Headline

Featured

Football

Music

Magazine

Home » Featured, Headline

Special Measures

Submitted by on July 7, 2012 – 10:43 am2 Comments

Tory cu*ts

Britain needs radical spending cuts. The last government got things so wrong that we are broke and will be forever more. We can’t afford the basics, health, pensions, houses that people can afford. There is only room for profit. Profit does not include rights for workers; you must be flexible, we’ll employ you if we need you, we’ll sack you when we don’t, no offence meant it’s just nothing will work otherwise, you understand right?

We need special measures, a radical rethink; we need to save money to get Britain back in profit, to grow. We’ll not give back the employment rights, we’ll not build any houses or invest in schools, jobs with a future, universities, education, young people, and we won’t implement pension plans that allow people to live out a dignified end to life. If you can’t profit and survive that’s your fault, we didn’t need help to profit, we need less support to allow people to develop themselves, all regulation and government does is stifle, the evidence is plain, look at bankers. The iPad wasn’t invented by a civil servant or social worker was it? We need profit. It’s best for us all, you’ll see.

This is how we propose to do it:

Abolition of the Green Cross Code

Kids are expensive. We have to school them, find jobs for them, house them when they leave home and then pay for their healthcare up to death, not to mention the pensions. The only solution is to take drastic measures to reduce this unaffordable burden on the state. We propose the abolition of the Green Cross Code. It’s an outdated concept, “Stop, Look, Listen”.  Who has time to “Stop” these days, never mind “looking” or “listening”? We should be teaching our children to do, to be daring to be entrepreneurial! This means taking risks. Crossing the road is relatively risk free. Should a few school age children happen to be run over there may be an immediate rise in costs for emergency treatment, some counselling & psychotherapy for the drivers, but in the long term the country will benefit as less youngsters require  housing, education and work. We are facing a pension’s crisis, there is no time to “Stop, Look and Listen”, lowering the burden on the state is crucial and anyone who argues is unrealistic and probably a communist.

Three Strikes and You’re Out

We’ve done this with crime, in the main for crimes committed by poor people who lead desperate lives rather than those nice white collar criminals we play polo with, but think this can have positive effects on the healthcare system too. What we propose is to limit anyone to three ailments. The NHS cannot bear the burden of illness, neither can British business, the loss of man hours in the workplace deprives us of productivity and profit. We will allow any one individual three illnesses. After that an employer can dismiss you, you will not receive benefits as you have placed a burden enough on the state and you will have to live in an official government “Rehabilitation Centre” where you will be nursed by operatives from a private security contractor who will have an NVQ in “Caring for the feckless”. This will give business the scope to flourish free from the constraints the infirm bring. It will free up services in the NHS and provide investment opportunities for the caring industry to flourish.

Sunny Weather Bonus

We value the British worker and their willingness to accept any changes placidly and their limitless ability to turn on each other and be easily divided into groups based on income, ethnicity, age whilst ignoring the wealth of the tiny minority of the population that decides policy. We feel there needs to be a carrot as well as a stick to turn the country around and get us back into profit and growth. Tax is an important issue. One oligarch, even with dubious offshore tax arrangements, will contribute more to our economy than one hundred jobseekers. However, we appreciate that people like sunshine. It is the main preoccupation of most working people for the majority of their lives. “Why don’t we have the sun shine” they say, complaining day after day that the weather they’ve experienced for the entirety of their existence is not akin to the Tuscan or Andalucían climate.  For this reason we are going to allow people to exchange their country of residence with that of a wealthy employee from within the financial services sector at a ratio of 100:1. This will be a Public Private Initiative (PPI) ran in cooperation with international business. Instead of outsourcing jobs we will give people what they want. A warm climate in Africa, South Asia or perhaps Burma to enjoy the weather they crave and long term, sustainable employment opportunities that we can’t provide in the UK. Obviously, they’ll be managing the foreigners so as to maintain their innate sense of superiority but we will have to ensure salaries are competitive within the labour market British workers are placed. But, they’ll have sunshine and we expect this to be a popular initiative. Britain needs to compete with the poor, exploited Labour forces of the world in order to profit, it makes sense, you must agree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 Comments »

  • LesBagg says:

    The most alarming thing about the recent Josiah Bounderby type advice given to the government by the modern day mill owner is that not one member of that government dismissed it as ridiculous and the next, short step up from slavery!
    You know the score with that one, sack the lot of us and bring everyone back on minimum wage. The rulebooks and ways of working totally rewritten, health and safety abolished (I know there are some daft rules but in the workplace they protect you from mamangement bully boy tactics)….. “sign here or sign on”
    Hells banging bells that fella was fuelling every trust fund Tory’s wildest, wettest dreams!
    Over the last two decades the company I work for has gone from being “The Family” (and that is no joke, that’s how we, the employees saw ourselves)to a vicious, nasty firm, with vicious and nasty people running it. They make more profit than they’ve ever done yet still need to squeeze the workforce until their very pips squeak.
    Personell are now “Human Resources” what a fucking horrible way to refer to people who work for you! Ironic really that a new term that uses the word actually DE-humanises it all.
    Management and middle management go on courses and come back fucking brainwashed, speaking the most horrnedous jargon and chanting a mantra about people being lucky to even have a job, never mind asking for things like bonuses to reflect record profits.
    This is what Thatcher meant by “Victorian Values” the values that saw those lucky enough to be born into the upper echelons having everything, and the rest of us having absolutely nowt!

  • Talkative says:

    enjoyed reading that – well not enjoyed exactly, as it points accurately (like the best satire) to what’s really going on. in almost every workplace all the power is with the profit-makers, and management are paid to convince us that it’s only reasonable to steadily or abruptly give up all the labour rights that so many fought for so long to put in place (and all the capitalist classes fought to try to prevent).

    i’ve been completing a lot of job applications lately, and reading the conditions is truly depressing – you’re so lucky to even be given the privilege of applying for paid work, that you should be grateful to be spat upon as we tell you we don’t want you. In fact, we won’t even tell you if you’re not successful, why the fuck should we bother, your labour is ten-a-penny (human resources, as LesBagg says).

    it’s about time people took a stand against employers and let em know it’s a two-way exchange and they’re getting a good deal if we give them some of our precious time and skills in exchange for a fraction of what we produce for em. it’s like the capitalists are seeing how far they can go, what they can get us to accept, so i’d like to think we have it in us to make em regret pushing their luck.

Leave a comment!

You must be logged in to post a comment.