Things to do in summer when you’re dead (bored)
by J Walter Weatherman
Ah, the summer months, the mere mention of the words conjures up thoughts of lazy days spent watching the world go by, hours of endless sunshine, picnics, riverboats and handkerchief-covered heads and the like. Utter bliss.
Well, that is if the majority of your year isn’t spent as a matchgoing football supporter. For those of us who do spend our time going from one football ground to the next watching a pig’s bladder hoofed round, words such as dull, empty and barren are perhaps a more adequate description of the summer experience.
It’s not even like you’re eased into it; you get to the last game of the season after nine months of sweat, toil, tears and laughter and you’re basically thrown into an abyss of nothingness. I may even go to the FA with a proposal to combat the pain felt due to this abrupt finish by suggesting that after the last game of the season there’s an additional friendly played.
This’ll last an hour followed the week after by another just half an hour long, thus dulling the pain and leaving you somewhat better prepared to face the coming months. And if they dismiss it then I’ll gently point out to them that it’s still a better idea than that fucking 39th game nonsense (actually I think that was the Premier League’s idea, but sod it, they’re all as guilty as each other).
Now of course once the football’s over it’s not as if you’ll be sat naked in an empty room contemplating your navel for three months; there’s family and friends to catch up with, gardening (providing you have a garden of course, the old Chinese proverb ‘He who buys secateurs and has no garden is a fool’ springs to mind), trips to B & Q and a myriad of other jobs that have been successfully put off during the months August through May. And these tasks will invariably keep you occupied.
But what about escapism? The need for spiritual fulfilment? Obviously there’s a football/season ticket/pint glass/terrace chant- shaped hole in your life that needs filling, but where do you go to find this stop gap? Well this, dear reader is where I come in. After years of toil and detailed scientific research I’ve come up with the essential guide to getting through the summer and back on your feet in time for those pre-season friendlies you’re no doubt already dreaming of:
Adopt a Western Lowland Gorilla- A quick search of the website www.aspinallfoundation.org/adopt-an-animal/?breed=62 shows that you can adopt a gorilla. I didn’t bother reading too much into this but I’m assuming it means you take the gorilla home with you and treat it like one of the family. You’ll be sat watching the TV and not uttering a word to it in no time.
Slap anyone who pronounces the word ‘Specific’ as ‘Pacific’- Now I’ll admit, this could be a daunting task. Estimates put the number of people making this mistake in this country alone at 7.9 million, and it’s on the increase, but the sheer satisfaction felt at righting this wrong will no doubt be immense.
Watch episodes of the Simpsons from the classic era (circa 93-97)- Marvel at the genius of the writing from this era and then weep at the abomination it’s become now (actually if you’re going to react like this then it could be best you give this one a miss).
Become a secret millionaire- Bear in mind you have to be a millionaire to do this. And be good at keeping secrets.
Find out if pirates suffered from a lack of depth perception- Admittedly this only applies to pirates who had one eye, but if you were to wear a patch for the whole summer you could see if it’s a struggle or not.
Make an Adrian Chiles mask out of Jacobs Crackers- The morning TV star regularly tops women’s best- looking male lists, so why not see if you can emulate his success by making a mask? If it doesn’t work you at least have a tasty snack to console yourself with.
Alphabetise the non-fiction section of your local library (Providing the Tories haven’t got their hands on it yet) – To hell with the Dewey Decimal System!
Separate the cheese from the onion in your crisps- I’m not saying I know how to do this, it’s just a suggestion after all. If you succeed though you could move on to salt and vinegar. It won’t be long before the Walkers empire is on its knees and Gary Lineker is unemployed.
Annoy an EDL member by stealing his Burberry cap- This comes HIGHLY recommended.
Write an article about things you can do in the summer when there’s no football – Self-explanatory really. Give it a go.
Now you’re armed with this invaluable information go forth into the world and spread the word. Before you know it, the summer will have passed and you’ll be back on the terraces stood shoulder to shoulder with your fellow supporters in no time. In fact, these suggestions are that good, there’s the danger you could walk away from football altogether, so just go easy on it eh?
(Of course, none of the above will be a concern for you if it’s a summer when England are in a tournament. There’s hours of entertainment to be had, especially if the TV camera pans onto the pained faces of the assorted little Ingerlunders when John Terry misses a penalty or Peter Crouch comes on to the pitch)