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Thai Brides and Teacakes – Moston active Drama

Submitted by on September 5, 2010 – 8:14 pmOne Comment

MaD Magazine: Real Life Readers’ Lives – We pay £2.50 for every Real Life Story we print…

This week bakery assistant Maureen ‘Ma’ Longbottom tells of her struggle to find a sperm donor to complete her union with the love of her life .

I’m Maureen Longbottom, but everybody calls me ‘Ma’, because that’s what I am a mother, I’ve got three kids to four different fathers (don’t ask, that’s my next £2.50 story). My kids are everything to me, my eldest Jordan, beautiful girl, has twins, Beyonce and Rooney.

She copes ever so well on her own, her fella’s inside after scammin’ the social out of four years’ incapacity benefit. He got sussed out when he appeared on Britain’s Got Talent with his unique body popping yodelling act and was arrested live, in front of a shocked nation, I said he’d gone too far when he told ‘em he was a paraplegic!

Then there’s my son, Calvin, he became a minor celebrity when he became Moston’s 1000th ASBO recipient, he got a grant from the council for £100 as a reward and was asked to open the new pupil referral unit in Harpurhey. He’s got a little friend, Melvyn, poor bugger, he’s an orphan, lost his mother after she underwent a gastric bypass operation courtesy of Channel Five. The op was a rip roaring success, but at the celebratory meal she went ‘BOOM’ and tragically burst all over the Kung Po Pork she was slaving over! It was pandemonium at the Number One Buffet! So, we are looking to adopt the poor sod.

Then me youngest, Malcolm, a political activist, he’s always trying to save the whale, ban the bomb or keep fox hunting out of Moston, just like his father, lovely fella until he went looking for a job, did he find one, no, he found God instead ran off to join the Jesus Army, Amen to him I say…

This brings me to my struggle to have a little baby with my devoted wife Madeira. We married four years ago, in Moston’s first same sex civil partnership. We have everything we need in each other except for one thing, a baby of our own. Madeira is desperate for one after she lost her baby making organs a few years ago in a touch and go operation, that left her eggless, wombless and bereft.

We made a disastrous attempt at trying to adopt a Ukrainian orphan boy, little baby Bogon. We went over to the Ukraine to seal the deal, then bump! We’d been gazumped by none other than Elton John who offered little baby Bogon the life of a princess, far more than me and Madeira could offer. So we went back to Moston, with no baby, potless and traumatised by the ordeal. Then Madeira said, ‘why don’t we find a sperm donor and you could carry the baby?’ Great Iiea I thought. So, we started a campaign “Spare a Jar of Jiz 4 Us’’, advertising where any prospective males meet, the bookies, the pubs, the G.U.M. clinics.

The first few fellas were a bit ropey. Then Fred the builder said he wouldn’t mind helping us, and we was chuffed as arseholes at his offer. Then once more it fell through, as his new Thai Bride, Ding Dong who’d arrived in the post that morning put a stop to it!

She screamed ‘I have not spent twelve hours on a cargo plane wrapped in bubble wrap for my husband to go jiggy jiggy with another woman!’ That was that, another bum steer to add to the bum steer vault of our lives.

So at the moment we are in limbo, Madeira cries every night hugging the Ethel Austin baby grows that she hopes one day will be filled by her very own love child. But we live in hope, the advertising campaign is well orchestrated, although we’ve had a couple of crank offers, one in the form of 45 year old twins Harry and Barry that still live with the mother and are in nappies. But as I always say to my Madeira, where there’s hope there’s life …..

To find out if Ma and Madeira are successful in finding that much needed sperm donor see Thai Brides and Teacakes at The Dance House Manchester 15 – 18th September – see www.madtheatrecompany.co.uk for more details.

o The above featured in issue four of A Fine Lung. There are very few copies still available at the Working Class Movement Library in Salford. Ask for Lynette. Issues two and three are still available from the Library too, or email us and we’ll sort you out, somehow…

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