Survey reveals that Christmas is shite
December 16, 2017 – 7:11 am | No Comment | by:

A new study by a leading Manchester University professor and his team has proved what all Christians feared – that Christmas is shite. Dr. Solomon Shellac of UMIST made the startling discovery after researching all …

Read the full story »
Headline

Featured

Football

Music

Magazine

Featured, Headline »

Survey reveals that Christmas is shite by:
December 16, 2017 – 7:11 am | No Comment

Santa at Primark in town

A new study by a leading Manchester University professor and his team has proved what all Christians feared – that Christmas is shite. Dr. Solomon Shellac of UMIST made the startling discovery after researching all aspects of the popular annual holiday that celebrates the birth of the baby Jesus.

“We studied Christmas, or, as we say in the team, Xmas for 12 months and came to the conclusion that it is complete shite as is everything related to it from Santa Claus (Father Christmas) to the virgin Mary (Jesus’s mam), all bollocks the lot of it”, said Shellac. “When you’re a kid it might be o.k., especially if you’re a rich kid. You get toys and selection boxes and life seems good, you might have to go to boring church but it’s usually a price worth paying at that age. But then you get older and everyone wants your money and your kids are mithering for stuff and they make you replace perfectly good tellies for new plasmas and lcds and everyone gets pissed and your missus starts snoggin strangers”.

But top Christians have hit back at Shellac’s study. The Reverend Travis Bickle of Chigley described the study as ridiculous. “Professor Solomon is talking with his cock out”, the man of the cloth told us. “Christmas is a joyful time, a time of giving, with logs on the fire and gifts on the tree, a time to rejoice in the good that we see, a time for living, a time for believing, a time for trusting no deceiving, love and laughter and joy ever after.”

However Shellac accused the clergy of looking after their own interests: “That cunt would say that wouldn’t he, vicars and their other bible bashing mates just want the work it brings, they wouldn’t vote for the abolition of Xmas just like turkeys wouldn’t vote to keep it.”

WHAT THE SURVEY REVEALED

SHELLAC ON…

Father Christmas. A load of shite. There’s no need for him anymore when you can just shop on the internet. It might have been a good idea when toys were made of wood but are you seriously telling me that Santa’s elves make playstations and mobile phones?

Mistletoe. What a load of old bollocks. It’s a parasite plant for a start and anyone who uses it to snog other people’s missuses or daughters is a desperate perv cunt.

The Nativity. Utter shite. Made up story about a virgin getting tubbed – yeah there’s loads of them in Harpurhey too. Anyway when Jesus grew up he got on every fooker’s nerves so they ended up crucifying him.

Christmas Cards. What a racket. If anyone sends me a Christmas card I get my magic marker out, write fuck off on it then send it back to them – I call it my festive fuck off tablet. Cards are for insecure twats.

Food and Drink. I like getting pissed and having a good nosebag just like the next bloke but the way people indulge at Xmas is fooking ridic. Some of the fat cunts need an extra arsehole drilling to cope with the excess and those wankers that can’t handle their ale.

Carols. Boooorring. No one like carols or carol singers. Mithering beggar twats.

A spokesman for Manchester University told AFL that Professor Shellac was unknown to them and that UMIST ceased to exist in 2004. “They would say that wouldn’t they” was Shellac’s response. “Fucking miserable cunts”.

- Shamelessly republished from years ago cos we are lazy cunts who can’t be arsed with new material.

Older reds swap derby memories
December 11, 2017 – 8:06 pm | No Comment | by:
Older reds swap derby memories

From the Daily Telegraph:
Derek Gardner remembers the 1955 Manchester derby like it was yesterday. Or, rather, he remembers the build-up to the game.
“I was out on the town and ended up in a club in …

A time for giving, and that…
December 7, 2017 – 10:21 pm | No Comment | by:
A time for giving, and that…

From The Non League Paper:

The season of goodwill is here and FC United of Manchester are getting in on the act once again as they get set to open the doors at Broadhurst Park to …

Red Rebels – an excerpt
December 7, 2017 – 6:03 pm | No Comment | by:
Red Rebels – an excerpt

FC United founder and former AFL contributor JP O’Neill has written a book about Manchester’s battles with the Glazers and the subsequent football club that rose amongst the flames. And then imploded somewhat. Red Rebels …

Kenny Ball and his J*zzmen
December 5, 2017 – 5:55 pm | No Comment | by:
Kenny Ball and his J*zzmen

It’s a well established political fact that Kenny Ball, from Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen, despises Nigel Winterburn with an intensity rarely seen in the jazz world. Both modern and acid. Knowing this, I contacted …

CYCM 02/12/17: He’s Here, He’s There, Bring Your Thermal Underwear
November 28, 2017 – 10:36 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 02/12/17: He’s Here, He’s There, Bring Your Thermal Underwear

If you’ve dedicated your life to eleven ball-chasing men, chances are you’ll know it gets a bit taters watching them in the autumn and winter months. Not quite Jose Mourinho leaving Bastian Schweinsteiger off his …

Ice Breaker
November 21, 2017 – 8:26 am | No Comment | by:
Ice Breaker

Training days can be a mixed blessing. On the one hand you get to spend the day drinking tea, eating biscuits and chatting to your workmates, which is always better than working. However, on the …

Don’t cry for me Margentina
November 21, 2017 – 8:15 am | No Comment | by:
Don’t cry for me Margentina

After years of Fergie seemingly being at war with everyone and everything it made a pleasant change to have a sound, easy going and humble bloke in charge of our football team.

CYCM 28/10/17: Oh, Broadhurst Park is Wonderful, it’s Full of Holt, Holt’s and United….
October 25, 2017 – 10:45 am | No Comment | by:
CYCM 28/10/17: Oh, Broadhurst Park is Wonderful, it’s Full of Holt, Holt’s and United….

The history books don’t tell us if Joseph Holt ever met the Hyde brothers, Ralph and Alfred, and they certainly don’t tell us if they ended up scrapping. For this preview’s sake though, let’s just …

Take Back Manchester Festival 2017 – #ToriesOut
September 29, 2017 – 8:00 am | No Comment | by:
Take Back Manchester Festival 2017 – #ToriesOut

Five days of demonstrations, cultural events, rallies, comedy, music and public meetings will take place all across Manchester to protest the Conservative Party conference from 30 September – 4 October 2017 including a major national demonstration the day the Conservative Party Conference opens on Sunday 1 October.

Kick It Out?
September 20, 2017 – 7:33 pm | No Comment | by:
Kick It Out?

By Johny Helzapopin
In a week where Romelu Lukaku has scored again for Manchester United, continuing his blistering form since his arrival from Everton, off-field issues have overshadowed what all United fans should be focusing …

Red Rebels – A book review
September 15, 2017 – 5:18 pm | No Comment | by:
Red Rebels – A book review

Roughly two-thirds of the way through Red Rebels: The Glazers and the FC Revolution the tone of the book changes from a rollicking, scarf twirling love story imbued with Mancunian rebelliousness to almost Private Eye …

Remit to the bored – CYCM 02.09.2017
August 31, 2017 – 11:26 am | No Comment | by:
Remit to the bored – CYCM 02.09.2017

Course You Can Malcolm returns to Broadhurst Park in the new surroundings of the SMRE Bar this Saturday before the match with Leamington between 12 noon and 3pm featuring the author of a new book on the Glazer takeover and FC United, plus two music acts and a talk about the club’s new disabled supporters group.

Spirit, patience, gentleness
August 16, 2017 – 6:20 am | One Comment | by:
Spirit, patience, gentleness

‘Spirit, Patience, Gentleness,
All that can adorn and bless
Art thou – let deeds, not words, express
Thine exceeding loveliness.

Light in the wheat fields…
July 22, 2017 – 9:19 am | No Comment | by:
Light in the wheat fields…

“Fuck off you fucking pervs”, the skinny peeing girl screamed at us. “You having a shit?” someone said. Standing up and rearranging her attire, she replied, “No, I’m not fucking having a shit, you fucking pervs, I was fucking pissing”. She was a lovely girl as it turned out, from Blackley. She guided us to the field.

You can keep your privates away from me, thank you very much
July 11, 2017 – 8:50 pm | 2 Comments | by:
You can keep your privates away from me, thank you very much

Having never given it a second thought, mainly down to having the NHS and therefore not needing it, private healthcare was something I’d never been intimately acquainted with. That all changed a few years back …

Bevan knows I’m miserable now
July 7, 2017 – 10:01 am | No Comment | by:
Bevan knows I’m miserable now

I still have debts from a decade ago when my wife’s mother had to undergo treatment for cancer in a country that doesn’t have free-to-access health care. My wife spent most of the first two years of our marriage over there nursing her, while my part-time wage, credit cards and personal loans were stretched to pay for treatment.

Now I can go into any company – Make July 5 NHS Day
July 6, 2017 – 7:34 am | No Comment | by:
Now I can go into any company – Make July 5 NHS Day

For the first time every man woman and child in the country could see a doctor and get the help they needed no matter their ability to pay for medical care.

STP me if you think you’ve heard this one before
July 6, 2017 – 7:30 am | No Comment | by:
STP me if you think you’ve heard this one before

We’d had enough of the relentless “private sector good, public sector bad” market-based twaddle that had infused health policy for more than two decades – it was time to stand up and be counted

We were makin’ love by Wednesday…
July 5, 2017 – 7:28 am | No Comment | by:
We were makin’ love by Wednesday…

Today a three-day strike by hospital workers defending their right to acceptable conditions and pay has begun. They are striking against Serco, a multi-billion pound global company that won the contract to supply cleaners, porters and other staff to hospitals in London. Serco’s CEO is Winston Churchill’s grandson. Our solidarity with Serco workers is absolute.

You can polish a turd…
July 3, 2017 – 7:30 am | No Comment | by:
You can polish a turd…

They later discovered that the kind elderly man, with time on his hands, had lay in his bed and very carefully sucked all the chocolate off his maltesers.