That Brady was a right twat
So I woke up this morning, a lazy Saturday morning with no particular reason to get up early, fancy a brew honey bunny, yes sweetie pie she replied.
Downstairs straight onto the laptop check the forum then the front pages of the newspapers online, that Brady was a right twat.
Here you are honey bunny thanks sweetie she says, what’s happening in the world?, Fergie says Van Persie is the new Cantona, humph she says and that Brady is a right twat! I know she says.
Amorousness takes over and a few minutes later we are sipping our tea and saying that was great, come on let’s get going we have things to do, she races downstairs and I look to put something on, I’m well minging, no point putting on a fresh pair of undies till I have had a shower I think, old undies are in the bathroom, sod it I’ll put her knickers on for a minute till I’m sorted out.
We’re moving house at the moment and proper busy, things progress and we start filling the car up because fortunately we are moving to our new gaff gradually sort of piece by piece and carload by carload until the only things left is the big stuff.
Three or four trips back and forth to the new gaff I’m driving down this single lane country road and clock five stray cones by the side of the road. I consider the fact that they could be useful on moving day to preserve a space outside my house so that nobody could park there because the cones would be sort of there on official business.
I stop and open my boot and chuck two large cones in the boot, as I do a car coming down the hill has to stop because I am in the road and he cannot pass, I quickly close my boot and I am ridden with guilt.
Jesus I could get locked up for thieving two cones here, what have I done?, I drive off, he is behind me, in my mirror I can just see him if I glance past the two protruding tips of the cones.
He eventually turns off and I near home planning to drive past if the cops are waiting outside the front door, no one there, I’m safe for a minute, I dive indoors and think right, be logical, all you were doing was borrowing the cones, you were going to take them back as soon as you had finished with them, I know a bit about the law, no intent to steal there, they could never prove I was going to nick them forever, after all what can you do with cones once they have served a purpose?
Shit I am going to take them back, jump back in the car and drive back up the hill and pull up, no crime scene here, no point waiting, I jump out and sling the cones back to the side of the road and race off at breakneck speed.
So if I get arrested and they search my gaff no cones, but I will get arrested on suss of nicking the cones anyway, better ring the girlfriend and tell her to expect a call from the nick.
Hi listen, I nicked two cones but I’ve put them back but some guy saw me take them so I might get arrested, just giving you some advance warning, shit I have still got your knickers on.
What if they do a strip search and ask me to drop my kecks?, listen I have to go I have to get your knickers off and put some undies on just in case they turn up.
It’s been nearly 12 hours now and the cops haven’t been to arrest me, my story is cast iron now and I have fresh undies on, rip my kecks off if you want I ain’t saying nothing.