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Submitted by on August 26, 2012 – 10:48 amNo Comment

Big rubber foam hands have become essential, like drinking water from a plastic bottle with one of those sports tops that lets you reseal the top. Now I can see the usefulness of a resealable water bottle and the usefulness of drinking water regularly. But giant foam hands? There was a time when you drank water when you got home and you drank it from a glass or stuck your head under the tap and gulped it down, water running down your neck and your mum saying you’re gonna get all wet and she was right. There is no need for such undignified behaviour from our young people because they have the advantage of plastic resealable water bottles. They can stay hydrated with impunity. All the living in a pram shed with sixty other people sharing a teacup for a toilet so that society could advance to the point were water can be drunk anywhere anytime. Dehydration is a thing of the past, wrinkled, dried-out sultana skin is a thing for old bastards. The young save a fortune on skin care so they can spend more on drink, drugs and apps. How wonderfully diverse capitalism is.

Whereas giant rubber foam hands, I didn’t see that coming. You went to Blackpool and some knob would have one on his hand waving it around, I was never quite sure why but I assume it gave him some kudos with his mates. Big hand man. Then they crept into football, like all that is tacky and tasteless, it finds a home in the premiership. But like stupid hats, giant foam rubber hands had their place amongst the buffoons and drum carriers and human england flag-posts. However, giant rubber foam hands have come of age. They are an indispensable piece of safety equipment with many a national and international company.

While in London not long ago I emerged from a train to find a London Transport employee, in the interests of accuracy, London Transport is now called Transport for London, makes the journey much more pleasant and the employee I refer to could have been an installation artist playing the part of a Transport for London employee, but then there must be lots of them at it because they are all over the tube and the over-ground.

The point is these blokes are given giant foam hands to wear, with a finger that they can point at things, the foam hand has ‘next train’ written on it. These hectors are pointing at a train to inform passengers where the train is. Now call me stupid but if I’m on a platform in a train station I have a fairly good idea where the train is going to stop. I might not know what train is going to stop or where it is going but a train as a rule tends to stop at the train or tube station. But this concept is so alien to some people that London Transport employ people to stand on the train station platform and point with a big giant rubber foam finger at the train.

Why stop there?, should we not have people with giant foam fingers pointing at shops and lampposts and dog shit and buses? London Transport were not the only people to employ this genius scheme, the olympic volunteers also had giant finger pointers. They pointed at the olympic stadium. Lucky they did otherwise thousands of people would have missed the stadium completely and filed into the north american flower meadow never to be seen again.

We are having them at FC, foam rubber finger pointers, pointing at Gigg Lane. Andy will be announcing it this week. 

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