The ‘pics opening ceremony – LIVE!
We relive the amazing opening to London 2012. Every other media outlet does live updates, but we’re a bit shit so this one was done from the scrawled notes of our various correspondents who were watching it at home on the TV with a few cans… So let’s see how your £27m was spent:
We all know the ‘pics started early for us in the provinces. We had some football or other here in Manchester on Thursday evening. A load of Rangers fans turned up and kicked off a bit in town. Some things never change. Oh, Giggs’ team drew 1-1 at Old Trafford and the Glazers thanked everyone for giving them a few extra bob.
We’re off and some weird wizard of oz shit is going on. The commentary team made up of legendary Olympians Hazel Irving, Huw Edwards and DJ Trev Nelson off the radio, have revealed that this is meant to be some representation of Britain’s achievements through the ages.
Makes you so proud to be British all this – wonder when they are gonna bring out a depiction of the slave trade or show aborigines and Irish people being driven from their lands. Or innocent civilians in the middle east being bombed out of house, home and life for nothing really.
Wow, they have included the Suffragettes. How lucky are we? No similar celebration of the birth of the trade union movement though. Strange that…
We get our first ‘Queen’ action when the tight get leaves James Bond waiting. First time a lady has treated him like that eh, eh, lads! We all hope the chopper makes it to the stadium safely and there is no disaster.
Eh up, there’s Winston Churchill’s statue and it is moving. Rumours that it is directing the army to go and fire on striking border workers are thought to be false.
It’s the armed forces. Whoop! Heroes the lot of them. They must have been allowed a 10 minute break from searching people outside the stadium to carry the flag.
And now we have the national dirge playing. Embarrassing ourselves on the international stage again. The Queen likes it though. Would you like a song sung by 80,000 about you?
MadLes tweets in with ‘Will they be allowing the Bhopal disaster campaign the chance to put across their views about Dow’s involvement in the games?’
Don’t hold your breath Les.
Ooh look it’s a load of nurses dancing. Remember when we had an NHS? Is there going to be a minutes silence for that too?
Apparently they used real nurses for this and they did 70 hours of rehearsing. A normal working week for them then.
We can only guess that all the kids in hospital beds is supposed to represent a sick nation and all the weird witch type things running about is the Tory party. Is that giant witch Thatcher? Hope it is. Oh, Hazel off the beeb says it is meant to be Mary Poppins. Maybe it is a case of ‘take your medicine’ and we can all get the economy back making money for us again. Together. As it now says in the seats.
Now we’ve got that Chariots of Fire song on, so we can all celebrate a load of toffs running a mile fast ages ago.
It’s Mr Bean. Mr fucking Bean. Not Sean. Mr. If there was a disaster now, would it technically be ‘a disaster’?
Oh look a good old fashioned British car – the Mini. Oh, sorry we must have forgotten that the Germans make them now since Thatcher decimated our manufacturing industry.
We’ve got a musical montage now. We have to presume Bowie is included as he famously said he wanted to be the first fascist dictator of Britain. He was beaten to that in 1979.
The Sex Pistols get an airing, how controversial. But don’t worry they playing the extremely apt ‘Pretty Vacant’ not ‘God Save the Queen’… Again, strange that…
Our very own New Order get a couple of bars before Frankie Goes to Hollywood sing about gay sex, much to the complete ignorance of most of those present I would have thought.
If you were concentrating you may have just heard the opening bars of Step On, as covered by Salford’s Happy Mondays. It was ultimately cut short in favour of Annie Fucking Lennox…
The ICF make an appearance. Facking el gavnor. This must be one of the surprises Boyle was warning us about. Grant Cass and Bill Gardener lead the stadium in singing about Blowing Bubbles.
What is next Danny Dyer? You heard it here first, Dyer to light the Olympic fame.
Or Ray Winstone.
Or the two baldies off Eastenders.
Or Babs Windsor and Shane Ritchie
Speaking of the flame, its Becks!!! He’s driving a speedboat!!! Down the Thames!!! With the flame!!! Look at his stupid fucking face…
Looks like another minutes silence for something.
The teams are coming out. About three hours after this fucking things started we get to see the competitors.
Afghanistan’s flag is being carried by Vernon Kaye!!! Come on slor corch… What a traitor to our lads. It is him isn’t it?
Hazel has just said that you can watch this ceremony in 3D. Even that impressive technology would fail to make this boring shit even slightly interesting. DJ Trevor suggests dropping acid instead… at least I think he did.
The Rwandan flag carrier looks like the majority of us feel.
Despite living less than two miles from the BBC’s new HQ, my telly signal is breaking up. Hopefully it will sort itself out to see who lights the flame. Dyer, Babs, The Krays, Racist Daley or even Seb Coe himself. Who will it be? Don’t let Osborne near it, he will put it out.
Signal is back and it appears this marathon of boredom is still enduring. Team GB are out last. That man Bowie is providing the soundtrack. By the look of their tracksuits, one can only presume the kit designer Stella McCartney took DJ Trevor’s advice.
Arctic Monkeys. Dressed as American rockabillies. It this an ode to late 1950s Britain?
Acrtics play The Beatles. Surely Macca has got to make an appearance in a bit? Let’s hope he has been sharing some of his daughter’s acid. Will make things interesting…
Instead of Macca we get the odious Tory sycophant ‘Lord’ Coe bumming himself. Does that rule him out of lighting the flame?
Some old get chunnering now. Will someone just hurry up and light the bastard? (the flame not the old get).
The Sponger declares the games open and seems as bored as the rest of us. Light the fucking thing for fucks sake.
It’s Becks again!!! On the boat!!! With the same stupid face!!! And he passes the torch to… IT’S SIR STEVE!!! SIR FUCKING STEVE!!! WHAT DRAMA!!!
A twist in the tale!!! The drama continues!!! Sir Steve ‘passes the torch’ to a load of kids selected for unknown reasons. Now can we all go to fucking bed?
It’s Macca at last… And he is murdering Hey Jude. Is that the sun I can see rising? Zzzzzzzz…..