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Submitted by on August 19, 2011 – 11:00 amNo Comment

FC United of Manchester play Thistowniscominglikeachasetown at 3pm this Saturday.

Course You Can Malcolm as a venue is Carlo Sartori chest hair. The brickwork walls are a very poor-on-the-mincer brick. The place only has two opening windows. That’s two windows. And Carlos, never mind Carlo would struggle to burgle them even if we were knocking him in through them with a pair of Murrjy’s enormous white Y fronts. And they could knock most, if not all things in. Well, we say white.

There’s also a daft telly behind the stage so when Rustle tries to take any artistic pics of the turns all that you get is a telly. And that annoys him, so we don’t let him do it so as to save ourselves his moaning.

The carpet is a daft blue colour. If a blue had too much pizza and was really resentful about having a red sick then he’d choose that colour of carpet as his sick colour, saying as he was evacuating ‘Wahey, I’m not having a red sick’ – then get up after it and go and watch Beady Eye’s launch of the new city kit and sing along with it whilst telling them he’d had a blue sick. And then they’d put their arms around each other and dance backwards. Very fitting moves really. Please find the city kit launch on your computer. It’s possibly the bluest thing you will ever see. And goodness me we’ve seen some blue things.

And back to bereft of class – there’s a talentless pod of a fake timber bar stuck in the middle of our venue. There’s an annoyingly enormous window to one side with no openings so that all it does is let in the sun to further increase the lack of air. The polystyrene ceiling tiles look as if they really wanted to be made of asbestos and are still quite cross about it that they’re not. The stairs get on your nerves. They shouldn’t as they’re just stairs. But they do.

Outside of cup games, when we only open one stand, it can only get folk from the Manchester Road End in so it’s never as true as we’d always wanted it to be. Although there are ways for the Main Stand to get in. See volunteers at any game and they’ll inform you.

To conclude then: the venue of Course You Can Malcolm, if it was a human being, would get a kidney and bowel infection as it processes urine and it also stores up vast amounts of the browner things in life.


And yet every Saturday home game last season the ‘Sorry, Flup’ signs went up. We’ve learnt over the last five years that anyone you want to play in August is either doing a festival or is at a festival. With the proliferation of festivals recently this has got worse. The Oddies always hope for no Saturday home games in August. This fits in perfectly with our ethos: football only really begins when there is a coat involved. From the hairiest heights of the September the 3rd game against Bushall, up to Christmas we’re booked up with some wondrous delights and the jiggeryist of jiggeryness. So take advantage this Saturday and have a parrot with your fellow reds who took that decision all those Mays ago. You just can’t buy the warmth we’ve made.

We’ve got Andy Walsh doing a Q and A about all things Moston at 1ish and Twomowers will also reveal the questions he may, or possibly may not have been asking of the players over the summer in the much missed ‘This team is sheet.’ And whilst on the subjj of sheets and missing, we’ve also got the soiled hospital bed sheet where Murrjy’s manhole cover missed the pan. It’s guaranteed to be funnier than him. We’ve had away some surgical gloves from our friends in the Toure drug squad for anyone who wants to origami the sheet on stage into the shape of a cup so that Murrjy might know what one looks like when he’s stopped malingering.


You know what, we can’t do it. We just love that cuddly man. Murrjy, when you come back, as a one and only one-off, the Course You Can Malcolm crowd is going to cheer you, you funeral-parlour-rouge faced, 365-day-Santa Claus of a human being. Everything we are, you were there with us. The old song of ‘Seven days is too long, without you Murrjy, come on back to us’ is going to rattle those asbestos tiles and they’ll turn to stars and sprinkle down. A dust worth breathing.

So come to our first home game. It’d be lovely to see you there, the usual perms and conditioners of one member, one guest apply. Memberships are available on the door. Very shallow football fans tire people with the ‘in anyname we trust’ clichés and expect us to be impressed or moved by their sincerity. In Murrjy, we just knew. Nothing is ever going to change that. That Moston MIP Market day, within the boundaries of our city is getting closer and closer. That’s not a tick from one of the big placcy clocks sold on the stalls, it’s your beating hearts documenting that rundown to this time next year. Together, as always, to the next three points.

Spirit, patience, gentlenessly yours

The Oddsall library that won’t be closed.

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