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(Don’t) like listening to Brazil…

Submitted by on December 6, 2010 – 11:29 am2 Comments

right winger...

By Andrew Rhodes

I’ve turned the dial on the radio into no man’s land now and pulled the plug from its socket. England’s World Cup bid has just been embarrassingly KB’d, despite the best efforts of the most patriotic of Englishmen living in America, David Beckham. If I return to the telephone discussion now my night will be in ruins. Talk Radio Stations and now internet forums are like Heroin to people like me, who think that their opinions are worth something.

Talksport is the radio station for people that cry at football games and miss their weddings to watch England, but it is also like a car crash that you can’t bring yourself to turn your eyes from.

Talksport as it is now, began early in the new millennium as Talkradio, pioneered by Kelvin McKenzie who was bored with wet-dreams about the working classes pissing on one another’s dying bodies while masturbating over a portrait of Maggie. His plan of bringing together an array of ex-Fleet Street journalists, the type which Spitting Image accurately mimicked, and a collection of ex-footballers was a dream come true for the Sky, Danny Dyer generation.

It was no surprise to many that the star of the station was an ex-Manchester United striker, Alan Brazil. Of course Brazil will always be remembered for his glittering career at Ipswich Town where their outstanding side, led by Bobby Robson, won the UEFA Cup in 1981 and were league runners up in 1981 and 1982. Brazil’s record at all his clubs is exceptional. Nine in 31 at Spurs and more interestingly eight in 31 at United.

The big guy’s presence on the microphone at Talksport is even more prolific, however, and he has a massive cult following. His thirst for champagne and hunger for Gaucho Grill rump steaks is legendary. He lives for the day. It made me wonder why this man, a curly haired, bon-viveur, has never captured the hearts of the United fans that will forever keep more easily forgettable figures closer to their hearts.

Winning medals or even first team status has never meant anything to the hero worshippers at Old Trafford, it takes something more. Put Norman Whiteside’s honours up against Rio’s and the mismatch is obvious, Eric didn’t even win a European medal with us yet their status in the ranks of our fans is incomparable. So why haven’t we taken to Alan Brazil?

Why has he drifted from the radar of United fans who cling to cult heroes like make-up and lycra to Fernando Torres? The only xplanation is that Mr Brazil, as his sycophants refer to him, is a bit of a twat. His boring references to golf afternoons with Racehorse owners or Bobby Davro do nothing for the average United fan I wouldn’t think.

Mr Brazil thinks he is the first Scot since Lulu to taste Pomagne and his morning conversations with original fat-cat, Henk Potts has even included name dropping to the extent of people they had schmoozed at Sun City in South Africa. Man of the People, our Alan. He tries his best to keep his political allegiances close to his chest, however he does admit to admiring Michael Howard and last year declared that the rise in credit card fraud in London was probably to do with the amount of foreigners that manned petrol kiosks.

He, on the breakfast show, was the first Ron Atkinson apologist, he said Ron had done a lot for ‘them’. Alan thinks political correctness has gone mad, that it is the root of all evil. His listeners love him. His fellow presenters love him. These people I’ve noticed though aren’t often United fans. His listeners cry at England games and need a United reject to live their lives for them.

Listen to Talksport for long enough and you find yourself with a phone bill larger than Ireland’s national debt as you try your damnedest to educate pork. Pork being the operative word. Think of those Fleet Street reporters on Spitting Image again.

2 Comments »

  • SFTB says:

    Great piece about (Tory Boy) Brazil and 100% correct.

    Me & a mate have experienced his company a few years back…
    He made a right Cock of himself on the flight to Russia in 95 (he was working for Radio 5 then),
    He started slagging United off and saying how good he was for United,
    He then got pissed on expensive wine asking for Champagne at one point. this ended
    up in him singing Celtic songs.
    After we’d all been dropped off at the hotel (he had gone to bed the Tory Pussy), me & my mate made a note of his room number
    and enjoyed the bar on him!!!

  • LesBagg says:

    I have a freind who like you is sort of addicted to Talksport, and yes it really is “a freind” it isn’t me!
    He is addicted to it because he hates it so much. He hates the people on it, he hates the people who ring into it, he hates the Jeremy Kyle style subject titles but it keeps him alert throughout the day because he spends most of it driving. Five Live is just background Muzak that can send a bloke to sleep at the wheel. With Talksport he shout at some Liverpool fan from Barnstaple, call him a right twat then text me to let me know that the geezer has won his “Talksport twat of the week prize”!
    I trust him and his judgement enough not to have to listen to such rubbish.
    I tried it once, a few years ago, a Tuesday it was, the phone in was about the game the previous evening
    “Was last night’s game an example of what is wrong with the Premier League?”
    The game was a 3-3 draw between Watford and Fulham, or maybe it was 2-2, whatever, it was a splendid game of end to end football. The reason most callers thought it was wrong was because it didn’t involve Arsenal, Chelsea or Man U (as some callers refered to United) none of these teams would’ve made so many mistakes, big clubs don’t make mistakes that lead to goals and silly results like 3-3 (apparantley) and besides what were teams like Watford, Fulham and the like of Wigan Atheltic doing in the Premier League when the likes of Nottingham Forest, Leeds and Sheffield Wednesday weren’t?

    So, I waited for the hosts to answer the attention seeking imbeciles back with some facts about how football works, like the teams who get most points get promoted and the crap ones don’t. Being a Wiganer I was particularly riled by some eejit’s comments about us, even though we had nowt to do with the discussion subject!
    I waited for them to reply that the reason that Leeds, Forest and Wednesday weren’t in the Premier League was because they were all badly run clubs, with players who weren’t good enough to be there and that the game is still about what happens on the pitch. And about how many replitopped fans you have means diddley bloody squat if you don’t have good enough players on the field.

    And I waited, but the answers never came back, they agreed with every single Wayne and Garry who rang in about the Premier League being “wrong” because the teams that they wanted to be in it weren’t.

    Talksport, is football for the James Corden generation, don’t do it people! Or at least get a mate like Chris so you can cut out the middle man and find out who has won “twat of the week”!

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