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2-1 down, 5-2 up, now we’re gonna win the cup…

Submitted by on October 10, 2010 – 8:16 pm6 Comments

(c) Rustle Hart

FC United of Manchester are one win away from the first round proper of the FA Cup after their 5-2 victory over the Justified Ancients of Stockton and Norton.

A text came through late on Saturday night, long after we’d disembarked back in town. It said: “Bob’s shit charra added to the day”. It’s hard to argue.

Despite talk of a mini-bus (which became a coach) beginning soon after the draw was made, we only booked it three days prior to the match so we couldn’t complain too much when we got the slowest charrabang in the west.

We set off late due to confusion over who had booked on and who hadn’t – despite many years helping and travelling on the United fanzine coaches, we are still just a little bit shit at stuff. Horseshoe and his gaggle held us up a bit more. If there hadn’t been a big sign on the front of the bus highlighting the name of the publicity-seeking get who’d booked it, then they may never have found it. One potential traveller had pulled out due to undergoing an operation to remove a mole on his hows-your-father. He told us it was two moles, but we all know the truth.

Soon after, Bob became our driver, the driver of our team, on the shittest charrabang the world has ever seen. It was 42 degrees onboard, and Bob didn’t know how to switch the heating off. It also came with a built in ‘buzzing’ noise, the cause of which no one had a clue. Suggestions ranged from an errant fire door to someone at the back playing ‘Operation’. Calls for Dumb and Dumber to get air play were turned down for fear of over-using the electrics.

After stops on the hard shoulder to pick up a late riser, who’d caught us up on his skateboard, and a small (very small) Rainbow Yorkshire Firm somewhere near Leeds, it took us three hours to reach our first stop. This journey including the oversight that was a failure to come off the motorway at the correct junction meaning we effectively had to go backwards. Bob reckoned he knew a route through the countryside and so we crawled down lost lanes of the Teeside outback and were even burnt off by a group of cyclists. We’d got up behind them and were shouting at them to get out the way, but we soon came a cropper on a hill. We couldn’t exceed two miles an hour, so the struggling cyclists had enough in their tanks to leave us for dead. Bob was devode.

(c) Rustle Hart

We stopped in Stokesley. Reports that their local firm, the naughtisley fortisley, would make an appearance failed to materialise and we enjoyed a good drink in the White Swan, as sourced by our resident beer boffin. It is home to the Captain Cook micro-brewery and our lovely hosts treated us to a brief tour. The more adventurous found a chippy for a nosebag and were amused to see a sign in the window that read something like: “No solicitors allowed. You are thieves and criminals, we will not serve you.”

Back on the bus we had a sing song, with our new hero Bob being the subject of many re-worked United classics. We got to the ground in good time, but only because they’d delayed the kick off after hearing how slow our charra was. It was very kind of them. The club house was ace and served Black Sheep. The ground was bobbins if the truth be told and anyone under 5ft 8ins couldn’t see a carrot. So a few resourceful types scaled the scaffolding on a house next to the ground to secure a better view.

(c) Rustle Hart

On the pitch, FC began slowly and the Ancients of mu mu played out of their skins. Off the pitch an FA Cup classic was developing among the United support, which estimates put at anything up to 1,000. The reds didn’t disappoint in the second half and, just to confuse the commentators, Mike Norton scored a hattrick against Norton, to see FC through to the next round amidst celebratory pitch invasions and rejoicing unmatched since the first game at Leigh five years ago.

Bob did 0 to 60 in 10 minutes after the game and we reached our homeward stop-off in Knaresborough in time for a couple of swifties at another boffin-chosen pub called Blind Jacks. A right royal sing-song on the way home even saw Bob getting involved with a hearty rendition of the Flowers of Scotland. It was only punctuated by Rustle’s shit jokes. Bob thanked everyone for a great trip and choked up as he told us how he would do his job for free, he enjoyed it that much. If only he’d told us that before we shelled out for his shit charra.

We promised to book him again for the next round, if we get drawn away, but if it’s any further afield we will have to set off a week before the match. Cheers Bob.

3pm eternal.

6 Comments »

  • Deegan Short says:

    [...] A fine lung » 2-1 down, 5-2 up, now we're gonna win the cup… Subs: James Holden, Zach Hibbert, Simon Carden, Ben Deegan Chris Ovington. Goals: Norton (5, 74, 90), Own Goal (64), Deegan Norton & Stockton Ancients James Provett Andrew Burton Craig Bishop Dale Mulligan Richard Gaston (Capt) Craig Gott Steven Higgins Shaun Clarke Jamie Clarke Theodore Furness Daniel Earl. Subs: Leon Carling, Phillip Wilson, Lewis McCardle, Nathan Mulligan, Callum Brown, Shaun Lambert . Enjoy Mark Turton's short film about a city fan. [...]

  • midjmo says:

    Stat attack:

    9th October 2010

    Played at Norton Sports Complex, Station Road, Norton

    FA Cup 3rd Qualifying Round

    Won 2-5

    Half Time 1-1

    Attendance 1526 (a ground record)

    FC United

    1. S Ashton
    2. K Jacobs (capt)
    3. L Neville (cautioned 85)
    4. N Platt
    5. M Parker
    6. S McManus
    7. C Roca
    8. J Cottrell
    9. M Norton
    10. J Wright
    11. G Hurst

    Subs

    12. J Holden (for 3 87)
    13. Z Hibbert
    14. S Carden (for 7 88)
    15. B Deegan (for 11 75)
    16. C Ovington

    Scorers: Norton 5 74 90(+4), Hurst 64, Deegan 86

    Norton and Stockton Ancients

    1. J Provett
    2. A Burton
    3. C Bishop
    4. D Mulligan
    5. R Gaston (capt) (cautioned 83)
    6. C Gott
    7. S Huggins
    8. S Clarke
    9. J Clarke
    10. T Furness
    11. D Earle

    Subs

    12. L Carling
    13.
    14. L McCardle
    15. N Mulligan (for 10 65)
    16. C Brown
    17. S Lambert (for 2 35)
    18. P Wilson

    Scorers: D Mulligan 40, S Clarke 58

  • midjmo says:

    FC United face Barrow at home in next round

    FC United have been drawn at home to Conference National side Barrow AFC in the fourth and final qualifying round of the FA Cup sponsored by E.ON with the fixture scheduled for the weekend of Saturday 23 October. Date and venue are to be confirmed.

    If FC win they will be entered in the first round proper.

  • SFTB says:

    ‘Forgot about the bike riders beating us up that hill & the hands up big dipper style over the hills, we’re here for the long haul, we’ll get another one, don’t worry’ text sent to ‘SAGA Bob’ after hearing the draw

  • Twomowers says:

    good stuff with some good gags in there midjmo

    for the record the chippy bloke with the anti-solicitor policy also had an “English Spoken Here” sticker in his window, and was also berating a public sector worker for getting paid while on the sick

    anyone visiting the area must visit The White Swan & The Captain Cook Brewery @ 1 West End, Stokesley, North Yorkshire TS9 5BL

  • Talkative says:

    the chippy’s ‘English spoken here’ sign also had a union jack and the thought-provoking slogan ‘the price of freedom is eternal vigilance’ (he might have just been on about the justified ancients though). On the window there was a sticker about using old fashioned imperial weights and measures and the EU being a rip-off. I think it’s fair to say that this chippy owner won’t stand for any of that political correctness that these EU liberals bring, like straight sausages and banning eccles cakes that are actually made in worsley.

    perhaps about to join forces in an english chippy defence league (ecdl) is the chippy on beech road in chorlton which has a window with the frosted words ‘the only english chippy in chorlton’. trouble is they’re both good chip shops, so I’ll boycott the stokesley one.

    keep st george in my arteries…

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