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My first team debut

Submitted by on November 15, 2011 – 8:59 amNo Comment

By The Baller
(*the following may or may not be true…but it’s funny one way or another)

Now I had been playing for a few months on the youth team with a notorious Manchester Footballer Character in the form of Simmo. Simmo is/was cool as fuck and as clever on the pitch as we is/was off it. He used to teach us set pieces well into the dark of night at Parr’s Wood. That is well and truly drilled into my football itinerary.

Now I played at Flint for the ressies the week before and didn’t do too well, it was hot and I was unfit but had a few nice touches. The real deal was Glossop away – the crowd were all up for it (around 900), pissed as fuck. Now it was party time, they were taking the piss out of the KFC which was taller than the Glossop ground. “KFC on the wing!” they bellowed out into the Derbyshire set.

Jonny Mitten (what a player by the way) scored a peach of a goal and ran into the crowd with his arms spread like a Golden Eagle. If Joz Mitten was a bird however he would be an Eagle of the Bald variety. He’s Golden though that lad..

Now it was my turn to shine on the 60th minute… Left wing was the chosen position by the Bold, Big-Chinned Marginson. What a position it turned out to be. The ball kept coming down the left to me. I was only 15! I was doing well passing it and laying it off. I was playing against players twice as big but they weren’t twice as fast. Rory Paterson was geeing me up and it was an amazing feeling hearing “Uniiiiiiited” as I was normally trying to start this essential off!

Now it was time for Barrie George to come on in the 75th. The crowd went beserk, “Barrie Barrie George” to the Tune “Nicky Nicky Butt Nicky Butt, Nicky Nicky Butt Na Na Na Na Na”. He nearly went and scored. I think there would have been a goon of epic proportions had that effort gone in. But not as big as my Player/Fan Goon on the 80th.

It was already 4-0 and someone had a shot for it to be spilled by the dopey Glossop goalie. And who was there to put the ball in? The young jibber optimist known as the ICDJ. The hardest hooligan jibber in Man United’s firm. Wow. He tapped it in and ran into the fans going as beserk as them. Beer all over him. “I couldn’t believe it – the adrenaline was unreal. I felt like I’d scored for MUFC. I ran into the crowd and gooned with them – until this Newton Heath head said “Err it’s offside mate”. Nugent was pissing himself at me!” proclaimed the Baller.

I ran back embarrassed as fuck as I tried to copy Mitten but I pulled off a shitten.

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