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POPE GOES THE WAZ – HELL!

Submitted by on September 19, 2010 – 7:21 pmNo Comment

ROO VISIT INA-POPE-PRIATE SAYS COL FAMILY

THE POPE TRYING TO SLAP A BIRD

Cheating £500,000-a-week Manchester United and England icon Wayne “Wazzer” Rooney has had an exclusive confession session from the head of the Roman Catholic Church according to a papal source. Rooney is said to be consumed with guilt following kiss-and-tell allegations of adultery with a £50,000-a-time prostitute at the £550-a-night Lowry hotel in Salford. In a bid to be forgiven, not only by God and Jesus, but by his devoted wife Colleen and her staunch catholic family the McCloughlins, it is understood Rooney, 19, has met the Vatican top dog Pope Benedict XVI at a £700-a-night Chelsea hotel before Il Papa’s (the pope’s) meeting with David Cameron and sidekick Clegg (the prime minister and deputy prime minister).

But the devout church-going family of loyal Colleen are said to be up-in-arms about the secret sacrament service and are livid that the lusty Liverpool lad has sought an easy way out by using his celebrity status. Ken Wagstaff, a distant cousin of the McCloughlins told us “Tony and Colette (Coleen’s parents) are literally fuming (extremely angry) at Wayne, not only because he’s paid for sex with brasses (prostitutes)  instead of free sex with Coleen but now he’s using their faith to get off the hook.” The Aigburth (in Liverpool) father-of-eight went on, “Wazza has broken the 6th Commandment and thinks the 4th sacrament will get him off because he knows how holy Coleen’s ma and da are and technically speaking they’ll have to forgive him – specially if the pope has dished out the penance”.

DEFIANT ROO AFTER THE CONFESSION

Many Roman Catholics are thought to be disappointed that the Pope agreed to meet what they see as an unholy character. One Catholic said, “I would have thought that there are far more worthy people that Benedict XVI could have had a confessional with, Coleen for one, or maybe Cheryl Cole after her recent malaria ordeal.”

However the Bishop of Prestbury where Rooney lives in his £12,000,000 mansion, has defended the sex-mad scouser and the pope’s decision to meet him. The Most Reverend Aloysius Bent explained, “All of God’s creatures deserve reconciliation. Wayne is a big name, who committed a big sin, even bigger if he wore a condom and he needed a big holy person to facilitate forgiveness – and there ain’t no bigger holier person than the pope apart from God.”

Coleen’s cousin Wagstaff sees it differently and plans a rough ride ahead for Roo. “I’m gonna make his life hell”, said former undertaker Ken, “he nailed that sloobag (promiscuous woman) when dedicated wife Col was 6 months pregnant with baby Kai, it’s gonna (going to) take more than 3 Hail Marys and one Our Father for me to stop me punching the dirty rat on the snotter (nose). I’m e-mailing the Vatican as well and over the next few weeks will be campaigning for this pope to be kicked out. He probably doesn’t care about adulterers just like he doesn’t care about peedos. He’s a proper arlarse”.

Rooney has romped with prostitutes before including 6 years ago when he shagged a granny in a catsuit known as ‘the auld dartboard’.

A MOCKED UP PICTURE OF A LADY LEANING INTO A FORD FOCUS THAT MAY HAVE BEEN DRIVEN BY ROO. SHE IS ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS.

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