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CYCM: Manchester for the alternative…

Submitted by on September 2, 2011 – 8:36 amOne Comment

FC United of Manchester play Rusholme-and-dimp-pick at 3pm this Saturday. Si Carden must be devode that he’s gone to Trafford.

If you come to our ‘second’ home game you’ll enjoy the fifth year of no beer or food price rises. That is an absolutely insane but an immensely proud statement that we can put out. The oljebols behind Course You Can Malcolm can think of nothing else, besides our new ground, that hasn’t gone up in the last five years. We considered putting prices up this year as we’re taking bigger increases in cost but out of loyalty to our loyal, loyal followers we debated and considered between ourselves and concluded that it was our duty to go this one last season together. ‘We’ve come too far, to turn around, be as you are’ as that Manchester soul singer said.

lawnmowerThis club has always been about doing things a different way and from that different way comes a respect and a payback of fondness and ownership. We’ll stack them high and you can bring them low. And our club will still profit because you want it to be so. And in a harsh economic environment outside, our inside will be a picture of how it could be. Obv if you want to take the ‘pay what you want season ticket’ approach after you’ve had a few, then the three wise virgins behind the counter won’t say no. Having said that, they never do.


Yes, ‘turns’ as in plural. It’s September now. The coats are here and so it all begins. To bring you all joy and on ourselves misery, we toddled into Mother Mac’s in town to see a pre-Edinburgh Festival event upstairs. We didn’t even know Mother Mac’s had an upstairs. The ‘uni-sex’ toilet with no basin, just hand gel may cause concern to those who may want to ferret out a brown one. We endured some truly awful ‘have-you-ever-noticed-right’s throughout the night. I was just about to eat stale crisps between two beer mats hoping that they’d taste like cheesy crackers to uplift myself when a feyer-than-a-fey-bob-note young lad ambled onto the stage. He sparkled and brought you in, in the gentlest of ways. Meet David Stanyer. You’re going to love him. Well you would…if he turns up. That’s not his fault. I, recovering as best you can from taking another man’s phone number in a pub lavatory, have only been in contact via the said phone. He’s made up to be playing. Except my phone blew up last week and there’s no other way of contacting him unless he contacts me. As of Thursday evening he hasn’t. He’ll be too shy to do so, I know it. And that’s what makes him special.

After Dave, if Dave is brave enough to ring, is 23 year old, Didsbury-based singer songwriter Sam Smith. Fresh from supporting Tom Hingley of the Inspirals and with a gig on Saturday night at the Roadhouse I was able to ring and email this one. It’s obvious with Malcolmses beer pricing policy why we’d want a singer called Sam Smith. He just happens to be a game-attending, FC United of Manchester supporter as well. He’s gigging relentlessly around Manchester and there are many reliable people saying very nice things about him. If you want to have a preview then he’s given me an address http://soundcloud.com/samfjsmith. He also gave me facebook details but I can only be pushed so far. He’s also giving out free CDs Saturday so that’ll be chirrupy as we like a bargain at Malcolmses. Ask him what the FJ stands for. If it’s Foot Job then fasten your gollies tighter as Bury get on our case enough without any more Amsterdammy ways entering the vicinity.

TWOMOWERS – By the method of successive approximation…

Yes, he deserves his own heading. After a very long beery day in Buxton after last Saturday’s game, the sizeable, letter ‘S’ playing remnants came to the conclusion that Twomowers’s last ‘This team is sheet’ in CYCM about the riots was pitched perfect. It had half the audience on the brink of death with laughter and the other half tousling their hair back down as the draft from things going over it was making it stick up. Regardless of which side you were on, no one will ever forget where they were when they heard the Boris Johnson bit. Professional comics get months and months to try out material and then use it for twelve months. DVD it, then they get another hour’s worth out for the next twelve months and use it over and over again. Puppetry with jokes.

Our Twomowers whacks it together whilst waiting to get one of his many, many children out of Grey Mare Lane cop shop. He tells it to us just the once. And then it’s gone. Never recorded, never written down, just for us and nobody else. And the next game he does the same. And so it goes on throughout the seasons. There’s something very romantic about saying hello to a piece of platinum, Openshaw observed, cutting, subtle, visceral, sagely counselled, lovingly administered, good-hiding tinged humour… then just as quickly saying goodbye to it. A bizzy-briefs encounter.

Over the summer we went to a special wedding. We had four barrels of beer brewed especially for us and as a consequence we were able to name them. One we called ‘A better world is possible.’ It was lovely to go to the bar and say the sentence ‘A better world is possible please.’ And in these Arab spring/TUC demonstrating/riot times that romance reminds us of the practicalities of how people change. We have over 4,500 signatures for our new ground. That came through overwhelming mush to mush debate with everyone from local residents to countless reds, family and friends over the years. Nothing is learned in its entirety in one helping. If the order of how we perceive things is fluctuating, then people try out different solutions. Different choices are taken then dropped if wrong, then picked up again if they’re reassessed and found out now to be useful. Different spokespeople are found to have strengths and allies and friends are made. It’s in this ever circling unrest and instability that people change and learn for themselves things they may not have seen before.

lawnmowerAs owners of a football club the changes and realisations in us have been exponential. Big. North Stand’ly big. But this self empowering and picky-uppy-putty-downy-until-we-found-a-fit we’re experiencing and advancing ourselves with is not new. It’s been documented and named. It’s called ‘The method of successive approximation’ ie taking the fools out of the world we’re now recently occupying, by a process of letting the fools eliminate themselves from any social standing by their foolish comments and foolish actions. Stand aside div, your arguments have proved invalid. And we stand a good chance of getting there because we have found that self-awareness with a confidence to push that self-awareness.

Twomowers is the comedic documenter of that process for our football club. By a method of successive approximation of the world and how it is, he brings it forth for your conspicuous consumption. He sometimes flings, he sometimes silver services, he sometimes tries to take you places he’s probably not been himself and just wants our company because he’s a door knocker. You can bring it down with a Berbatov touch or let it hit the back wall. The consensus is that you’d be advised to fill up on it, it’s yours to keep and look back on when it’s past. Appreciate the romantic role it has played in getting us to where we are now. And he was on our club board for two years. What a fantastically talented, progressive and aware club we can be.

Pampered, that’s what you are. We’re always saying it but we’re only always saying it because it is true. This season may well be Course You Can Malcolm’s last as configurations and various other things may play against us in the future. Enjoy this Twomowers period in time and hear the voice in his head that goes in your head and think of him kindly. He’s part of Manchester for the alternative. And the food and beer is bangerties on and a bargain so, as we so often say, come rest awhile. We open at twelve. The club are trialling not opening the turnstile to the Manchester Road End till two so we’ll be taking gate money and season tickets on the door at CYCM till that time and until further notice. CYCM is free obv. The usual perms and conditioners apply.

The only drawback that we can see is that there’s going to be twenty odd of my family in there and only three have been to watch FC United of Manchester before. It’s all about the ties that tether us and the bonds that build us. Life is beautiful. Let future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression and violence, and enjoy it to the full. Together, as always, to the next three points.

Spirit, patience, gentlenessly yours


One Comment »

  • The Real Roxanne says:

    If it is to be the last season of CYCM then I may have to rebalance the universe by leaking the secret video of twomowers vs. Burscough from last season. The Scouse-heavy, “What would you do to get revenge on your neighbours?”.

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