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MAD (fer it) SANTA

Submitted by on December 18, 2011 – 6:47 pmNo Comment



Former Oasis and current Beady Eye front man Liam Gallagher’s next gig is to be a stint at Harrod’s Christmas Grotto as none other than Santa Claus according to a source. The hardman singer is set to show a soft side by putting in a 3 hour shift each day of the final week before baby Jesus’s birthday where he is expected to sit young children on his knee and ask them what they would like for Christmas. Aloysius Shellac, a 49-year old casual worker at the upmarket Kensington store, let the cat out of the sack while A Fine Lung were in London investigating Liam’s Xmas plans. “I was emptying the shredder in Harrods supremo Sheikh Hamad bin Jassim bin Jaber bin Muhammad Al Thani’s office when I heard voices” Shellac told us. “I had to hide because the shredder should have been emptied the day before, so I got behind the expensive long curtains. I peeped to see who was there and it was definitely Liam Gallagher with the Sheikh”. Shellac couldn’t help but overhear the conversation: “I feel dead guilty about eavesdropping but it couldn’t be helped,” said the former altar boy. “Liam was discussing the Santa outfit and shouted at the Sheikh ‘OK I’ll f*ck*ng wear red then, if it’s gotta be f*ck*ng red then it’s gotta be f*ck*ng red’. He went on to say ‘I don’t f*ck*ng want this f*ck*ng lot getting out to our kid or any of those f*ck*ng cockney c*nts. This is f*ck*ng top f*ck*ng secret this is man. It is what it f*ck*ng is. You know f*ck*ng what I f*ck*ng mean,  f*ck*ng Sheikh or no f*ck*ng Sheikh’. Shellac, who also helps local charities for free, said he got worried the meeting would turn violent at one point when the subject of money came up. “When the Sheikh asked Liam about his fee, the former Burnage wildboy flew into a rage, it reminded me of the time when his brother was pushed off the stage in Canada and he sprang into violent action. He jumped out of the chair and launched himself at the Sheikh, he was frothing at the mouth ranting ‘I’m not f*ck*ng doing this for the f*ck*ng money, I could f*ck*ng buy and sell you, you f*ck*ng c*nt. This is me. I’m not our f*ck*ng kid you know. I’m not f*ck*ng Roy f*ck*ng Keane. I’m doing this for the f*ck*ng kids and to prove to the f*ck*ng wife and our kid that I’m no miserable c*nt’. Churchgoer Shellac was however relieved that the pair ended their appointment in a friendly manner. “When the Sheikh’s security turned up it all seemed to calm down. They all had a cup of tea and a mince pie and even joked about Liam dying his eyebrows white”.

As news of AFL’s scoop hit the streets earlier, a Harrods spokesperson said that there is no truth in the story and that Aloysius Shellac has never worked for them. “They would fuckin say that wouldn’t they? The truth hurts” was former pall bearer Shellac’s response.

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