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Internal memorandum

Submitted by on March 25, 2012 – 8:18 pmOne Comment

Comrades,

It has dawned on me that wiping your arse whilst wearing a dress or skirt must be much harder than if you are wearing pants. This revelation came to me when, having emerged from bed early having a need for tea, I was overcome with the desire to crap. Dressed in only a dressing gown, because I was not inclined to put on my working togs just yet, and completing the crapping, I then had to struggle with the aforementioned dressing gown – holding it with one hand while wiping with the other. This was not an easy task, as our comrades who wear dresses and suchlike will surely testify. Those of us who wear pants while defecating have a much easier time, pants are on the floor out of the way, both hands free to wipe and wave around as necessary.

I cannot readily see an easy solution to this inequality, the collectivisation of arse-wiping would be open to much abuse and impracticability. Although the problem only arises with baggy loose-fitting dresses and skirts, tight ones will cling to the body and therefore be clear of obstructing the wiping action. As I have found to my detriment, dressing gowns have the same problem. I am not too concerned about the arse-wiping dilemma with regards to the wearing of dressing gowns as this was a lifestyle choice based on laziness. If I had been wearing my get-on-with-the-day jeans, this conundrum would not have occurred and I would not be vexed with the problem of the inequality of arse-wiping and how to overcome such.

Vikings, when they weren’t destroying stuff, did their bit of shitting. They would slaughter a sheep, use the wool and throw the rest in a stew. Although the Vikings used sheep to wipe their arse they still had the problem of gender specific bottom-wiping, as it appears that clothing was also very much gender-based. ‘The medieval Icelandic law-book Grágás prohibits women from wearing men’s clothes’. And from the pictures they took at the time it appears that women wore long baggy arse-wiping-obstructing clothing.

Ancient Romans used to wipe their backside with a sponge on a stick, which they put in a bucket of saltwater after they were done for reuse. I don’t know, I’m all for recycling but recycling arse-wiping material is a recycle too far for me. Although the stick idea may overcome some of the problems associated with the long baggy loose-fitting clothing impasse.

Any post-revolutionary transitional workers’ state may want to consider arse-wiping paraphernalia that is fashioned on the ancient Roman design. Although one would never want to presume the creative nature of the revolutionary class.

Sailors used frayed rope ends from sails and anchor lines, hoisting up the John B sail takes on a whole new meaning now. The Greeks used smooth rocks and stones. Native Americans used corncobs and the French were known to use hemp, that seems a bit of a waste, no pun intended. However, it’s not the method but the clothing that is the issue. Not wanting to curtail the individual’s clothing preference, one can wear whatever they want whenever they want. The quandary remains that there is an inequality in arse-wiping with regards to attire.

What is to be done? The post-revolutionary transitional workers’ state may have to live with this thorn of injustice. I suggest an arse-wiping monitoring subcommittee be set up answerable to a transitional inequality scrutiny board, to take soundings and evaluate its impact on the movement towards a truly communist stateless society.

One Comment »

  • Little John says:

    Arse wiping has also become a green issue in recent years and I don’t like the choices were seeing. I find most toilet brushes round at my posh mates houses much to harsh and leave you with a sore bum, and don’t get me started on having to use recycled toilet paper.

    But I was sorry to see the demise of the exellent Germain campaign to get men to sit down to piss in solidarity with women. We tried it in our house and now the toilet mat doesn’t stink at all.

    Anyway here’s the great campaign song by the excessively outputful Dave Rovics

    http://www.musictory.fr/musique/David+Rovics/Sit+Down+to+Piss

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