CYCM 26/11/16: Nuneaton Mess
November 22, 2016 – 7:37 pm | One Comment | by:

Typical, innit? You wait months for a game against Nuneaton, and then two come along at once. Like buses, except the wait from last year’s game to the previous Saturday’s was eleven months, meaning if …

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CYCM 26/11/16: Nuneaton Mess by:
November 22, 2016 – 7:37 pm | One Comment

Typical, innit? You wait months for a game against Nuneaton, and then two come along at once. Like buses, except the wait from last year’s game to the previous Saturday’s was eleven months, meaning if you’ve ever waited that long for a bus there’s a certain chumpiness about you. Though spending just shy of a year at a bus stop without dying from hunger/exposure/Jehovah’s Witness over-leafleting does also mark you out as a survivor. But in essence still a chump, particularly as you could have gone back home, had a Bakewell Tart and a hot Vimto, or even just walked to your destination.

Orange Bus

Regardless of hypothetical chump scenarios however, the cold, stark reality is the FA’s Trophy balls left us in a mess (ooer) and pitted us against Nuneaton for the second time in a week. You can either take the old adage of familiarity breeds contempt literally and stay at home in a Nuneaton-free environment, or you can come along to Moston to witness one vital difference from the previous week: there’ll be some music and stuff going on in the Main Stand.

Yep, that’s right, music and stuff can only mean one thing: Course You Can Malcolm returns once again to nourish you physically and spiritually, and sustain you through these dark wintery days. And as an added bonus, it’s a cup game rather than a league game, with all the added drama and spice that comes with sudden death, knock-out competition (And yes, I know it could always be a draw and go to a replay, but no-one wants that. Why would you want a third game against Nuneaton in such a short space of time anyway? If you love Nuneaton so much why don’t you marry them?)

So what to expect from such a heady mix of sustenance and drama? Well for a start, thirst quenching and appetite satiating mainstays such as beverages alcoholic and none, food from the FC kitchens and volunteer supplied sweet treats. If that covers your ingestion needs, then we also have your intellectual divertissement needs covered with guests ready to turn the status quo on its head and treat you to non-footballing entertainment. In a football ground. Yes, you read correctly: non-footballing entertainment in a ruddy football ground. Read on to find out how this status quo head turning is scheduled to pan out:

11:00 The Oddies arrive in Moston and begin the task of making the bar look fancier than a fondant. Last time a harsh lesson was learnt when Pound Shop acquired duct tape lived up to its false economy reputation and dropped flags on heads and in pints all afternoon. Will the lesson be heeded? Depends if we can remember where we keep the good tape….

12:00 Doors Open

1:20 Speaker: TBC. Not a definite at this stage unfortch, but as soon as we know more, we’ll update you

1:45 The not-so welcome return of audience participation with a topical quiz

2:00 Marvin Cheeseman: performance poetry, stand-up and maybe even a dig or two at the blue minority of our fair city

2:30 Carousel Clouds: Indie, shoegazing psych- so wear your best footwear

3:00 Alien vs Predator 2? Nah, something much better than that: FC United vs Nuneaton 2: The Nuneatoning

As you probably know, here at CYCM Towers we like to keep our fingers on the pulse when it comes to modern affairs. And what better way to share that knowledge with our audience than a quiz? You may have noticed there’s an orange, tiny-handed man taking over in the White House soon, and to keep Malcolms regulars engaged with the news and modern politics we’ll be running a Donald Trump themed quiz. The premise is simple: eleven quotes supposedly from Donald Trump will be read out, but only one will be a genuine quote, with it falling to the audience to identify the real one. Easy? Well if you’re familiar with the sort of brain farts and verbal follow-throughs he regularly has, perhaps not. Entitled ‘Trump or Fart?’, this is a quiz you just can’t afford to not be a part of. Honest.

Red Marvin

If Donald Trump quotes leave you feeling like you want to cry however, don’t worry, because the following turn will more than make up for it. A lot is made of the ‘Marvel Extended Universe’ these days, with superhero films being released seemingly every other week, but who needs any of that when we have Cheeseman from the Marvin Extended Universe? Marvin Cheeseman to be precise, a poet and comedian we’re delighted to have perform for us, especially as there won’t be any spandex in sight (possibly). If you’re unfamiliar with him, then this is what he has to say about himself:

“My name is Marvin Cheeseman, I come from one of the world’s coolest and most beautiful cities: Manchester, and I say that without a hint of irony, just check the place out for yourself. I am a “performance poet” forward slash stand-up comic and I have gigged in various parts of the country, from Ashby de la Zouche to Salford.

I am lucky enough to have my work published by The Bad Press: a book entitled “Full Metal Jacket Potato” and a boxed set of limericks “Making Prawn Sandwiches for Roy Keane.” and my latest book called “We hate it when our ex-lodgers become successful”. “

Marvin’s not to be missed, as you can see for yourself if you visit his website here.

If Marvin wasn’t enough, we’re currently experiencing kipper levels of giddiness at the thought of Carousel Clouds providing the day’s musical entertainment. Comprising of Tamsin Middleton (vocals), Neil Meehan (guitar, vocals), Ben Mulvey (keyboards, vocals), Matt Anderson (drums) and Dickon Kyme-Wright (guitar), they say about themselves: “A love of The Mars Volta, Lanterns on the Lake and Spiritualized unites this band of experienced musicians”. They’ve taken time out from recording their first album to play for us, and you can expect some alternative shoegazing/psyche loveliness.

Carousel Clouds

No stranger to Malcolms, Neil has actually played for us before with his previous band Optional Wallace. He also writes the music column Transmission for United We Stand, which therefore makes him a music loving Red. Sounds like Neil and the band will fit right in, so make sure you get yourselves down and enjoy the delights they’ll have to offer. To find out more about the band and what they sound like, have yourself a shufty at their website.

So you’ve got over the thought of Nuneaton Déjà vu. You’re prepared to leave the house and face the cold. Your reward? All that stuff I’ve just been banging on about. Sounds alright doesn’t it? If you agree, then hopefully we’ll see you there. Till then….

Quick reminder: CYCM’s new home is in the Main Stand bar. We’ll have two thirds of the room, but if you’ve just read all this and think it sounds bobbins, then one end of the room will be partitioned off so you can enjoy a pint in peace. Once you’re in the ground, entrance to CYCM is free, just head to the Main Stand (through the turnstiles if you come after 1), but try and get there as early as possible (come in through the main entrance and up the stairs if you arrive before the turnstiles open), as we’re anticipating it’s going to get busy. 

Football and poppies… AGAIN
November 3, 2016 – 8:00 am | No Comment | by:
Football and poppies… AGAIN

A group of United fans unfurled a banner at the Stretford End proclaiming them to be “24 Hour Peterloo Peace People”. Using only a number and four words the homemade banner beautifully encapsulated two centuries of Mancunian social, political and cultural history (the Peterloo massacre, Factory Records and the city’s peace movement) and, at the same time, aligned this particular corner of M16 with anti-war demonstrators across the globe.

If there are no spots on a sugar cube, I’ve just put dice in my tea
October 31, 2016 – 11:33 pm | No Comment | by:
If there are no spots on a sugar cube, I’ve just put dice in my tea

After 150 years of sugar farming, this autumn sees the last sugar cane harvest on the Hawaiian island of Maui.   It’s no longer ‘economic’ – American products use cheaper corn syrup now, rather than sugar.  …

Dragging us down…
October 27, 2016 – 7:23 am | No Comment | by:
Dragging us down…

On a day when supporters of Charlton Athletic and Coventry City marched together and briefly stopped their match by chucking hundreds of plastic pigs onto the pitch in protest at despised owners bleeding their clubs dry, it was a pity that some FC United supporters felt unable to show some comradely solidarity with a fellow supporter-owned club in difficulties.

Hauling Home Malcolmses
October 6, 2016 – 7:35 pm | No Comment | by:
Hauling Home Malcolmses

“Malcolmses is unique, long may it continue, all the best things in life. Anyone looking to re-affirm their love of football, life, music, should get down to FC United. It truly opens your eyes to what is good in life”

CYCM 08/10/16: Triggering Article Nifty
October 4, 2016 – 10:19 pm | No Comment | by:
CYCM 08/10/16: Triggering Article Nifty

If you’ve seen the news this week, you’ll have noticed something a bit odd and disconcerting peering out of your TV screens: sour looking human/goblin hybrids, clad in the greyest of grey suits matched only …

Spirit, patience, gentleness
August 16, 2016 – 7:20 am | One Comment | by:
Spirit, patience, gentleness

‘Spirit, Patience, Gentleness,
All that can adorn and bless
Art thou – let deeds, not words, express
Thine exceeding loveliness.

MCYC 29/07/16: The Oddiesey
July 24, 2016 – 8:03 pm | No Comment | by:
MCYC 29/07/16: The Oddiesey

In Homer’s epic ‘The Odyssey’, it takes enemy of Poseidon and all round faffer Odysseus ten years to make it home after the fall of Troy. While it’s not taken the Oddies quite that long …

Common Sense
July 12, 2016 – 7:17 am | One Comment | by:
Common Sense

“Common sense will tell us, that the power which hath endeavoured to subdue us, is of all others, the most improper to defend us” Thomas Paine, Common Sense, 1776.
There’s been a deflating familiarity to the …

Moston hosts a miniature dystopia – rush to see this gloomy delight…
July 7, 2016 – 10:32 pm | No Comment | by:
Moston hosts a miniature dystopia – rush to see this gloomy delight…

Model villages, overhead photographs of cities, landscapes viewed from a plane – the delights of miniaturisation are well known to we control freaks. Everything well ordered and in its place, for us to be able …

Geesantista 
June 15, 2016 – 4:24 pm | No Comment | by:
Geesantista 

While I was slowly jogging around Platt Fields trying to look like I was actually running, I noticed something that I had observed before about Geese. But this time having more time on my hands due to the whole being off work thing I decided that I’d take a closer look.

Banning of FC United founder was ‘flawed’ and ‘unfair’
June 15, 2016 – 4:20 pm | No Comment | by:
Banning of FC United founder was ‘flawed’ and ‘unfair’

FC United bosses were wrong to ban the club’s founder and owe him an apology, according to an independent report into the blocking of his membership.

Mind the gap
May 28, 2016 – 4:21 pm | No Comment | by:
Mind the gap

I sensed that some of those in attendance were possibly beginning to appreciate the extent of the damage wrought by the chumocracy that has been allowed to develop as an assortment of chancers, bluffers and worming careerists have brought the club to its knees; an affront to the decent egalitarian and democratic principles on which FC United was founded.

Truth, Justice and the Football Fan’s Way
May 2, 2016 – 12:46 am | No Comment | by:
Truth, Justice and the Football Fan’s Way

Some level of justice was finally delivered last week to the victims of the Hillsborough disaster; victims that included those who lost their lives at a football match 27 years ago and those who still …

FCUM: 101 damnations
April 19, 2016 – 8:49 am | No Comment | by:
FCUM: 101 damnations

These questions are aimed at getting to the heart of the corruption of FC United’s founding principles. Most of them have been legitimately asked of FC United Board members in recent months on the club’s official forum set up for that very purpose. However, most Board members refuse to answer…

The Pamphlet: Fans call for improved democracy at FC United
April 16, 2016 – 6:50 pm | No Comment | by:
The Pamphlet: Fans call for improved democracy at FC United

To bring the issues forward for more discussion in the lead up to the general meeting on April 24th, The Pamphlet was created and distributed at Saturday’s game by a concerned group of people, including four of the original FC United of Manchester steering group plus writers from the fan publications Under the Boardwalk (the original FCUM fanzine) and A Fine Lung.

Never mind the ballots, here’s the money
April 7, 2016 – 6:34 am | No Comment | by:
Never mind the ballots, here’s the money

When it comes to Walsh’s stepping down, I’m left feeling a bit like when someone’s leaving card comes round at work and you’re not sure what to write as you used to think they were sound but recently you suspect that they might be the one nicking your milk from the fridge and there was that time when they were a right dick at the Christmas party.

FC United chiefs apologise to club’s founder for ‘mistaken impression’ of ‘threats’
April 6, 2016 – 3:18 pm | No Comment | by:
FC United chiefs apologise to club’s founder for ‘mistaken impression’ of ‘threats’

An FC United statement has been released today saying:
“Around the time of November’s AGM personnel connected to the Board and staff of FC United of Manchester inadvertently and without intent caused the mistaken impression …

A home without a family is just a house
April 5, 2016 – 12:36 pm | One Comment | by:
A home without a family is just a house

Sadly it now seems more and more likely to me that rather than serving as an inspiration for football fans who are fed up of feeling powerless in the corporate world of modern football, the legacy of this Mancunian adventure will be one of deeply disappointing yet wistfully avoidable failure.

Leighton to follow example of FC United chief
April 1, 2016 – 12:01 am | No Comment | by:
Leighton to follow example of FC United chief

Following the news that FC United bosses want to investigate their own fans for criticising the club’s hierarchy, several big names are now also considering action against football supporters.

FC United of Manchester: how the togetherness turned into disharmony
March 31, 2016 – 11:46 am | 2 Comments | by:
FC United of Manchester: how the togetherness turned into disharmony

“There is a fundamental deficit in democracy, transparency and accountability between the club and its members…”