

NippleClampWebFinally, the bloke from the kitchen managed to grapple the nipple clamped person to the ground and the nipple clamp tea bag holder was painfully removed. The penis had now become so engorged that it refused to re-enter the trouser area. While nipple clamped penis person was lying on the floor rolling around in agony an almighty row ensued. The big kitchen bloke grabbed my friend by the neck and proceeded to shout that the nipple clamp tea bag holder had never been a problem before but did admit that putting a swollen penis back into the trousers is onerous.

The improper use of tea-making equipment has a very damaging and long lasting impact on people and business. I blame totally Bakerie, for their cheapskate approach to the brewing of the glorious beverage for the harm and kerfuffle caused by the nipple clamp tea bag holder incident. I refused to pay for the cup of tea on principle. I wasn’t able to drink the tea because the person who had had his penis clamped had in his fit of uncontrolled pain knocked, inadvertently, my cup of tea to the ground. No tea no pay.

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