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Leaked budget papers reveal plans to end poverty

Submitted by on March 19, 2012 – 9:44 amNo Comment

AFL has once again plundered the depths of journalism, using phone hacking, torture, wholesale thievery and blatant lies to exclusively reveal that the Chancellor will use Wednesday’s budget to announce that all poor people may be shot.

The government, bored with the timescales involved with their less-extreme policies, such as abolishing the public sector, removing the fairer parts of the welfare state in aid of boosting the coffers of their rich voters and privatising every single thing they possibly can to ensure we even pay for being sick, will announce a new lottery, with only those earning above £40,000pa allowed to play for the right to shoot all poor people during a mass ceremony a month before the Olympic games starts.

Arch Tory Seb Cunt OBE MBE CBE BCSE will draw the winning ticket. The policy will have the added bonus of ridding the streets of the undesirables that may spoil the view of those visiting for the prestigious games this summer.

It is understood the move will be heralded as ‘genius’ by the majority of news outlets in the country, including The Sun, despite the fact most of their readers could be in line to be executed under the proposals. They are even rumoured to be resurrecting their infamous ‘Gotcha!’ headline.

The Chancellor had already been expected to bring in several punishments for poor people in this week’s budget, including a drop in salaries for public sector workers in poorer areas to make up for the abolition of the 50p tax rate, but the Tories believe that policy will take too long to take effect, with many poor people managing to survive through crime and begging.

The shoot-out lottery will prevent such survival possibilities and will therefore be a fast-track to social justice.

The source who leaked the information to AFL, while we clamped electric cables to his balls and ‘water-boarded’ him, said: “We are fed up of these leeches on our society. Businessmen are unable to relax while on the golf course, due to concerns over the laziness and uselessness of the scrotes who work for them while they are getting over-paid on the Labour–inflicted minimum wage.

“Furthermore, you can’t walk from your limo to the door of your favourite men’s club without seeing some horrible bastard begging these days. And why should we have to pay any taxes when we are making the country all this money? Just for these asylum seekers to sit in their publicly-funded mansions with eight plasma TVs each?

“The only option is to kill them off and the money saved by the government can be passed on in allowing the abolition of all taxes on profits and hopefully we will be able to fund a new war over the Falklands in time for the next election. The country really would be better off without these scumbags.”

- this article is obviously a satirical spoof and any similarities with reality are entirely coincidental and accidental…

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