Liam Voted Hardest Ever
Just one month after readers of Q Magazine voted him “greatest frontman in music history” Oasis legend Liam Gallagher has now been named “hardest frontman to ever walk the planet”.
Readers of A Fine Lung magazine* put Liam in front of stars such as Bono, John Lennon, Iggy Pop, Johnny Rotten, Mick Jagger and Morrissey and reckon the suspected former Young Guvnor could have any of them in an onstage fight.
The lead singers of all bands since music began were pitched against each other in three categories:
- Hard man walk
- Toughguy accent
- Best at looking hard in photographs
AFL spokesman Ken Shellac told us “in the walk category Liam literally walked it. Jagger’s effeminate strut doesn’t impress voters and Iggy Pop looks like he’s about to collapse. I thought Springsteen might have had a chance but someone told us he is knot-kneed, while Mercury is obviously more comfy in high heels which ain’t gonna get anyone to shit themselves. Brown and Ryder came close but their movements are more dancey. Liam’s ten-to-two feet and butt-plug-up-arse swagger blew them all out of the water”.
The tough-talking former Burnage boy also topped the hard-man voice category. Ken, 53, told us “Jagger again failed miserably in this category. His accent is inconsistent whilst being consistently softarse. He often sounds like a cross between the Charley Says cat and Kenneth Williams. Daltrey, Strummer and Rotten think they’re hard but they’re much too cosy these days. Lennon sounds like a bottle-merchant, Morrissey sounds like a ponce’s blouse and Ryder sounds like he’d rather have a toy fight than a proper off. Brown came close again but there’s just not enough menacing threat in his accent. Liam literally talked it”.
But it was the “looking hard in photographs” section where alleged former Mayne Line top lad Liam really stole the show. Said Ken “Just look at the gallery section of Liam’s Pretty Green clothing website and you’ll know what I mean, as Li would say. Most frontmen try and act the part but are often caught out by smiling or looking enigmatic but Liam’s photies literally say ‘look at these long enough and you’ll empty the entire contents of your bowels into your Calvins then curl up in a ball sucking your thumb’. There’s one pic of him sat on a scooter looking nails in his Pretty Green clobber and you just imagine him literally giving you a good desert booting on Brighton beach”.
Pretty Green, which sells parkas, polo shirts, scarves, granddad shirts and striped boating blazers, was set up by Liam because he couldn’t find the kind of gear that he would wear in normal shops.
Although Liam romped home via the 3 categories in the poll it is thought voters were heavily influenced by the general perception that rock’s bad boy is literally, rock.
“It’s clear he just doesn’t look nails he is nails” said redhead Ken. “Can you imagine what would have happened to that lad that pushed his twin brother Liam off the stage if the security firm hadn’t been there!? Let’s hope he doesn’t throw this award into the crowd like he did at the Brits!!”
Meanwhile Liam, who once threw ex-wife Patsy Kensit and Jim Kerr out of Simple Minds’s son out of his gaff, is being lined up to take over from Simon Cowell on X-Factor and is also due to host the hit satirical panel show Have I Got News For You.
Jay Kay out of Jamiroquai got no votes whatsoever in the poll.
* Because readers’ polls prove that democracy doesn’t work AFL’s Ken Shellac set up an autocratic readers’ committee consisting of him and some mates out of The Railway who have read AFL.