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Submitted by on December 3, 2010 – 9:03 pmOne Comment

Furious England soccer fans up and down the country went on a binge of mayhem last night following the announcement that Russia had unfairly won the race to host the 2018 FIFA World Cup tournament. England’s bid, despite sending bulldog triumvirate David Beckham, David Cameron, and Prince William, to Zurich with a package that clearly put the drab, miserable, primitive Russians in the shade, failed miserably and was literally laughed out of Switzerland which made defeat hard to take for furious fans.
Drunken yobs targeted Russian vehicles and restaurants as they angrily dispersed from ‘2018 announcement gatherings’ in various outdoor locations such as The Scoop next to Tower Bridge, Manchester’s Spinningfields and Victoria Square, Birmingham.
Gilbert Crow, a Lada owner from Minworth near Sutton Coldfield found his 22 year old Lada Riva saloon had been broken into soon after the bid announcement. Thugs damaged a lock mechanism on the boot from where they stole a toolkit and damaged the rear passenger quarter light to get into the car stealing a lunchbox containing salmon sandwiches. “As soon as it was revealed that the bid had failed and Russia had won, I feared the worst, especially after the trouble at the Brum derby”, said bachelor Gilbert, 5ft 9. “Unfortunately I was stuck in the Hare & Hounds down the road, I phoned my mum to tell her to keep an eye on the Lada but she fell asleep in her wheelchair and didn’t hear the rampaging mob”.
Meanwhile in Bradford, a Russian restaurant owner was left fuming when an English man phoned to book a table and entertainment for a party of twelve, then never turned up. Vladimir Molotov 5ft 11, proprietor of The Hungry Cossack told us “we’re celebrating Russia’s victory when we received the call. A man claiming to be called John Bull booked the table and we got to work putting three tables together, getting out the large tablecloth and laying the placemats, cutlery and glasses”. The fuming Muscovite was left with waiters, dancers and a circus performer, 3ft 3, twiddling their thumbs as the group failed to show. “We soon put two and two together and realised it was a hoax by English bovver boys. These cowards wouldn’t get away with it in Russia, they would be left to rot in freezing jails”.
In a separate incident in Chorlton-on-Medlock, Manchester, taxi-driver Ken Ringpiece, 5ft 6, woke up to find the rear offside tyre of his new Skoda was flat after a 1½” pozidriv woodscrew had been inserted into the lower wall of the 15” rubber wheel covering by a gang of English hooligans. Ken, whose car is actually made by Volkswagen, believes the gang mistook his car for a Russian make. “People often think Skoda is Russian but it was Czech originally, now VW make them and they are a much cheaper alternative to the Passatt”. The cabbie remained upbeat despite missing hours of work. “This is my livelihood and I lost several pounds because I couldn’t get the puncture repaired as the damage was actually in the tyre wall. These are Continental tyres so it’s going to cost about £70. We’ll still enjoy Christmas but it means mum will have to wait until February for her present because of these animals. At least they didn’t attack the house or me and mum, 4ft 11, so every cloud has a silver lining.”


Police say the incidents could have been much more widespread had the tournament been handed to Germany or Italy. A spokesman, 6ft 2, told us “The hooligan mobs couldn’t really find what they were after because Ladas haven’t been sold in the UK for years and not many people know where there is a Russian restaurant. However there are plenty of German cars on the road and Italian restaurants on the High St. I think we can safely say major incidents of mass disorder have been averted and what with the student riots and chaotic arctic conditions Britain could have literally been in a grip of a three-pronged terror attack”.
Meanwhile Gilbert Crow has vowed to get his Lada back on the road. “I’ve had years of ribbing and heard all the jokes but this is a great car and it’s hardly done any mileage since I lost my job at the post office 20 years ago. I should be able to get it fixed, I’m just glad I had the Krooklok on and had disabled the ignition coil via a secret switch under the driver seat”.
At least there was some good news for victims when a Downing St source confirmed that 3 lions Wills, 6ft 3, Becks, 5ft 11½ and Cammer, 6ft, along with Lord Coe, 5ft 9 and Alan Shearer, 6ft, will visit those affected by anti-Russian violence to deliver Xmas hampers.


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