CYCM 21/04/14: You Are Now Entering Free Bury
by: J. Walter Weatherman
Harold Bishop on Neighbours. The last Marathon made before it became Snickers. Natural hair on Francis Lee’s head. Ryan Giggs’ legs. All things in life come to an end, some welcome, some not. For some things however, it’s not a case of coming to the end, but just going and doing it all at Moston instead. This Monday, Course You Can Malcolm makes its final ever appearance at Gigg Lane, Bury, Lancashire, and rather than sit around moping about it, we’re celebrating the fact we’re off to Broadhurst Park, Moston, Manchester, and we’re going out with a proper loud bang.
From the moment a mental Japanese rock band called My Way My Love had a collective on-stage fit at the first ever Malcolmses, we’ve striven to be a Red, Mancunian haven in Bury. A place where you could forget your backwards surroundings and be treated to music, poetry, theatre and anything else we’d written down on the back of a fag packet and thought was a good idea.
This Monday will be no different, with music from Richard McNevin-Duff, special gifts, prizes, a whole host of zany shenanigans and a few old faces making a welcome return. This bank holiday bonanza of a day will play out as follows:
10:30 For the last time, the Oddies lug all the equipment from the Main Stand up to Starkies, then cry tears of relief at never EVER having to do it again
11:30 No tears from Mike Noodle though, because for a start he loves making his veggie pizzas and bringing the veggie hotdogs, and secondly he’s too professional to drip salty tears into the food
11:40 Dave Frilly turns up, but minus the Westwells food as they’re closed. ‘Fraid your stuck with our offerings. You’ll cope
12:00 Taking You Round The Corner- Would I lie to you? Yeah, frequently
12:20 Brewdog beer raffle- Ridic strong beer to be won. Go on, you know you want to
12:30 Some bloke who loves telling painfully bad jokes and wearing the same pair of jeans for weeks on end puts an appearance in
1:00 Factory Records Rarity Rumble- see below
2:00 Richard McNevin Duff acoustic Space Monkeys set- See below
2:45 This Team Is Sheet- Maurice Twomowers is back, and he’s got some important team news for you
3:00 It’s the end! Oh hang on, there’s still half time
3:45 Now it’s the end. At Bury, anyway….
Now the eagle-eyed amongst you may have noticed there was no time listed for the doors opening. That’s because there’s so much going on that we want to encourage everyone to get down as early as possible. If the fact you’ll miss out on all the entertainment isn’t enough, then we’ve got a rather special giveaway to tempt you in with. Richard McNevin-Duff, former lead singer of Space Monkeys, current lead singer of Giant Star and today’s turn, has kindly offered to give away a free Space Monkeys CD to everyone who attends. As you probably know, Space Monkeys were the last band signed to Factory, so this isn’t a gift to pass up on lightly. Now if that wasn’t enough for you, Richard also needs to make space in his shed for a new lawnmower and hedge trimmer, so he’s had a clear out and will be bringing all his clutter with him. For most people, shed clutter would be made up of old toys, magazines, tool boxes, videos of Ironside, nicked road signs and the like, but not Richard. Try a sh*t load of Factory rarities that you’re going to be able to get your hands on, instead. We’ve not decided yet if we’re going to raffle them off or auction them off, but either way, if you’re a proper barmy Factory head, you can’t afford to miss out on getting your greasy mitts on a bit of Manchester music history.
As for Richard, we’re just grateful to be getting a second chance at having him play for us. Southerners like to bang on about how all the rain ruined their homes and livelihoods this winter, but did they have Richard booked in to play for them, only for the weather to put paid to it? No, they didn’t, the moaning gets. We’re putting all that behind us now though and looking forward to him getting up and playing for us, and I think you’ll agree, it’s a fitting end to CYCM: The Bury Years. For more on the history of Space Monkeys and Giant Star, you can read this article written for AFL, or buy the mag from Stu From The Bay’s market stall for the full version.
So what else have we got on for you? Well for a start Taking You Round The Corner appears for the last time. We’re desperate to give away the Bayliss and Harding posh smelly set we’ve had since Christmas, so the winner’s going to be forced to take it. Don’t let that stop you playing though, as there will be other gifts on offer (including Red Jon Grinham’s big selection of big football shirts).
We also welcome Maurice Twomowers back to deliver the team news. He’ll be hard at work talking to the players and getting their opinions, so settle yourself in to hear what pearls of wisdom they’ll come out with. It’s been a fair old while since he graced the microphone, so this is not something to be missed, if you’re thinking of being a bit of a plum and leaving early to get a nice seat, or summat. There’s a strong possibility we may also have someone coming along to tell a couple of jokes. Can’t go into too much detail at this stage, but it’s not the first time he’s done this at CYCM. Please don’t take this as a guarantee he’s going to make you laugh, though.
So that, right there, is the last ever Course You Can Malcolm at Bury. Will we return at Moston? You can bet your flipping bottom dollar we will. We’re still talking with the club about it, and it won’t be every game in the first season at Moston, but rest assured you haven’t seen the last of our gormless faces just yet. But going back to the present, there’s nothing left but to say thank you. Thank you to Vicks Sinex, thank you to every turn who’s ever performed for us, thank you to Westwells the bakery, thank you to everyone who comes and is yet to come and watch us, thank you to those that have donated time, food and birdhouses, thank you to the barmy fans of teams around the world that have visited us down the years, and above all, thank you to Manchester, without which none of this would have been possible. Our little piece of Manchester at the wrong end of the tramline is on its way home.