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Life to a ‘T’

Submitted by on April 7, 2010 – 9:41 amNo Comment

by Fraudulent

As I get older, I find myself increasingly angered by trivial stuff. I really should be able to rise above the minor irritations of life, and focus on the more important things like establishing exactly why it is that KFC gravy is so consistently inconsistent. It’s infuriating, one day it’s a solid ten on ten and the next it’s watery brown pish. Sort it, Sanders.

Anyway, what is currently grinding my gears is the inability of the majority of the media to pronounce the letter “t”. I appreciate the use of the phrase “grinding my gears” will induce similar rage amongst people, it’s a very annoying expression. I’d have stopped reading by now if I were you, it’s only going to get worse.

It’s mainly the dicks at 5live I have a problem with. I don’t know why I persist in listening to a radio station which only serves to anger me, but I find myself strangely drawn to the phone ins in the car on the way to work. They had a reshuffle a while back and I now find myself shouting at Campbell instead of Derbyshire – a grown man calling himself fucking Nicky indeed. Derbyshire at least had a mucky voice, you imagine she’d do all sorts. I do anyway. But practically to a (wo)man, none of these dicks can talk about say, Andy Murray, without calling him “Scoddish” or “Briddish”. Where are these places, Scodland and Bridain? Partridge had it right, they’re dalendless dwads, the lod of them.

I reserve special rage for Peter Allen, although this may be because he’s on when I drive home or maybe because his show is called 5livedrive. If they had to shoehorn a collection of rhyming words in, they could have at least employed someone called Clive. But if you’re familiar with Allen, not only would he claim the economy is gedding bedder or something equally shite, but he makes this kind of sneering noise all the time, as if he’s got a bit of turd on the sole of his trainers and can’t find a suitably shaped stick to scrape the tread with. The wanker.

The worst thing is, once you’ve noticed this nonsense, it only gets worse. You listen to Tyldesley next time United are on telly – Manchester Unided indeed. Not content with failing to get the fivelivedrive gig, he can’t even say the name of the team right. Imagine if we all pronounced it like that, chaos would ensue.

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