Level with me Pete…
This World Cup’s exciting, isn’t it? Is it balls, it’s shite so far. The best thing has been the hitherto unknown antics of various music heads in South Africa, which A Fine Lung can now exclusively reveal.
Him from Kings of Leon, I forget his name, is a massive France fan. He can’t get enough of les Bleus, and cares nothing for indignant Irishmen. He went to that Glenn Miller against Uruguay and was so excited about seeing his favourite dynamic winger who sadly looks like he’s got the bad AIDS that it played havoc with his sleep pattern the night before. He tossed and turned, but all the while he was dreaming of Ribery. Turn back, it’s not too late.
Excessively Welsh crooner Mr Tom Jones is a keen gardener, and recently took the time to plant a miniature version of Wembley’s hallowed yet substandard turf in each of the England goalkeepers’ front gardens. Tom had planned to take these tiny pitches to South Africa to help Fabio, Grooverider and the lads invoke the spirit of ’66 and extend the hand of friendship across the valleys. However, over-zealous customs officials arrested Jones upon arrival on suspicion of being a Stereophonics sympathiser, which is illegal in parts of South Africa, and confiscated his seedlings. Imagine his horror as he watched the USA’s goal from his cell and cursed the absence of the Green, Green grass of home.
Finally, pint-sized cancer beater Kylie caused all kinds of trouble to the organising committee before the opening ceremony by pulling out at the last minute. Rumour has it that she had got wind of an elaborate plot to reunite her with former soap lover and balding heterosexual Jason, and was livid. FIFA pulled out all the stops and even persuaded one of the top USA players to woo her with some tinnies, the promise of a day trip to Yabbie Creek and a daring helicopter drop onto the pitch to embrace her erstwhile sweetheart before performing their smash hit duet “Especially for You” to the assembled dignitaries. Sadly, she declined, citing safety fears. She didn’t want to Landon Donovan, after all.
More hot World Cup news later, as we investigate the Daily Mail’s claim that vuvuzelas are proof if proof were needed that no good can come of the anti-apartheid movement.