Those of us who wear pants while defecating have a much easier time, pants are on the floor out of the way, both hands free to wipe and wave around as necessary.
…….the collectivisation of arse-wiping would be open to much abuse and impracticability.

This Saturday in Malcolmses we welcome The Last Party. Described by Clint Boon as ‘The bastard child of The Stooges and The Supremes’ they’ll do for us. We’ve been trying to get them on for a while now so we’re dead happy they’re playing for us.

AFL has once again plundered the depths of journalism, using phone hacking, torture, wholesale thievery and blatant lies to exclusively reveal that the Chancellor will use Wednesday’s budget to announce that all poor people may be shot.

Press release issued at 00:01 hrs on 16 March 2012
Supporters of fan-owned, co-operative football club FC United of Manchester are celebrating today after raising over £1.6m from a community share issue to help fund a …

We are reliably informed this Chadderton Evening Chronicle ‘exclusive’ is not a spoof:

My own personal attachment started back in 2001 when I travelled via Madrid to watch Manchester United take on Valencia in the Champions League. Out of curiosity, three of our group decided to take in the UEFA Cup match between Rayo and Bordeaux, writes our man in Vallekas, Dave Bergin…

Thanks to a storming performance by their loyal supporters, who voted in droves, Salford’s Working Class Movement Library has won a public vote competition to win an artist to appear in an event in May. …

A quick search on google for the name of Saturday’s turn ‘The Montoyas’, brings up the TV show High Chaparral, a couple of naked models, a porn star and a Columbian racing driver. Don’t get your hopes/heckles up – none of these shall be appearing at Course You Can Malcolm any time soon.

Ellen persuaded Parliament to pass the 1946 School Milk Act that gave free milk to all British schoolchildren.
“Freedom is always, and exclusively, freedom for the one who thinks differently.”
She helped to establish the Dependents Aid Committee, an organisation which raised money for the families of men who were members of the International Brigade.

“PADDY Brennan fought Len Johnson under the arches at Urmston!” Eighty-odd-year-old Matt Moran was animated and certain, leaning forward in his chair, and slapping one hand down on the coffee table in his cosy flat in Little Hulton. By Stuart Brennan

A crowded room full of FC United fans waiting for a match on a Saturday afternoon can’t particularly be an easy crowd to please. By Lottie Buckley