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Chadderton Evening Chronicle exclusive – why we hate community club

Submitted by on January 20, 2012 – 11:28 am2 Comments

Flying in the face of popular revulsion, our team of crack (addicted) reporters hacked the phone of none other than the Chadderton Evening Chronicle editor.

We were able to pick up a voicemail of her reading out tomorrow’s editorial to a copy typist in a Leeds call centre, and we are pleased to reveal the details in full.

It appears the newspaper’s active campaign against the evils of community ownership and the disgrace that is 3,000 football fans ONLY raising £1.4m towards improving an area in need, will once again form part of her piece in tomorrow’s Evening Chronicle.

Here is a transcription (please forgive us for any mistakes as we suffered difficulties in translating her outpourings into mancunian from the editor’s native yonner tongue)…

Happen (that’s spelt H-A-P-P-E-N) there hath been a reet storm brewing as our paper’s EXCLUSIVE about a council meeting’s findings, the agenda for which had been online for over a week, hit th’cobbles yesterday.

The out-of-towners from Manchester who wish to build a behemoth of a football stadium on a kiddies’ playground in Moston, near Oldham, are reet hacked off that we pointed out their failings in only raising a paltry £1.4m towards said project.

Happen they may need t’council to bail them out if they don’t raise the total funding. They may yet raise it, but that’s not t’point is it? Short sighted Labour council giving a load of wannabe commies another handout sure as hell wound up t’locals in Boston, near England.

All 12 of the campaign group ‘No Munichs in Moston’ were interviewed by our ace reporter Tango Man, who I have had words with in t’past cos I felt he was going soft on ‘um, and unsurprisingly they slammed the council for their communist-inspired stitch up. What a kipper in t’face for the locals that their council wants them to have a new community owned facility in their area to benefit them all.

I’m with Dave Cameron (I can call him that since he popped in to our office in Chadderton, near Manchester, and complimented my tights) – councils deserve no money and any project to help their residents shouldn’t be funded. Workshy public sector workers.

It is the perfect storm fer’us. These anti-debt pinkoes might end up in debt. The irony – we all know about that word here as I regularly hold lessons on it – is not lost on us lot in Chaddy office.

One of my reporters voiced concerns about our coverage, accusing me of overseeing the complete rewrite of stories, and I had to laugh – what do you think this is, a local paper that should champion local success stories? Ha. You need a new job love, maybe try moving to Cuba and working with like-minded loony lefties.

Some of the unwashed behind the Moston plans have told us we got our facts completely wrong, but I had to laugh again. So what? We wanted a good story to sell some of our papers in that there Manchester so sod the facts you bunch of idealists.

What they wanna do is wake up and have a change of approach. What they need is to sell t’club to the arabs like our paper’s favourite team has done. That is what ownership and football and all that should be about. That is a success story from when t’council had a bloody clue before they swung to the left in a tantrum after Labour lost out to Dave’s lot.

Plus that other club puts loads of money in Chaddy Chron’s pockets so they deserve our support and that of t’local community. Because we said so.

In conclusion I would like to say how chuffed I am with our newsdesk team for butchering a straight story and creating this wonderful so-called storm. It shows my policy of not employing anyone from that horrible grotty city on our doorstep is paying off and my backside has never been cleaner. Enjoy today’s issue, especially the pullout on the mighty Blues’ Moral Cup victory over Stretford Munichs.

Your’s

Inbreditor in chief

The above is poorly fictional. Any similarities to reality are entirely co-incidental…etc

2 Comments »

  • e.northey@gmail.com says:

    Hilarious!Even the bits I didn’t understand – the geographical internecine warfare bits – were hilarious. Great.

  • Elsie says:

    I spontaneously combusted on the bus this morning on reading the phrase ‘fans have only raised £1.4million’.
    The article is above one about trams breaking down. It says ‘The MEN saw the delayed trams going along Mosely Street’. That’s a ruddy big telescope they’ve got in Chadderton (though not big enough to read the street sign to spell it right).

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