Telly Guide 12/04/2010
So I sit down to write this guide with a heavy heart as i know that for the next god knows how many weeks my beloved telly-land will be over-run by baby kissers, liars and the all round shower of dicks that make up our political elite, so i too will have to get all political as i try to decide what it is I watch when to raise my foam hand when my team says the right things and when to punch the air when the laws my paper wants come to pass…. christ, let’s knuckle down once more and try to get through this shit.
i had wanted to start off with an Orwell quote, to kind of pin where i was coming from before starting on about the metaphorical hot potato of despair or whatever it is that ‘immigration’ is this week, the quote i wanted to start with was ‘Just because it’s in the telegraph doesn’t mean it’s untrue’ but i have since found out what he actually said was not really that at all so the quote is quite useless, but bear it in mind (fuck me this is hard work even by my standards) as i mention Panorama: is Britain full? (BBC 8.30pm) is on – an examination of the facts and figures apparently – it’s a difficult subject to have a view on because it seems that if we scratch the surface of any anti-immigration head, we find a racist hiding very badly, but is the country full? what constitutes full? will the programme tell me? i have no idea, i’m just a fat man that watches a lot of telly, but i do have an idea, for every poor bastard that flees their war-torn cesspit of a country, that lives for weeks in shipping containers and under lorries and manages to make it to some shit hole holding centre, let’s extradite one Banker / Estate Agent, whatever the hated job of the moment is, to their country and let’s do it with public votes live on Saturday night with Ant & Dec presenting… foam hands and Wolf from Gladiators as well please.
Anyway that’s assuming you still have a telly, so just a heads up to brick-proof your tv for Tonight: Spotlight on the leaders: David Cameron (ITV1 8pm), right now i can use an Orwell quote “Probably the battle of Waterloo was won on the playing-fields of Eton, but the opening battles of all subsequent wars have been lost there” – the irony of Orwell being an old eton boy himself is…. is anyone still reading this? – right – Saturday Night, ant & dec presenting, it’s called ‘Eton Rifles’ or ‘Eton Mess’ – foam hands, real rifles and Wolf from Gladiators please.
To round off a night of right-wing debauchery what better than Peckinpah’s thoughtful, considered (if you haven’t seen it i’m using heavyfuckingirony here) study of women and vigilantism in Straw Dogs (FIVE 11pm).
Or what about Children of Men (ITV4 11pm), a ludicrous farce of dystopian sci fantasy where, get this, the government and military forcibly round up illegal immigrants and ship them out!!! Good film this to be fair.
But Film of the Week for me is Garage (Film4 01:20). Pat Shortt (him with the ‘I shot JR’ t-shirt in Fr Ted) and anne marie duff in a beautiful film from the makers of the similarly brilliant ‘adam & paul’ – record this and watch it. Trailer Here
I’ll say this right from the start, Tuesday is grim, the fact that i even mention Tonight Spotlight on the leader – Nick Clegg (ITV1 19:30) should tell you that. Also i am reintroduced to my old dilemma, i love Gogl Bordello, but do i love them enough to sit through Later Live – With Jools Holland (BBC2 10pm) i really don’t think i can – the fact that Paul Weller and Hot Chip are on there as well only further cements my decision. I have never seen an episode of Shameless (Channel4 10pm) since series one, but i mention this as Ricky Hatton makes an appearance on tonights show – you say you won’t but i bet you do. A man From the Sun (BBC4 11pm) i don’t know anything about this other than what’s here
Christ, another day of delving deep into the TV guide and really digging for anything worth watching, but do so and you will be rewarded with Uncle Buck (ITV3 8pm) and also the TV Highlight of the week, for me anyway, will be Beautiful Minds: James Lovelock (BBC4 9pm). James Lovelock is often described as ‘outspoken’ or ‘controversial’ yet if you have ever heard him he comes across as the most laid back matter of fact man there is, with his ideas (most famously laid out in his seminal book: Gaia) of the earth as a single living organism where all aspects of biosphere interact to create one living organism…. if this all sounds like the sort of mung bean-eating nonsense that sandal-ed chorltonites discuss it’s because, IMO anyway, many of Lovelock’s ideas have been taken and misquoted as some kind of hippy nonsense, which is why, even though i don’t necessarily agree with him I always find him interesting to listen to. I will be counteracting this with either The Bourne Identity (ITV2 10pm) or Rambo III (ITV4 10pm)
This it the gloves are off, get the cans in, invite the friends round… ok maybe not, but as you all know, or will do soon enough The First Election Debate (ITV1 20:30) is on Thursday – this can’t provide anything entertaining can it – 3 nervous men nervously shuffling promising shit they don’t even believe in? Were it me, i would have ant & dec, panther from gladiators and big foam hands.. Welcome to Lagos (BBC2 9pm) more info here. Charlie Brooker is back with a new series of You have been Watching (Channel4 10pm)
Nick Drake night on BBC4 night which suits me just fine, The Songs of Nick Drake (BBC 9pm) followed by Nick Drake: a skin too few (BBC4 22:30). Were that not on, Brassed Off (More4 9pm) would be getting a repeat viewing. Frank Skinner’s Opinionated (BBC2 8pm) which is described as several comedians discussing the issues of the day – isn’t this ‘Mock the week’ with frank skinner? – christ that sounds shit – prove me wrong frank, prove me wrong. Ginger Snaps came highly recommended by Fuzzy in the comments last week, and the sequel is on this week Ginger Snaps Unleashed (BBC2 12:50) never seen it – Fuzzy – care to comment? (look at me going all interactive with me telly guide)
Doctor Who (BBC1 18:30), if you watch it you’ll watch it no matter what i say – but daleks…. i dunno, i’m not down with daleks… its a daleks episode. Bear Grylls: Mission Everest is where a couple of posh blokes buld lawnmower engines to fly over Everest, a pair of weapons of that there is no doubt, but it does make moderately entertaining telly. To be honest everything else on Saturday looks shit up until a Cushing & Lee Hammer horror The Gorgon (BBC2 2:55) – depending on results I doubt most of you will be watching telly anyway.