CYCM 13/10/18: The Darlington Buds of Malcs
October 10, 2018 – 4:12 pm | No Comment | by:

Eggs. Wind. News. Arsenal’s unbeaten record in 2004. All things that are, we think you’ll agree, much better when they are broken. And what with us being a breakaway football club we tend to have …

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CYCM 13/10/18: The Darlington Buds of Malcs by:
October 10, 2018 – 4:12 pm | No Comment

Eggs. Wind. News. Arsenal’s unbeaten record in 2004. All things that are, we think you’ll agree, much better when they are broken. And what with us being a breakaway football club we tend to have a half-decent eye for things that are broken and, as if to prove a point, this Saturday at Course You Can Malcolm, we’ll be entertaining you with something that is both broken and ace. But more of that later because first we have some very important breaking news to share with you.

No, not the type of breaking news that you get on the BBC where that red banner scrolls along the bottom of the screen and your heart momentarily skips a beat before Martine Croxall picks up a piece of paper and announces that the Tories are being Tories again and are setting out their latest plans on how they intend to screw the nation at their bonding weekend in Birmingham. No, this Malcolmses breaking news is the good type of breaking news for a change.

SpennerThe eagle-eyed amongst you may have spotted the close proximity of the Steve Spencer cardboard cut-out to the tater ash server-uppers at last month’s Malcolmses. Well there is good reason for this as we can now exclusively reveal that Stu from the Bay (or SFTB as the cool kids refer to him) has acquired a gizmo off a well-known internet auction site which allows us to accurately measure out how much tater ash is being plopped into each bowl. And yes, before you ask, we’ve had it checked out and it is fully compliant with the Weights and Measures Act of 1985. We’re not daft. Anyway, this top of the range gadget is carefully hidden in Lynette’s winter hat (which is placed on Spenner’s head) and with its wifi-wizardry is able to whizz the numbers, faster than we can say “help yourselves to red cabbage”, to a tater ash spreadsheet in the office where the club’s top brass are able to monitor the profit margin, to two decimal places, on each bowl. Who said that a bunch of “lefties” couldn’t play their part in running a football club eh? Pfffttt.

Photo courtesy of Working Class Movement Library, Salford

Photo courtesy of Working Class Movement Library, Salford

But enough about us fulfilling our fiscal duties because Malcolmses is back this Saturday to welcome with you a bear-like Red embrace, nourish you physically and spiritually and hopefully put a smile on our faces in these trying times. Even factoring in the balls-up of Ten Acres Lane and all those play-offs we’ve lost down the years, last Saturday felt like the grimmest of grim Crystal-Palace-in-December-1989 afternoons. But fear not. We may be bottom of the

league, out of the FA Cup, struggling to recruit a new manager and permanently furrowing our brows over cash flow forecasts but for three hours before kick-off on Saturday you’ll be able to, once again, enjoy music, beer, food, a quiz and possibly some poetry all in the company of fellow Reds and inside your own football ground. All brought to you by the hard-grafting Malcolmses volunteers. There’ll be nothing else quite like it in a football ground in the UK or possibly even in Europe this weekend. We do alright.

Food-wise we will have the usual Westwell’s tater ash and cheese pies along with some homemade vegan loveliness prepared by one of our volunteers and more veggie hotdogs out of a kettle madness as well as possibly a cake or two to nourish you. Entertainment-wise, although we haven’t got any scouse-busting seventies United heroes for you this time round, we‘re confident that nonetheless we’ve got another line-up to sate your appetite. So read on to find out how it all might or might not pan out:

12.00 Doors open

Turnstiles will open at the St. Mary’s Road End at 12 noon for fans wishing to attend CYCM (many thanks to the volunteer making this possible). So please use these turnstiles rather than accessing the ground via the main entrance.

12.45 Si kicks things off

Stand-in MC Baz was ace last time out but our very own Weatherman is back from getting hitched and honeymooned (check your Instagram feeds kids) to once again introduce the turns at Course You Can Malcolm. Expect plenty of trademark wry observational humour and some seasonal Fjallraven.

1.20 Speaker to be confirmed

Not a definite at this stage unfortch but as soon as we know more we’ll update you.

1.50 Quiz (Karl Ladley)

CYCM’s resident quizmaster Karl Ladley is back to test our knowledge of FC United related matters and other stuff. Last time the answers included former Southport (our opponents that day) residents Peter Davenport and Red Rum so it’s probably worth swotting up on ex-United players and/or Grand National winners that have lived in Darlo. The winning team scored 9 out of 10 last time so if you fancy getting your mitts on a top prize then as Roy Maurice once said before an important competition “fail to prepare, prepare to fail”.

2.15 OK Broken

OK BrokenDown the years we’ve been well served at Malcolmses by bands with unassuming names like Slow Readers Club and Cabbage that eschew fast-paced detective novels and leafier vegetables for less shouty pursuits. At CYCM we also prefer to get stuff done and done well without straying into trumpet blowing territory and we admire this trait in our musical guests – Noel Gallagher and his High Flying Tories deffo won’t be on the guest list any time soon.

So we’re delighted to announce that the suitably self-effacing OK Broken will be playing for us at Malcolmses this Saturday. If you haven’t heard of them already, they’re a hotly tipped three piece indie rock band from Oldham featuring Gaz Wright on vocals and guitar, Phil McArdle on bass and Alex Whitehead on drums and list a wide range of musical influences from heavy rock to R&B. The success of self-funded singles such as Waiting in Line and Dying Soul has been followed-up with a trio of recent releases, like Ground Control, that listeners to FCUM Radio may already be familiar with and they recently played at the Manchester Creative Collective event at Night People in town as well as a festival in Blackpool last month. They like their clobber too and recently signed a sponsorship deal with a leading mod clothing retailer. But regardless of whether or not you have a fetish for fishtail parkas we think you’ll like OK Broken. They’re OK with us.

3.00 Our red-shirted heroes take to the field to do battle with Darlington

We’ve never beaten Darlington before and, on current form, they probably won’t exactly be quaking (geddit?) at the prospect of playing us at the moment but having been fed, watered and culturally replenished, let’s raise the roof and see if we can cheer the lads on to a much needed three points. Or a point, let’s not get carried away.

Sounds alright doesn’t it? We’ve said it before but we really are lucky to be able to enjoy such talent and creativity for freemans, all within the bosom of our very own football ground. And we’ll possibly have other stuff going on if time allows. Hopefully we’ll see you there. Till then….

 

CYCM’s home is under the St Mary’s Road End terrace and entrance is free, just head to the turnstiles at the St Mary’s Road End of the ground but try and get there as early as possible as we’re anticipating that, once again, it will be busy. We’ll be located about two-thirds of the way down the SMRE and there will be no partitioning in place. So if you’ve never been to CYCM before and are curious to find out what it’s all about then please feel free to join us and have a nosey – the more the merrier, the rest of us will just have to shuffle up a bit. Usual rules apply: no divviness or nuclear weapons or prancing uneasily to the music of Abba. Refugees welcome.

In seventy seven it was Docherty, in twenty eighteen it’s the SMRE…
September 4, 2018 – 2:39 pm | No Comment | by:
In seventy seven it was Docherty, in twenty eighteen it’s the SMRE…

Unless you’ve been holed up in a darkened room avoiding the Mancunian heat this summer it surely can’t have escaped your notice that changes have been afoot under the St Mary’s Road End terrace as …

Making friends, not millionaires
August 17, 2018 – 7:49 pm | No Comment | by:
Making friends, not millionaires

A piece from a recent edition of FC United of Manchester’s matchday programme on the club’s work in developing participation in sporting and other activities in the local community during 2017-18…
Some supporters may be unaware …

Slow Readers, ace musicians (yes we have used a very similar headline before, so what?)
May 10, 2018 – 12:18 pm | No Comment | by:
Slow Readers, ace musicians (yes we have used a very similar headline before, so what?)

The Slow Readers Club have this week released their third album and are finally getting a bit of ‘attention’ from people other than music fans in Manchester.
Course You Can Malcolm, the club night in the …

CYCM 11/05/18: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Callow
May 7, 2018 – 5:18 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 11/05/18: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Callow

CYCM returns to the function room at Broadhurst Park on the evening of Friday 11 May with something old, something new, something borrowed and … something blue.
One of our favourite turns from our Gigg …

Munich, Jimmy Murphy and the Suez Crisis
February 6, 2018 – 1:10 am | No Comment | by:
Munich, Jimmy Murphy and the Suez Crisis

On arrival at the ground Murphy thought briefly how quiet the place seemed compared to normal and headed to his office. It was only when there that the dreadful news was relayed to him by Alma George, his secretary.

Your song. Munich 60 years on
February 4, 2018 – 1:33 pm | No Comment | by:
Your song. Munich 60 years on

By John Ludden
Ever since British European Flight 609 careered off the end of Munich runway and killed outright seven Manchester United footballers and many other poor souls on board, the amount of tears shed for …

Long shadow still falls on us all, 60 years on
February 1, 2018 – 11:26 am | No Comment | by:
Long shadow still falls on us all, 60 years on

Next weekend, a crowd will gather outside Old Trafford, as it always does before the home match nearest the anniversary, to remember the 23 people who died, 60 years since that European Cup tie against Red Star Belgrade.

City’s owners: Sheikhs, lies and videotapes
January 11, 2018 – 7:51 pm | No Comment | by:
City’s owners: Sheikhs, lies and videotapes

Now that Manchester City look to be on the brink of an era of domination, at least in England, it’s perhaps time to take another look at who is really behind this project and why.

NEW YEAR’S EVE IS SHITE! – THE STARTLING TRUTH
December 31, 2017 – 10:18 pm | 2 Comments | by:
NEW YEAR’S EVE IS SHITE! – THE STARTLING TRUTH

A new survey has revealed shocking evidence that could put an end to the world’s biggest party and make millions of revellers look completely stupid.
Professor Solomon Shellac of Manchester University has finally published the results …

CHRISTMAS IS SHITE – IT’S OFFICIAL
December 25, 2017 – 6:00 am | No Comment | by:
CHRISTMAS IS SHITE – IT’S OFFICIAL

A new study by a leading Manchester University professor and his team has proved what all Christians feared – that Christmas is shite. Dr. Solomon Shellac of UMIST made the startling discovery after researching all …

Frenzy
December 22, 2017 – 1:06 pm | No Comment | by:
Frenzy

I went to Asda to buy my Christmas crap, chocolate, biscuits, Hummus and booze, a traditional Christmas feast. And also tea bags. However, I had to literally fight my way to the tea bags, ram a path to the chocolate, bludgeon my way down the biscuit isle and mount an armed assault in the bread isle.

Survey reveals that Christmas is shite
December 16, 2017 – 7:11 am | No Comment | by:
Survey reveals that Christmas is shite

A new study by a leading Manchester University professor and his team has proved what all Christians feared – that Christmas is shite. Dr. Solomon Shellac of UMIST made the startling discovery after researching all …

Older reds swap derby memories
December 11, 2017 – 8:06 pm | No Comment | by:
Older reds swap derby memories

From the Daily Telegraph:
Derek Gardner remembers the 1955 Manchester derby like it was yesterday. Or, rather, he remembers the build-up to the game.
“I was out on the town and ended up in a club in …

A time for giving, and that…
December 7, 2017 – 10:21 pm | No Comment | by:
A time for giving, and that…

From The Non League Paper:

The season of goodwill is here and FC United of Manchester are getting in on the act once again as they get set to open the doors at Broadhurst Park to …

Red Rebels – an excerpt
December 7, 2017 – 6:03 pm | No Comment | by:
Red Rebels – an excerpt

FC United founder and former AFL contributor JP O’Neill has written a book about Manchester’s battles with the Glazers and the subsequent football club that rose amongst the flames. And then imploded somewhat. Red Rebels …

Kenny Ball and his J*zzmen
December 5, 2017 – 5:55 pm | No Comment | by:
Kenny Ball and his J*zzmen

It’s a well established political fact that Kenny Ball, from Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen, despises Nigel Winterburn with an intensity rarely seen in the jazz world. Both modern and acid. Knowing this, I contacted …

CYCM 02/12/17: He’s Here, He’s There, Bring Your Thermal Underwear
November 28, 2017 – 10:36 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 02/12/17: He’s Here, He’s There, Bring Your Thermal Underwear

If you’ve dedicated your life to eleven ball-chasing men, chances are you’ll know it gets a bit taters watching them in the autumn and winter months. Not quite Jose Mourinho leaving Bastian Schweinsteiger off his …

Ice Breaker
November 21, 2017 – 8:26 am | No Comment | by:
Ice Breaker

Training days can be a mixed blessing. On the one hand you get to spend the day drinking tea, eating biscuits and chatting to your workmates, which is always better than working. However, on the …

Don’t cry for me Margentina
November 21, 2017 – 8:15 am | No Comment | by:
Don’t cry for me Margentina

After years of Fergie seemingly being at war with everyone and everything it made a pleasant change to have a sound, easy going and humble bloke in charge of our football team.

CYCM 28/10/17: Oh, Broadhurst Park is Wonderful, it’s Full of Holt, Holt’s and United….
October 25, 2017 – 10:45 am | No Comment | by:
CYCM 28/10/17: Oh, Broadhurst Park is Wonderful, it’s Full of Holt, Holt’s and United….

The history books don’t tell us if Joseph Holt ever met the Hyde brothers, Ralph and Alfred, and they certainly don’t tell us if they ended up scrapping. For this preview’s sake though, let’s just …