Mule of Oi
by: Cable Street Sioux
It’s come to our attention that religious extremists are conspiring to take control and run our real ale pubs, oil and oatcakes. Men have been seen, wearing great bushy beards, unkempt straggly hair, wearing strange non-English clothing and performing rituals not becoming of an upstanding Englishman.
Many real ale pubs have seen their staff intimidated by the bushy bearded men demanding they serve only the beers approved by the bearded extremists.
One staff member who wished to remain anonymous said that he was asked if the bearded one’s kilt was flattering. “I didn’t know what to say, I don’t know much about kilts”.
The bearded kilt-wearing extremists also eat the vile haggis. Haggis has recently been condemned by many animal lovers as containing meat of an unspecified type. The manner in which the haggis meat meal is consumed has been denounced as un-English by the Naturally English Conservation Epitaph.
But even more alarming is the fact that these grotesquely overly-bearded, kilt-wearing extremists have deluded a national government to allow a completely undemocratic democratic referendum on the extremists’ underhand intimidation of the population of Mule of Oi for independence. The very idea that people will be allowed to decide their own future is totally antagonistic to the basic English values of freedom and democracy. How can people be allowed to choose their own fate if the choice is between independence and rule from afar? This is not choice as we know it in our great Naturally English tradition of democracy. Independence is a totally different concept from rule from afar so there is no choice, there is only anarchy.
Now if the extremists had not bullied our kind-hearted and benevolent Naturally English rulers into this despicable debacle of a referendum then the real choice should have been a truly Naturally English and therefore truly democratic and free choice between rule from afar and rule from very afar. Now a referendum based on that just and fair criterion would have given the people of Mule of Oi a true and honest democratic choice.
But now we have the unholy sight of knickerless, bushy-bearded, religious, kilt-wearing maniacs running around our northern hemisphere threatening people with haggis and oatcakes.
The latest and most horrifying development in the story of these hideous Mule of Oiists is their fiendishly contemptible and secret plot to take over the schools of Mule of Oi. They have over the last thousand years planted their offspring in the schools of Mule of Oi so that now there are at least 98% Mule of Oi children in the schools of Mule of Oi. Many of the teachers are also Mule of Oi citizens and we have discovered through our clever infiltration of the structures of Mule of Oi and our secretive evidence gathering of Mule of Oi residents that many of the school governors are also residents of Mule of Oi. We understand that this latest horrifying discovery may well shock you to your very Natural English bones. Our careful and unbiased undercover investigation name “Rojan Goat” used the most highly trained and skilful MI2 agents.
The investigation not only discovered that 98% of the residents of Mule of Oi were natives of Mule of Oi but they are also planning to launch secret rocket attacks into our Natural English countryside. Our brave and courageous agents have seen and gathered digital footage of what the locals code name “tossing the caber”. Caber is the latest and highly sophisticated ballistic weapon that can be launched at a moment’s notice using only human muscle power. The tossers have to have years of training which has been taking place in “Caber tossing” training events around the country of Mule of Oi. The extremist Oiists plan to launch hundreds of these Caber weapons once independence has been finalised.
We are determined not to allow the Oiist extremists to take from the Naturally English what is ours by birthright. The oil, oatcakes and ale belong to England and if we need humanitarian bombing to save the Mule of Oi from the Mule of Oi it is our duty to do so.