CYCM 28/09/19: What freedom really means
September 25, 2019 – 6:26 pm | No Comment | by:

This week we welcome back to Course You Can Malcolm poet Oliver Lomax and MaD Theatre Company. They’ll be treating us to a very special performance of three poems written to commemorate Peterloo. This is …

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CYCM 12/10/19: Stanleys, Peaches & Herb by:
October 8, 2019 – 6:34 pm | No Comment

Back when everything was in black and white, and liver and tripe was served for tea every night, people looked ahead to the year 2000 fully expecting flying cars, robot housemaids and intergalactic war with the planet Znorkle. As we now know of, course, that turned out to be a load of misguided guff, the-jetsonsto the point where, to our worldly and sophisticated 2019 eyes, 2000 looks all quaint, folksy and innocent. Back then, we were yet to be spied on by that little grass, Alexa, streaming was something your nose did in the winter, and you could still win a European cup without claiming it was because your gegenpressing was high and your trequartista was erm, good at trequartistering, or something.

It was also a world free of the malign influence of the social media giants that have us permanently glued to our smartphone screens as they do today. However, whilst back then we could live without wondering how many ‘likes’ our picture of a smashed avocado and vegan halloumi brunch got, it did turn out to be year zero for social media, thanks to the Facebook of its day, Friends Reunited.

UnitedDesigned as a way to reconnect with lost acquaintances, things quickly turned sour when users cottoned on to the fact they could stalk their exes and see who from school had gotten fat and bald. That, coupled with the advent of Facebook, saw the site go the same way as Myspace and eventually end belly up. Plus, and most importantly, it was actually dead divvy, so it was never really going to last. What isn’t divvy however, is the United Reunited day the club have planned this Saturday, designed as a way to show all Reds, regardless of where they watch their football, that there are more things that unite us, than divide us, including (but not exclusive to) hatred of a certain Florida based family.

With that in mind, if you’re thinking of coming along for the first time to FC this Saturday, read on to see why being reunited feels so good:

1.00 Doors open, though to be fair, we’re hardly going to stop you if you arrive at 12:59, so don’t feel like you have to hang around outside if you get here early

1.45 The king of all quizmasters, George Irwell

2.00 We may have something else lined up, we may not, either way, keep your eyes peeled for updates on Twitter

2.30 Stanleys (see below)

3.00 There’s a good chance we’ll see a team playing in red, white and black not only get a few shots on target, put possibly score, and maybe even get three points, which is something of novelty these days (sadly)

Music-wise this week, we’re delighted to introduce Wigan four-piece, Stanleys. Citing The Smiths, The Stone Roses, The Beach Boys and The Beatles as their influences, the band (who are all aged between nineteen and twenty), have been together and honing their craft for the last couple of Stanleys-headeryears now. Their last release, The Martyr, is on Spotify, so now you know where it is, you really have no excuses for not downloading it (seriously, get on it). They’ve also got a new single due out in six weeks, A Better Life, so if you fancy a listen, make sure you come on down. To top it all off, one of the band has been to FC a few times with his Dad, meaning the red reuniting even extends to this week’s turn…. To get even more of a flavour of the band, have a ganders here and here.

On top of all this, the Caravan of Grub will be in its usual home, bathed in the warm yet syncopated glow of our disco lights, all the while serving Vegan Ronay’s homemade delights, Westwell’s tater ash and cheese and onion pies, and possibly the usual array of Librarian-baked sweet treats. Beverages both alcoholic and non, will also be available, as always, from the bar (because, where else did you think they’d be?).

Regardless of where you found yourself once the dust had settled post-May 2005, if you’re Red, unhappy with the Glazers and their chinless puppet, and find yourself at a loose end, then you’re more than welcome to join us this Saturday. Go on….

Love is the licensee: If it’s your first time at Malcolms, or you’ve developed amnesia since we were last on, then you’ll find us in the St. Mary’s Road End. Once you’re through the turnstiles, go underneath the terracing, and walk down until you see a whopping big stage, badly affixed flags, and slightly disheveled looking volunteers. If there’s also a lovely whiff of food in the air, then you’ll know you’re in the right place. Entrance to CYCM is completely freemans, with the usual rules applying: no divviness, weapons of mass destruction or anyone who’s ever put a good word in for Jennifer Arcuri. Refugees welcome.

CYCM 28/09/19: What freedom really means
September 25, 2019 – 6:26 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 28/09/19: What freedom really means

This week we welcome back to Course You Can Malcolm poet Oliver Lomax and MaD Theatre Company. They’ll be treating us to a very special performance of three poems written to commemorate Peterloo. This is …

CYCM 21/09/19: Cry Me Three Rivers
September 18, 2019 – 6:30 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 21/09/19: Cry Me Three Rivers

This week’s turn, The Crying Beauty Queens, hail from Stockport, Clitheroe and Stoke. If Stoke was a plural that would sound like a firm of solicitors, wouldn’t it? Just as well it isn’t, because Stokes …

CYCM 07/09/19: One Notion Under A Groove
September 4, 2019 – 6:06 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 07/09/19: One Notion Under A Groove

Been a lovely, world-turned-upside-down, few days hasn’t it. The Tory party tearing itself apart. FC United winning a football match at Broadhurst Park and scoring four goals in the process. Plant pots, hay bales and …

CYCM 24/08/19: When the Seadogs Follow the Footballer(s)
August 20, 2019 – 6:04 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 24/08/19: When the Seadogs Follow the Footballer(s)

There was an interesting news story (if you’re that way inclined) on the telly the other day about the increasing voracity of seagulls. It appears these mainstays of seaside resorts are getting cockier and narkier, …

Spirit, patience, gentleness
August 16, 2019 – 6:20 am | One Comment | by:
Spirit, patience, gentleness

‘Spirit, Patience, Gentleness,
All that can adorn and bless
Art thou – let deeds, not words, express
Thine exceeding loveliness.

Covers story: Issue one
August 10, 2019 – 9:20 am | No Comment | by:
Covers story: Issue one

The release date of the first ever AFLM:SPG was timed by accident, as the first FC United home game of the 2008-9 season was on the anniversary of the Peterloo Massacre. August 16th.

CYCM 20/07/19: Do You Remember The First Time?
July 17, 2019 – 4:26 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 20/07/19: Do You Remember The First Time?

It was when the bus pulled into Leigh and we saw all the familiar faces milling about that we started to feel optimistic. 16 July 2005, a sunny day at the wrong end of the …

CYCM 13/04/2019: Zangwills ‘n’ Thrills But No Bellyaches
April 10, 2019 – 8:41 am | No Comment | by:
CYCM 13/04/2019: Zangwills ‘n’ Thrills But No Bellyaches

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines force of will as ‘the ability to continue trying despite difficulties’, and when you see it carried out in all its proud, straining glory, it’d take the most awkwardest of gets to …

CYCM 30/03/19: Fine Young Decibels
March 28, 2019 – 6:14 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 30/03/19: Fine Young Decibels

It seems every man, woman and their dog has an opinion when it comes to youth. Oscar Wilde, for example, displayed his through his commentary on aestheticism in The Picture of Dorian Gray, which saw the …

CYCM 16/03/19: Synth You’ve Been Gone
March 13, 2019 – 2:56 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 16/03/19: Synth You’ve Been Gone

It may come as something of a surprise to you all, but we’re no fans of the Daily Express here at CYCM Towers (we say ‘towers’; a dilapidated shed with a faded Percy Thrower poster …

CYCM 02/03/19: Only girls and football break your heart
February 28, 2019 – 2:02 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 02/03/19: Only girls and football break your heart

We’ve got some proper culinary treats lined up for you this week. Vegan Ronay is preparing Veg Mex, or vegan tacos, while for the traditionalists among you Stu will be serving up Westwell’s legendary tater …

CYCM 16/02/19: East meets Westwell’s
February 13, 2019 – 6:11 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 16/02/19: East meets Westwell’s

First things first, a big thank you to everyone who came along to CYCM last week. We were a bit nervous, to be honest: we know none of you really tiptoed through the Kippax in …

CYCM 09/02/19: Maitland Season Begins in Earnest
February 6, 2019 – 1:57 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 09/02/19: Maitland Season Begins in Earnest

Spring: what a time of year to be human. You get to kiss goodbye to the long johns, the melancholy that envelopes you as the sun dips before tea time disappears, and your olfactory nerves …

Munich, Jimmy Murphy and the Suez Crisis
February 6, 2019 – 1:10 am | No Comment | by:
Munich, Jimmy Murphy and the Suez Crisis

On arrival at the ground Murphy thought briefly how quiet the place seemed compared to normal and headed to his office. It was only when there that the dreadful news was relayed to him by Alma George, his secretary.

CYCM 26/01/19: Two Beers Resolution
January 22, 2019 – 3:49 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 26/01/19: Two Beers Resolution

A new year. A fresh opportunity. The chance to tear it all up and start again. You’re gonna start going to the gym aren’t you? Always fancied a six pack. You’re gonna be more organised …

NEW YEAR’S EVE IS SHITE! – THE STARTLING TRUTH
December 31, 2018 – 11:58 am | 2 Comments | by:
NEW YEAR’S EVE IS SHITE! – THE STARTLING TRUTH

A new survey has revealed shocking evidence that could put an end to the world’s biggest party and make millions of revellers look completely stupid.
Professor Solomon Shellac of Manchester University has finally published the results …

Anthropocene
December 30, 2018 – 10:43 am | No Comment | by:
Anthropocene

The Anthropocene, what is it? Where is it? And can you eat it? These burning questions lay heavy on the minds of the population. In the long tradition of this journal’s love of strange and …

CHRISTMAS IS SHITE – IT’S OFFICIAL
December 24, 2018 – 3:36 pm | No Comment | by:
CHRISTMAS IS SHITE – IT’S OFFICIAL

A new study by a leading Manchester University professor and his team has proved what all Christians feared – that Christmas is shite. Dr. Solomon Shellac of UMIST made the startling discovery after researching all …

CYCM 15-12-18: 1512 Overture
December 12, 2018 – 6:21 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 15-12-18: 1512 Overture

Christmas tunes are mostly bobbins aren’t they. Wham, Cliff Richard, Mariah Carey, Shakin’ bloody Stevens, to name but a few, played on a seemingly never ending loop in shops, pubs and on the wireless from …

KYKM 08/12/18: Kris Kringle All The Way
December 4, 2018 – 6:19 pm | No Comment | by:
KYKM 08/12/18: Kris Kringle All The Way

Here’s a fun game for you all: name a person more famous than Father Christmas. Go on, I’ll just nip to the kitchen, make a brew and check if that slightly pongy pack of ham …