CYCM 11/05/18: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Callow
May 7, 2018 – 5:18 pm | No Comment | by:

CYCM returns to the function room at Broadhurst Park on the evening of Friday 11 May with something old, something new, something borrowed and … something blue.
One of our favourite turns from our Gigg …

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Slow Readers, ace musicians (yes we have used a very similar headline before, so what?) by:
May 10, 2018 – 12:18 pm | No Comment

Slowreaders

The Slow Readers Club have this week released their third album and are finally getting a bit of ‘attention’ from people other than music fans in Manchester.

Course You Can Malcolm, the club night in the afternoon that takes place before some FC United of Manchester games, had the privilege of hosting them back in 2012. Yes, 2012. That is six years ago. They were great then, as they are now. The always-on-the-pulse Manchester Evening News named them ‘best breakthrough act’ this year. That is 2018. We are not sure what they broke through. Maybe they were too slow reading a road sign and ploughed through some of those plastic hurdle-type things they put up when people are working in the road? Maybe they did it outside the Evening News’ office in Oldham and that’s when they realised who they were?

Since that appearance in Bury FC’s weird ‘side bar’, they have gone on to release two other albums, get signed by the Modern Sky UK label and sold out The Albert Hall in town.

Their new album is called Build a Tower and it is ace. Further details about the band, all United fans, including where to buy the album, is available here.

Here is that interview again:

Q. You played Course You Can Malcolm. How was it?
Quality. The crowd gave us a warm welcome, they were all keen to listen and we sold a decent amount of CDs, so hopefully that means people liked the stuff.

Q. Where does the name come from? Is it because some of you are related to Edi Reader?
Unfortunately we’re not related to Edi Reader. We just can’t read quickly.

Q. What do you think of FC United of Manchester?
We’ve got nothing but respect for the club. You had nothing a few years back and now there’s a full blown proper football club with fans, stadium plans and all that. We don’t actively follow the club but with us all being United fans, we are always aware of what’s going on here and it’s quality.

Q. Q. What do you think about assignment help services?
Yeah, I`ve used them when I had no time to finish my work.

Q. If you were blues do you think you would have called yourself the ‘greatest, fastest, immensest readers’?
No. If we were blues the band wouldn’t exist because we’d be too busy trying to get out of Blackburn from the time when 2million of us were on the big hill outside Ewood Park.

Q. How do you think Manchester’s doing music-wise at the moment?
Manchester is a bit bobbins at the moment. We don’t mean that the bands aren’t good, it’s just that there’s no decent scene anymore. You used to be able to do gigs at loads of different nights and the number of nights seems to be dropping. CYCM is where it’s at…

Q. When you see the big painted sign on the road saying ‘slow’ at junctions, are you ever tempted to jump out of your motor car and latch a bit on?
Do people call cars “motor cars?” Anyway, we don’t do motorways, just A roads and canals.

Q. Did you burn your mouth on the tater hash?
No. It was just right. Isobel did a great job with it.

slowreaders2

Q. Have you ever jibbed into a United game?
Yep. The Champions League final being the most recent one. Quality jib.

Q. As a percentage, how many of you are circumcised?
25% of the band members, which equates to about 10% of our cumulative foreskin.

Q. If you had to lose an ear, which one would it be? And why, obviously….
Pardon? What? Sorry? Say again..

Q. When was the last time you saw someone sken-eyed? And have you heard the saying ‘skens like a basket of whelks’?
We only speak English mate…

Q. Have you ever done a sneeze that smelt like sandpaper/the inside of a leather bag?
No. Well… not in the past two months.

Q. Who’s got the fittest Mam?
None of us. They all have faces like stuntmen’s knees.

Q. Of all the radiator types, which one is your favourite?
You can’t beat a bay window shaped double Rad with integrated TRVs. Quality.

Q. If you had to, to save the reputation of the band, would you use a dried dog’s lipstick as a plectrum?
Have you been looking at our gear??

Q. There’s a section of Mancunians that call umbrellas ‘nellies’. Are you with us?
No. Nellies are something completely different where we’re from.

slowreaders3

Q. In what circumstances would you consider having a swallow tattoo?
If we met the right woman I’m sure we’d all love a cheeky swallow.

Q. If Rita from Coro asked you to push her prolapse back in, what would be the lowest price you’d request?
We’d be willing to bid £100 for the privilege.

Q. Have you ever put cheese on a Malt loaf?
No. We’ve never met the fat tw4t.

Q. Your debut album’s out, you’ve played CYCM, what’s next for The Slow Readers Club?
We have more gigs being added to our website (www.theslowreadersclub.co.uk) every week and we have a couple of more singles being released in February/March/April before the national release of our Album. It’s a busy period but we’re looking forward to it.

Q. Wu Lyf (who’ve also played CYCM) have just been on the David Letterman show. Are you going to get on Conan O’Brien in a battle of one-upmanship?
We’re aiming higher….. Loose Women is where it’s at.

Q. How long do you think it will take to read this interview once it’s done?
The same time it takes to have a big poo. (Excluding wiping).

Interview: J Walter Weatherman and the Frillies. Pictures: Matt Wilkinson

CYCM 11/05/18: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Callow
May 7, 2018 – 5:18 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 11/05/18: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Callow

CYCM returns to the function room at Broadhurst Park on the evening of Friday 11 May with something old, something new, something borrowed and … something blue.
One of our favourite turns from our Gigg …

Munich, Jimmy Murphy and the Suez Crisis
February 6, 2018 – 1:10 am | No Comment | by:
Munich, Jimmy Murphy and the Suez Crisis

On arrival at the ground Murphy thought briefly how quiet the place seemed compared to normal and headed to his office. It was only when there that the dreadful news was relayed to him by Alma George, his secretary.

Your song. Munich 60 years on
February 4, 2018 – 1:33 pm | No Comment | by:
Your song. Munich 60 years on

By John Ludden
Ever since British European Flight 609 careered off the end of Munich runway and killed outright seven Manchester United footballers and many other poor souls on board, the amount of tears shed for …

Long shadow still falls on us all, 60 years on
February 1, 2018 – 11:26 am | No Comment | by:
Long shadow still falls on us all, 60 years on

Next weekend, a crowd will gather outside Old Trafford, as it always does before the home match nearest the anniversary, to remember the 23 people who died, 60 years since that European Cup tie against Red Star Belgrade.

City’s owners: Sheikhs, lies and videotapes
January 11, 2018 – 7:51 pm | No Comment | by:
City’s owners: Sheikhs, lies and videotapes

Now that Manchester City look to be on the brink of an era of domination, at least in England, it’s perhaps time to take another look at who is really behind this project and why.

NEW YEAR’S EVE IS SHITE! – THE STARTLING TRUTH
December 31, 2017 – 10:18 pm | 2 Comments | by:
NEW YEAR’S EVE IS SHITE! – THE STARTLING TRUTH

A new survey has revealed shocking evidence that could put an end to the world’s biggest party and make millions of revellers look completely stupid.
Professor Solomon Shellac of Manchester University has finally published the results …

CHRISTMAS IS SHITE – IT’S OFFICIAL
December 25, 2017 – 6:00 am | No Comment | by:
CHRISTMAS IS SHITE – IT’S OFFICIAL

A new study by a leading Manchester University professor and his team has proved what all Christians feared – that Christmas is shite. Dr. Solomon Shellac of UMIST made the startling discovery after researching all …

Frenzy
December 22, 2017 – 1:06 pm | No Comment | by:
Frenzy

I went to Asda to buy my Christmas crap, chocolate, biscuits, Hummus and booze, a traditional Christmas feast. And also tea bags. However, I had to literally fight my way to the tea bags, ram a path to the chocolate, bludgeon my way down the biscuit isle and mount an armed assault in the bread isle.

Survey reveals that Christmas is shite
December 16, 2017 – 7:11 am | No Comment | by:
Survey reveals that Christmas is shite

A new study by a leading Manchester University professor and his team has proved what all Christians feared – that Christmas is shite. Dr. Solomon Shellac of UMIST made the startling discovery after researching all …

Older reds swap derby memories
December 11, 2017 – 8:06 pm | No Comment | by:
Older reds swap derby memories

From the Daily Telegraph:
Derek Gardner remembers the 1955 Manchester derby like it was yesterday. Or, rather, he remembers the build-up to the game.
“I was out on the town and ended up in a club in …

A time for giving, and that…
December 7, 2017 – 10:21 pm | No Comment | by:
A time for giving, and that…

From The Non League Paper:

The season of goodwill is here and FC United of Manchester are getting in on the act once again as they get set to open the doors at Broadhurst Park to …

Red Rebels – an excerpt
December 7, 2017 – 6:03 pm | No Comment | by:
Red Rebels – an excerpt

FC United founder and former AFL contributor JP O’Neill has written a book about Manchester’s battles with the Glazers and the subsequent football club that rose amongst the flames. And then imploded somewhat. Red Rebels …

Kenny Ball and his J*zzmen
December 5, 2017 – 5:55 pm | No Comment | by:
Kenny Ball and his J*zzmen

It’s a well established political fact that Kenny Ball, from Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen, despises Nigel Winterburn with an intensity rarely seen in the jazz world. Both modern and acid. Knowing this, I contacted …

CYCM 02/12/17: He’s Here, He’s There, Bring Your Thermal Underwear
November 28, 2017 – 10:36 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 02/12/17: He’s Here, He’s There, Bring Your Thermal Underwear

If you’ve dedicated your life to eleven ball-chasing men, chances are you’ll know it gets a bit taters watching them in the autumn and winter months. Not quite Jose Mourinho leaving Bastian Schweinsteiger off his …

Ice Breaker
November 21, 2017 – 8:26 am | No Comment | by:
Ice Breaker

Training days can be a mixed blessing. On the one hand you get to spend the day drinking tea, eating biscuits and chatting to your workmates, which is always better than working. However, on the …

Don’t cry for me Margentina
November 21, 2017 – 8:15 am | No Comment | by:
Don’t cry for me Margentina

After years of Fergie seemingly being at war with everyone and everything it made a pleasant change to have a sound, easy going and humble bloke in charge of our football team.

CYCM 28/10/17: Oh, Broadhurst Park is Wonderful, it’s Full of Holt, Holt’s and United….
October 25, 2017 – 10:45 am | No Comment | by:
CYCM 28/10/17: Oh, Broadhurst Park is Wonderful, it’s Full of Holt, Holt’s and United….

The history books don’t tell us if Joseph Holt ever met the Hyde brothers, Ralph and Alfred, and they certainly don’t tell us if they ended up scrapping. For this preview’s sake though, let’s just …

Take Back Manchester Festival 2017 – #ToriesOut
September 29, 2017 – 8:00 am | No Comment | by:
Take Back Manchester Festival 2017 – #ToriesOut

Five days of demonstrations, cultural events, rallies, comedy, music and public meetings will take place all across Manchester to protest the Conservative Party conference from 30 September – 4 October 2017 including a major national demonstration the day the Conservative Party Conference opens on Sunday 1 October.

Kick It Out?
September 20, 2017 – 7:33 pm | No Comment | by:
Kick It Out?

By Johny Helzapopin
In a week where Romelu Lukaku has scored again for Manchester United, continuing his blistering form since his arrival from Everton, off-field issues have overshadowed what all United fans should be focusing …

Red Rebels – A book review
September 15, 2017 – 5:18 pm | No Comment | by:
Red Rebels – A book review

Roughly two-thirds of the way through Red Rebels: The Glazers and the FC Revolution the tone of the book changes from a rollicking, scarf twirling love story imbued with Mancunian rebelliousness to almost Private Eye …