CYCM 16/03/19: Synth You’ve Been Gone
March 13, 2019 – 2:56 pm | No Comment | by:

It may come as something of a surprise to you all, but we’re no fans of the Daily Express here at CYCM Towers (we say ‘towers’; a dilapidated shed with a faded Percy Thrower poster …

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CYCM 16/03/19: Synth You’ve Been Gone by:
March 13, 2019 – 2:56 pm | No Comment
Express Building Manchester

Express Building Manchester – Stephen Richards, 2011

It may come as something of a surprise to you all, but we’re no fans of the Daily Express here at CYCM Towers (we say ‘towers’; a dilapidated shed with a faded Percy Thrower poster on the wall’s more accurate). In between endless Diana conspiracy theories and outlandish, end of days weather forecasts, the paper spends its time trying to out-Daily Mail, well, the Daily Mail, with its hyperbolic moral rantings, angry rhetoric on Brexit and gleeful scapegoating of immigrants. Try as it might however, the Express continually fails to usurp the Mail as the number one paper of choice for vexed, middle-aged right-wingers who enjoy a bit of vein-throbbing inducing moral outrage. You’d almost feel sorry for them, if wasn’t for all the bile, hate, and the fact they walked away from that magnificent Art Deco building of theirs on Great Ancoats Street back in the eighties. Luckily however, there are loads of ace things associated with the word Express, which makes up for the bad taste the paper leaves in the mouth: bonkers musical about anthropomorphised trains Starlight Express, 1978 prison movie Midnight Express, everyone’s favourite coach company National Express, and now, to add to that list, our turn this Saturday: Jake Hardman of Blackley synth-pop outfit, The Phat Express.

We’ve got some stone-cold Malcolmses favourites joining Jake on the bill this Saturday, so read on to find out more:

Poppadom Preach

Vegan Ronay’s going to be dishing up a Madras curry with brown rice and a poppadom to his ever-growing band of followers this week, while the traditionalists among you enjoy tater ash and cheese & onion pies from Westwells. There’s nothing preachy about Vegan Ronay. He’s quietly confident though that, 150 years from now, give or take a decade or two, every single one of us will be enjoying a plant-based diet. Who knows, CYCM might even have got the acoustics sorted by then. (Don’t bet on it.)

Quiz by George Irwell

Karl foxed everyone last week with his Hereford-tinged trickery. If you’re halfway up his scorecard for York you’re doing well.

Angry Bear

Angry Bear: No Man is a Stone Island

Bring your ointment, because you’ll be needing treatment once today’s poet has finished. He’s in a category of his own. He knows how to mystify, mislead and surprise other firms: just start lobbing rhyming couplets when they least expect it.

Take a cruise to China, or a train to Spain

Picking up the mike from Angry Bear on Saturday, Jake Hardman couldn’t be more aptly named. Who knew that round the penthouses on Victoria Avenue and the pavements of Plant Hill Road they’re still dancing to the Human League and Depeche Mode? We’d no idea. Then we heard ‘It’s No Fun Dancing On Your Own’ and now we just can’t get enough of The Phat Express and their North Manchester disco angst: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdZEHkQSbJ8.

Phat Express

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Timings (may be subject to last-minute amendments):

1.00  Doors open

1.30  Si kicks things off

1.40  Quiz by George Irwell

1.55  Mither poetry by Angry Bear

2.15  Jake Hardman

Just so you know: if you come looking for us in the St. Mary’s Road End, then, well, you’re in the right place, because that’s our permanent gaff. Just head to the turnstiles and make your way about two-thirds down the SMRE. You can’t really miss us as we have a big, dock off stage for a start, plus a flag with a massive caravan drawn on it. And as always: entrance to CYCM is completely freemans, with the usual rules applying: no divviness, nuclear weapons or people who don’t wonder how many bottles of hair product Ted Danson went through in his time on Cheers. Refugees welcome.

 

CYCM 02/03/19: Only girls and football break your heart
February 28, 2019 – 2:02 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 02/03/19: Only girls and football break your heart

We’ve got some proper culinary treats lined up for you this week. Vegan Ronay is preparing Veg Mex, or vegan tacos, while for the traditionalists among you Stu will be serving up Westwell’s legendary tater …

CYCM 16/02/19: East meets Westwell’s
February 13, 2019 – 6:11 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 16/02/19: East meets Westwell’s

First things first, a big thank you to everyone who came along to CYCM last week. We were a bit nervous, to be honest: we know none of you really tiptoed through the Kippax in …

CYCM 09/02/19: Maitland Season Begins in Earnest
February 6, 2019 – 1:57 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 09/02/19: Maitland Season Begins in Earnest

Spring: what a time of year to be human. You get to kiss goodbye to the long johns, the melancholy that envelopes you as the sun dips before tea time disappears, and your olfactory nerves …

Munich, Jimmy Murphy and the Suez Crisis
February 6, 2019 – 1:10 am | No Comment | by:
Munich, Jimmy Murphy and the Suez Crisis

On arrival at the ground Murphy thought briefly how quiet the place seemed compared to normal and headed to his office. It was only when there that the dreadful news was relayed to him by Alma George, his secretary.

CYCM 26/01/19: Two Beers Resolution
January 22, 2019 – 3:49 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 26/01/19: Two Beers Resolution

A new year. A fresh opportunity. The chance to tear it all up and start again. You’re gonna start going to the gym aren’t you? Always fancied a six pack. You’re gonna be more organised …

NEW YEAR’S EVE IS SHITE! – THE STARTLING TRUTH
December 31, 2018 – 11:58 am | 2 Comments | by:
NEW YEAR’S EVE IS SHITE! – THE STARTLING TRUTH

A new survey has revealed shocking evidence that could put an end to the world’s biggest party and make millions of revellers look completely stupid.
Professor Solomon Shellac of Manchester University has finally published the results …

Anthropocene
December 30, 2018 – 10:43 am | No Comment | by:
Anthropocene

The Anthropocene, what is it? Where is it? And can you eat it? These burning questions lay heavy on the minds of the population. In the long tradition of this journal’s love of strange and …

CHRISTMAS IS SHITE – IT’S OFFICIAL
December 24, 2018 – 3:36 pm | No Comment | by:
CHRISTMAS IS SHITE – IT’S OFFICIAL

A new study by a leading Manchester University professor and his team has proved what all Christians feared – that Christmas is shite. Dr. Solomon Shellac of UMIST made the startling discovery after researching all …

CYCM 15-12-18: 1512 Overture
December 12, 2018 – 6:21 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 15-12-18: 1512 Overture

Christmas tunes are mostly bobbins aren’t they. Wham, Cliff Richard, Mariah Carey, Shakin’ bloody Stevens, to name but a few, played on a seemingly never ending loop in shops, pubs and on the wireless from …

KYKM 08/12/18: Kris Kringle All The Way
December 4, 2018 – 6:19 pm | No Comment | by:
KYKM 08/12/18: Kris Kringle All The Way

Here’s a fun game for you all: name a person more famous than Father Christmas. Go on, I’ll just nip to the kitchen, make a brew and check if that slightly pongy pack of ham …

On the 12th year of Christmas my non-blue love said to me….
November 20, 2018 – 3:13 pm | No Comment | by:
On the 12th year of Christmas my non-blue love said to me….

Twelve years after the publication of the first, and still to this day, best of all FC United-related books, An Undividable Glow, we recently received this review from a reader:
‘A brilliant book and a must …

CYCM 17/11/18: Red Bed Redemption
November 13, 2018 – 10:12 am | No Comment | by:
CYCM 17/11/18: Red Bed Redemption

Mid-November: awkward time of the year, innit? Caught in a dark, drizzly limbo between Bonfire Night and the oncoming madness of Christmas, it’s tempting to sack it all off, get your Hygge on, and just …

CYCM 13/10/18: The Darlington Buds of Malcs
October 10, 2018 – 4:12 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 13/10/18: The Darlington Buds of Malcs

Eggs. Wind. News. Arsenal’s unbeaten record in 2004. All things that are, we think you’ll agree, much better when they are broken. And what with us being a breakaway football club we tend to have …

In seventy seven it was Docherty, in twenty eighteen it’s the SMRE…
September 4, 2018 – 2:39 pm | No Comment | by:
In seventy seven it was Docherty, in twenty eighteen it’s the SMRE…

Unless you’ve been holed up in a darkened room avoiding the Mancunian heat this summer it surely can’t have escaped your notice that changes have been afoot under the St Mary’s Road End terrace as …

Making friends, not millionaires
August 17, 2018 – 7:49 pm | No Comment | by:
Making friends, not millionaires

A piece from a recent edition of FC United of Manchester’s matchday programme on the club’s work in developing participation in sporting and other activities in the local community during 2017-18…
Some supporters may be unaware …

Slow Readers, ace musicians (yes we have used a very similar headline before, so what?)
May 10, 2018 – 12:18 pm | No Comment | by:
Slow Readers, ace musicians (yes we have used a very similar headline before, so what?)

The Slow Readers Club have this week released their third album and are finally getting a bit of ‘attention’ from people other than music fans in Manchester.
Course You Can Malcolm, the club night in the …

CYCM 11/05/18: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Callow
May 7, 2018 – 5:18 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 11/05/18: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Callow

CYCM returns to the function room at Broadhurst Park on the evening of Friday 11 May with something old, something new, something borrowed and … something blue.
One of our favourite turns from our Gigg …

Your song. Munich 60 years on
February 4, 2018 – 1:33 pm | No Comment | by:
Your song. Munich 60 years on

By John Ludden
Ever since British European Flight 609 careered off the end of Munich runway and killed outright seven Manchester United footballers and many other poor souls on board, the amount of tears shed for …

Long shadow still falls on us all, 60 years on
February 1, 2018 – 11:26 am | No Comment | by:
Long shadow still falls on us all, 60 years on

Next weekend, a crowd will gather outside Old Trafford, as it always does before the home match nearest the anniversary, to remember the 23 people who died, 60 years since that European Cup tie against Red Star Belgrade.

City’s owners: Sheikhs, lies and videotapes
January 11, 2018 – 7:51 pm | No Comment | by:
City’s owners: Sheikhs, lies and videotapes

Now that Manchester City look to be on the brink of an era of domination, at least in England, it’s perhaps time to take another look at who is really behind this project and why.