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CYCM: Tatars deep…

Submitted by on February 18, 2011 – 2:33 pmOne Comment

FC United of Manchester play Berlusconi this Saturday. Be prepared for players with dyed black hair.

TURNS…
Nico TatarowiczA few months back Midjmo Matt, a young Oddie, said in beer that his family know this comedian from around their way who’s a red but who has gone to London and made a success of it as well as writing countless sketches for television etsetch etsetch.

’He might be a bit big for us to ask to play for our usual fee of freemans but I’ll have a go’ was Midjmo Matt’s conclusion. And so here he is. Getting his own way down from London, playing our venue and all for the princely sum of the romance we’ll sling in his direction, we present to you…Nico Tatarowicz. See www.nicotatarowicz.com for further noseying.

A personal insight into the man? After a very, very nice phone conversation arranging the details, Nico finished off by saying…

‘Anyway speak soon and ****ing nice one on being part of something in football that actually means something.’

Nico is doing three cutely formed sets especially written for Course You Can Malcolm starting early at around one o’clock with his final set being after our manager has told his two ‘jokes’ but before Twomowers has done ‘This team is sheet’. So it appears it’s a getting in early one as yet again last week the doors had to be closed as capacity was reached.

Rumours that we only booked Nico because we thought he was an east European tater
hash are untrue.

EIGHT AND A HALF ACRES LANE…
Almost, almost, almost there. It was Billy Fury in ‘Half way to paradise’ who sang ‘So near yet so far away’. That’s where FC United of Manchester are, encumbered in a Devon–Lock-headlock until we are not. Adam Brown will be in CYCM with drawings and other paraphernalia and doing a quick Question and Answer sesh on how our restraints can be released. He won’t have his overhead projector as it got purloined. That is a niche, U.C.U.-orientated market of nickology. I’m doubting any of us have been in the vault in the Hare and Hounds on Shude Hill or the Unicorn opposite the barrows and been offered an overhead projector. Chops? Yes. Terry’s Chocolate Orange? Yes. Steaklets? Yes. Overhead projector? No. Ask him what makes a steak a steaklet.

BEERS…

The Lothario that is Blaine didn’t get the beer write up to us this week. One should never jump to tater rash conclusions and ours of ‘He’s probably bang at it somewhere’ proved as silly as three socks. Blaine has ‘voluntarily’ signed himself into the Altrincham Priory for his sex addiction. This means that you ladies, depending on your libido, can either rest easy in your boudoirs this weekend or console yourself that he’ll soon be out and at it. Blaine, despite having no blood in his head because it is perpetually elsewhere still got an order for our guest beer in. ‘Motor car Chris’, Blaine’s wingman writes…

‘As Blaine was being carted off to the clinic he told me that the guest beer this week was ‘Dynamild’ from Prospect brewery near Standish, Wigan. It’s 5.2%. and apparently that Oz Clarke and James May liked it on their beer drinking programme a while back.’

THE CHANGE IS FAR BETTER THAN THE REST of this…
The Norwegian Chef has just come back from Norway and forgotten his reindeer balls. Seerz. He was going to add them to his potato, leek and carrot soup that he is doing for Lettuce Leave this Saturday. That’s Lettuce Leave that provides the vegetarian option at CYCM. Goodness me they’re good at Longboats and hats incorporating horns at the side but Norwegians really have to be guided through the concept of vegetarianism. The Nordic twist to the soup is that he was standing on a whale whilst he was cooking it. Eyebrows will have the kettle on for the sausages. Honestly that last sentence makes sense if you have been in the Lettuce Leave corner of Malcolmses.

There’s free beer again in CYCM this week and Mike Summerbee will be talking about possession being nine tenths of the law. All of that last sentence is a lie which is obvious really as Michael is not that well versed on possession. In actual fact he’s doing a talk on when he was invited onto The Sky at Night as he can see stars that don’t exist. He can also curtsey on half way lines. That last bit is a song. Ask your Mam or Dad.

You’ll get mithered by Lynette to buy the new issue 6 of ‘A fine lung’, the independent FC United of Manchester publication that is out Saturday with every single pence raised going to that Newton Heath bonfire of footballing resistance. With the absolute quality and range of red writers in ‘A fine lung’ it really is a privilege to behold. It knows its spuds. Anyway, on the subject of literary classics, see you there because as the last line in Bertolt Brecht’s ‘Mother Courage and her children’ says ‘After a long traipse about all week you’d be gormless not to.’ Together, as always, to the next three points…

Fraternally yours,

The CYCM Odd Carriers

As oft repeated **** CYCM is an FC United of Manchester members’ pub. That means if you’re an FC United of Manchester member then you get to come in. One guest allowed per member. There will be membership forms as you come in. All bottles to be kept within the bar area because if you take it out on the terrace you won’t be coming in again. It’s a football league ground. Their rules on this one that they’ll take great relish in hurting us for if we transgress. This is our ‘No divs’ policy that we firmly adhere to for the dignity of our club because nobody wants to drink with divs. That is a Mancunian fact ****

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