Mass debate at Granada
The hype about the televised debate between the leaders of the three main political parties tonight at Granada has got me thinking.
Everyone keeps going on about how politicians should be more connected to the man in the street and the political gasbags are always keen to show that they are down to earth and all that, so surely they could come up with a better way of giving them the chance to prove it than sitting them in a studio full of politics students, who’ve just spent their loans in the green room getting leathered on Snakebite.
I suggest a series of tests. Round one: Skinning up. Give Cam, Brownie and Cleggo a packet of green Rizla, 10 Regal and some squidgy black and see who rolls the best spliff. It’s a take on Saturday Kitchen’s omelette contest, if you will. My money’s on Cleggo in this round as Brownie is hindered with his bog eye and Cam would get one of his servants to do it for him. Or the lazy Etonian would use one of them ropey rolling machines that were doing the rounds a few years ago. My mam found mine once and I convinced her it was a cooking device. RESULT: Score draw (get it?)
Next up – changing a nappy. Minus points straight away for calling it a ‘diaper’. Cam will do this. As far as I know all three have kids, so they are all on an equal footing. Could go either way. Cos of their sneaky obsession with appearing to try to be environmentally friendly, Tory Cam will use one of them cloth nappies. His teflon suit will come in handy too, cos any shit flying about won’t stick to him. But he will struggle because his maid would usually carry out this task for him in real life. I reckon Gordon has changed the odd nappy in his time – he appears quite hands on and dealing with changing a baby is child’s play for the man responsible for the economy of the country. Cleggo? Does anyone really care what he does? RESULT: Brown all over the show (get it?)
Downing a pint. Again the winner would appear to be obvious. Brownie would gargle his Mann’s ale in approximately 10 seconds. His jaw drops after every sentence, because when he’s in the pub with his mates it gives him a chance to slug a whisky down his kite in between telling stories of his old shagging days. But, hold on a minute, apparently Cam was in some toff’s gang at Oxford called the Bullingdon Club, which was famous ‘on campus’ for its drinking games. These games involved dipping each other’s crown jewels into drinks and then forcing the recipient of said jewels to down the drink ‘in one’. Can’t see them drinking pints though can you? Cleggo? Who? RESULT: Brown ale (get it? these are getting worse)
The final round would appear to be a given for Cam the Man. Soggy Biscuit. For the working class readers among us, it’s a game public school boys play when they have a mass debate of a different kind in a bid to be the first to reach their peak onto a biscuit, which the slowest jibber must then eat. Cam probably played this a couple of times a day at Eton and he is an undoubted wanker, but Brownie could be a dark horse. You’ve seen the mincers on the fcker, he’s done some mass debating in his time. Cleggo? Yer wot… RESULT: Cam comes first (get it?)
I can’t be arsed adding the final result up, but I reckon they’re all as bad as each other.