Father Christmas, the snidey bastard, he shafted us all this festive season by not delivering the perfect gift in the form of Course You Can Malcolm over the Crimbo hols.
Not to worry though, because once all the Yuletide shenanigans were out of the way, back it triumphantly rode into our lives, atop a steed that whiffed of tater hash and beer. And sweat (it appears Bury are taking a devil may care attitude to their heating bill, judging by how hot it was. The flash gets).
For those who were there, not only did they get the chance to escape the harsh realities of life with the usual wacky fun and games, but they also got the chance to see a niftier than nifty band who go by the name of ‘The Slow Readers Club’, another wonderful musical gift Manchester has freely given to the world. We grabbed them in a non-threatening, non-physical sort of way after their set to discuss the red hot burning issues of the day. Though we still don’t know who their top tip to win Celebrity Big Brother is.
Q. You played Course You Can Malcolm this Saturday. How was it?
Quality. The crowd gave us a warm welcome, they were all keen to listen and we sold a decent amount of CDs, so hopefully that means people liked the stuff.
Q. Where does the name come from? Is it because some of you are related to Edi Reader?
Unfortunately we’re not related to Edi Reader. We just can’t read quickly.
Q. What do you think of FC United of Manchester?
We’ve got nothing but respect for the club. You had nothing a few years back and now there’s a full blown proper football club with fans, stadium plans and all that. We don’t actively follow the club but with us all being United fans, we are always aware of what’s going on here and it’s quality.
Q. If you were blues do you think you would have called yourself the ‘greatest, fastest, immensest readers’?
No. If we were blues the band wouldn’t exist because we’d be too busy trying to get out of Blackburn from the time when 2million of us were on the big hill outside Ewood Park.
Q. How do you think Manchester’s doing music-wise at the moment?
Manchester is a bit bobbins at the moment. We don’t mean that the bands aren’t good, it’s just that there’s no decent scene anymore. You used to be able to do gigs at loads of different nights and the number of nights seems to be dropping. CYCM is where it’s at…
Q. When you see the big painted sign on the road saying ‘slow’ at junctions, are you ever tempted to jump out of your motor car and latch a bit on?
Do people call cars “motor cars?” Anyway, we don’t do motorways, just A roads and canals.
Q. Did you burn your mouth on the tater hash?
No. It was just right. Isobel did a great job with it.
Q. Have you ever jibbed into a United game?
Yep. The Champions League final being the most recent one. Quality jib.
Q. As a percentage, how many of you are circumcised?
25% of the band members, which equates to about 10% of our cumulative foreskin.
Q. If you had to lose an ear, which one would it be? And why, obviously….
Pardon? What? Sorry? Say again..
Q. When was the last time you saw someone sken-eyed? And have you heard the saying ‘skens like a basket of whelks’?
We only speak English mate…
Q. Have you ever done a sneeze that smelt like sandpaper/the inside of a leather bag?
No. Well… not in the past two months.
Q. Who’s got the fittest Mam?
None of us. They all have faces like stuntmen’s knees.
Q. Of all the radiator types, which one is your favourite?
You can’t beat a bay window shaped double Rad with integrated TRVs. Quality.
Q. If you had to, to save the reputation of the band, would you use a dried dog’s lipstick as a plectrum?
Have you been looking at our gear??
Q. There’s a section of Mancunians that call umbrellas ‘nellies’. Are you with us?
No. Nellies are something completely different where we’re from.
Q. In what circumstances would you consider having a swallow tattoo?
If we met the right woman I’m sure we’d all love a cheeky swallow.
Q. If Rita from Coro asked you to push her prolapse back in, what would be the lowest price you’d request?
We’d be willing to bid £100 for the privilege.
Q. Have you ever put cheese on a Malt loaf?
No. We’ve never met the fat tw4t.
Q. Your debut album’s out, you’ve played CYCM, what’s next for The Slow Readers Club?
We have more gigs being added to our website (www.theslowreadersclub.co.uk) every week and we have a couple of more singles being released in February/March/April before the national release of our Album. It’s a busy period but we’re looking forward to it.
Q. Wu Lyf (who’ve also played CYCM) have just been on the David Letterman show. Are you going to get on Conan O’Brien in a battle of one-upmanship?
We’re aiming higher….. Loose Women is where it’s at.
Q. How long do you think it will take to read this interview once it’s done?
The same time it takes to have a big poo. (Excluding wiping).
Interview: J Walter Weatherman and the Frillies. Pictures: Matt Wilkinson
- CYCM takes place before FC United’s Saturday home games in the strange building behind the Manchester Road End.