CYCM 26/11/16: Nuneaton Mess
by: J. Walter Weatherman
Typical, innit? You wait months for a game against Nuneaton, and then two come along at once. Like buses, except the wait from last year’s game to the previous Saturday’s was eleven months, meaning if you’ve ever waited that long for a bus there’s a certain chumpiness about you. Though spending just shy of a year at a bus stop without dying from hunger/exposure/Jehovah’s Witness over-leafleting does also mark you out as a survivor. But in essence still a chump, particularly as you could have gone back home, had a Bakewell Tart and a hot Vimto, or even just walked to your destination.
Regardless of hypothetical chump scenarios however, the cold, stark reality is the FA’s Trophy balls left us in a mess (ooer) and pitted us against Nuneaton for the second time in a week. You can either take the old adage of familiarity breeds contempt literally and stay at home in a Nuneaton-free environment, or you can come along to Moston to witness one vital difference from the previous week: there’ll be some music and stuff going on in the Main Stand.
Yep, that’s right, music and stuff can only mean one thing: Course You Can Malcolm returns once again to nourish you physically and spiritually, and sustain you through these dark wintery days. And as an added bonus, it’s a cup game rather than a league game, with all the added drama and spice that comes with sudden death, knock-out competition (And yes, I know it could always be a draw and go to a replay, but no-one wants that. Why would you want a third game against Nuneaton in such a short space of time anyway? If you love Nuneaton so much why don’t you marry them?)
So what to expect from such a heady mix of sustenance and drama? Well for a start, thirst quenching and appetite satiating mainstays such as beverages alcoholic and none, food from the FC kitchens and volunteer supplied sweet treats. If that covers your ingestion needs, then we also have your intellectual divertissement needs covered with guests ready to turn the status quo on its head and treat you to non-footballing entertainment. In a football ground. Yes, you read correctly: non-footballing entertainment in a ruddy football ground. Read on to find out how this status quo head turning is scheduled to pan out:
11:00 The Oddies arrive in Moston and begin the task of making the bar look fancier than a fondant. Last time a harsh lesson was learnt when Pound Shop acquired duct tape lived up to its false economy reputation and dropped flags on heads and in pints all afternoon. Will the lesson be heeded? Depends if we can remember where we keep the good tape….
12:00 Doors Open
1:20 Speaker: TBC. Not a definite at this stage unfortch, but as soon as we know more, we’ll update you
1:45 The not-so welcome return of audience participation with a topical quiz
2:00 Marvin Cheeseman: performance poetry, stand-up and maybe even a dig or two at the blue minority of our fair city
2:30 Carousel Clouds: Indie, shoegazing psych- so wear your best footwear
3:00 Alien vs Predator 2? Nah, something much better than that: FC United vs Nuneaton 2: The Nuneatoning
As you probably know, here at CYCM Towers we like to keep our fingers on the pulse when it comes to modern affairs. And what better way to share that knowledge with our audience than a quiz? You may have noticed there’s an orange, tiny-handed man taking over in the White House soon, and to keep Malcolms regulars engaged with the news and modern politics we’ll be running a Donald Trump themed quiz. The premise is simple: eleven quotes supposedly from Donald Trump will be read out, but only one will be a genuine quote, with it falling to the audience to identify the real one. Easy? Well if you’re familiar with the sort of brain farts and verbal follow-throughs he regularly has, perhaps not. Entitled ‘Trump or Fart?’, this is a quiz you just can’t afford to not be a part of. Honest.
If Donald Trump quotes leave you feeling like you want to cry however, don’t worry, because the following turn will more than make up for it. A lot is made of the ‘Marvel Extended Universe’ these days, with superhero films being released seemingly every other week, but who needs any of that when we have Cheeseman from the Marvin Extended Universe? Marvin Cheeseman to be precise, a poet and comedian we’re delighted to have perform for us, especially as there won’t be any spandex in sight (possibly). If you’re unfamiliar with him, then this is what he has to say about himself:
“My name is Marvin Cheeseman, I come from one of the world’s coolest and most beautiful cities: Manchester, and I say that without a hint of irony, just check the place out for yourself. I am a “performance poet” forward slash stand-up comic and I have gigged in various parts of the country, from Ashby de la Zouche to Salford.
I am lucky enough to have my work published by The Bad Press: a book entitled “Full Metal Jacket Potato” and a boxed set of limericks “Making Prawn Sandwiches for Roy Keane.” and my latest book called “We hate it when our ex-lodgers become successful”. “
Marvin’s not to be missed, as you can see for yourself if you visit his website here.
If Marvin wasn’t enough, we’re currently experiencing kipper levels of giddiness at the thought of Carousel Clouds providing the day’s musical entertainment. Comprising of Tamsin Middleton (vocals), Neil Meehan (guitar, vocals), Ben Mulvey (keyboards, vocals), Matt Anderson (drums) and Dickon Kyme-Wright (guitar), they say about themselves: “A love of The Mars Volta, Lanterns on the Lake and Spiritualized unites this band of experienced musicians”. They’ve taken time out from recording their first album to play for us, and you can expect some alternative shoegazing/psyche loveliness.
No stranger to Malcolms, Neil has actually played for us before with his previous band Optional Wallace. He also writes the music column Transmission for United We Stand, which therefore makes him a music loving Red. Sounds like Neil and the band will fit right in, so make sure you get yourselves down and enjoy the delights they’ll have to offer. To find out more about the band and what they sound like, have yourself a shufty at their website.
So you’ve got over the thought of Nuneaton Déjà vu. You’re prepared to leave the house and face the cold. Your reward? All that stuff I’ve just been banging on about. Sounds alright doesn’t it? If you agree, then hopefully we’ll see you there. Till then….
Quick reminder: CYCM’s new home is in the Main Stand bar. We’ll have two thirds of the room, but if you’ve just read all this and think it sounds bobbins, then one end of the room will be partitioned off so you can enjoy a pint in peace. Once you’re in the ground, entrance to CYCM is free, just head to the Main Stand (through the turnstiles if you come after 1), but try and get there as early as possible (come in through the main entrance and up the stairs if you arrive before the turnstiles open), as we’re anticipating it’s going to get busy.