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BLIMEY! IT’S HERE AT LAST

Submitted by on June 18, 2010 – 10:30 amOne Comment

WE'LL WIN IT FOR YOU MA'AM

It’s finally here. The World Cup, El Copa Mundial, Le Cirque du Monde. Love it or loathe it, it looks like it’s here to stay and we at A Fine Lung will be bringing you all the latest bang up to date news and gossip from South Africa as England prepare to kick off their campaign against Albania in Cape of Good Hope tonight.

ENGLAND WASH THEIR MOUTHS OUT WITH SOAP

Fabio Capello’s squad have been learning a whole new “swearing” vocabulary in a bid to avoid a repeat of Wazza’s booking, received during their warm-up game against Platinum Stars, by watching several episodes of popular soap Coronation St.  Roo was booked in the friendly for shouting ‘f**k  you’ at the referee and as a result officials of England’s World Cup games have been supplied with lists of English swear words to catch our boys out.  However, quick thinking Italian Fab commissioned box sets of the Weatherfield continuing drama as it regularly features ways of cursing without breaching the normal boundaries of verbal taboo.  The England stars have become immediately hooked and have put down their playstations and been glued to “Corra” as it’s affectionately known.  So watch out for confused refs scratching their heads at such “profanities” as ‘blinkin’ eck’, ‘flamin’ ‘ell’ and ‘flippin’ nora’. One word we’ll be screaming from the rooftops if our boys bring back the Jules Rimet. BLIMEY!

AFGHANS CRYING LIKE HOUNDS

Former Afghanistan national coach Klaus Obermann is blaming Britain and the U.S. for the country’s failure to qualify for this year’s World Cup in Rainbow Nation. German Obermann says the military allies were deliberately dropping bombs near the Afghans’ training sessions which resulted in defeat to Syria in the Asian  1st round qualifier. The comments came just hours after the “Kaiser” himself accused Wazza, Stevie G, Lamps, Crouchy & Co. of playing like farmyard animals. Blimey! Sounds like this pair haven’t got over ’66 yet. Talk about 44 years of hurt!

ROO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO

Fabio Capello has been branded a flamin’ hypocrite after discouraging the England boys from bringing their Wags to South Africa then turning up with his own Wag, Laura Ghisi, in tow. Gossip columnist Sheri Shellac, who is disappointed at the lack of Wag action, told AFL “Bosses should set an example, what’s good enough for goose etc…, it’s not fair that he should be getting his oats and the lads having to make do with their imaginations.” But Sheri warned it could all turn sour. “With all that male testosterone pumping around the camp it won’t be long before those naughty boys will be sniffing round Laura or maybe they’ll try an pull a blummin’ train on her,” giggled the platinum blonde. Blimey watch out Fab!

NOT YOU TOO BONO?

Dozens of rock band U2’s fans were left heartbroken at the announcement that singer Bono’s back injury meant the group had to pull out of their headline appearance at the Glastonbury festival. However rumours have been circulating that Bono has pulled a ‘World Cup sickie’ and has sneaked off to Port Elizabeth where he is expected to attend a private barbecue party, with anti-apartheid and anti-poverty friends,  at the Nelson Mandela Stadium on the very night he should be entertaining the Glasto crowd. A UK business spokesman, Giles Barking told AFL “A recent survey shows that levels of staff sickness always increase during the World Cup. In my experience the ‘bad back’ is usually the offenders’ favourite so it’s worrying that Bongo should do this. He is looked up to by several kids and should set an example.” But Giles still had time for a joke despite the serious nature of the matter . “I also should point out I’m a U2 fan,” snorted Giles “so I’m doubly disappointed” . Blimey Bono not U2.

DON’T MERK ABOUT RIO

Rio Ferdinand’s early departure from the England squad has set alarm bells ringing with the rest of his teammates and the message to their crocked captain is ‘No flamin’ merking about with our missuses’.  Gossip columnist Sheri Shellac told AFL, “Rio’s as randy as rest of the rampant lions, but the difference is, he’s back home with most of the Wags while the likes of JT and Lamps are left behind, pacing the four walls with their imaginations in their hands”.  It is thought Rio has already been in touch with one or two Wags with a view to making another of his TV prank shows ‘Rio’s World Cup Wind-Ups’.  But blonde Sheri sent out a warning to the stay-at-home Wags: “Be careful ladies, if I know Rio it might just be a front. He’s like a dog with two…” BLIMEYS!!!

LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS IT'S THE MERKMEISTER

One Comment »

  • pamtee says:

    Shockingly entertaining piece. Personally, I’ve found toff-talk a useful source of alternative invective etc.but I think it’s beltin’ that programmes like Corrie are keeping the old traditions alive!(& now am building up a vocab. of expressions in danger of extinction). Thanks, Twomowers!

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